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FINALS!
We open with a montage of beautiful Ukrainian beads and then the finalists all parade down the Eurocatwalk. They all seem very happy to be there, bless. The Aussie commentators have finally decided that Kristian from Bulgaria is in Slytherin house, and I must say that he's certainly styled that way tonight, the dear wee thing! Though at least he's in sixth year unlike that sweet lamb from Ireland, who I hope is tucked up safe tonight.

Hosts are back. Timo, Timu or Timur (people pronounce it differently and I suspect the last might be right) is still wearing black, while Alex and Vova (no idea on the spelling, I have a guest and an important deadline to hit today, so no looking things up!) are wearing sequins, because they are less committed to a look than Timur. Bless their sweet little hearts, they are trying their very best and at least they aren't going on at length!

The competitors open with Israel. I'm a bit knackered today, so things that haven't changed from the semi finals will be glossed over. Imri's a lovely looking man and I am sure he would make a good neighbour, but this song doesn't do it for me. Feel certain it will live on in the more eclectic club playlists, though. Now I have more time to watch the performance, I'm more impressed with the backing dancers this time. They're really giving it their all. At least the ones in white. The ones in black seem to be Imri's cousins there for the trip.

Poland, Kasia is still beautiful, and she likes doggies, so she's all right by me. In good voice tonight, too. I am still nonplussed by the hotpants/diaphanous overskirt look, but it's where Eurofashion is taking us, and she pulls it off well.

BELARUS! Naviband are actually my favourites and they bring every bit as much happy energy as they did to the semis. They're like a cheerier Of Monsters and Men and they are just beautiful. I want to be friends with these two and spend weekends making music and crocheting dresses from organic handspun cotton. As my friend says, 'I have no idea what they're saying, but it's very happy!' End with a big snog, bless!

Austria. As sweetly innocuous as last time and I am fastforwarding because I am a terrible person. He'll probably win. The young people like nice.

ARMENIA! Another of my faves. I love her so much. She and this song are both at the top end of the interesting spectrum for this year and I am so proud of you, Europe, for putting her through to the finals. I like the choreography a lot in this one: it's sort of Lady Gaga meets Trent Reznor with an edge of Madonna's Vogue phase. It's kooky but it's splendid!

The Netherlands, who the Aussie commentators call the Destiny's Child of the comp. Not wholly inaccurate. Beautiful voices, this song is so not my style. Sorry, Netherlands. I love your art and cycleways!

The hosts sing Nel blu di pinto di blu and dance with the audience. You had to be there.

Moldova, who sent their Madness Tribute act, acquit themselves very well. It's a catchy tune about wanting to shag someone's mother at a wedding and I should have paid more attention to the lyrics, because is it the groom and the bride's mum? That's not right! They are all very fit with the constant dance moves mixed with singing and saxophone playing! The crowd go wild! Dark horse of the night, they could take it.

Hungary, which I think I am overthinking. From a dance perspective, it reads as young man singing to his milk churn or to the lovely violinist on a distant hill, long haired lady in white decides she'll have a bit of that and waves her skirt and hair about, flashing her knickers a bit, he notices her and emotes painfully, she gets her hands on him, they dance, things catch fire, there is rapping, she adds a scarf to her ensemble, more knicker flashing, throws herself on the ground, there is hair whipping, he's all 'Mate, it's OK' and she's 'Yay! We're back together!'

Italy, Francesco Gabbani, Occidentali's Karma. First time I have heard this due to insane workload. Big favourite with the bookies. He could not be more Italian, with his mix of 'let me entertain you' and 'we are all too cool for this'. His backing singers are dressed like the crew of the Star Terk Enterprise (original series), except for the one dressed like a gorilla. Don't ask me I haven't a clue. As far as I can work out from the lyrics he dated a hot yoga instructor and they went to Goa where he spoke to a lot of religious instructors and ended up deeply confused. But my Italian is exceptionally rusty. I enjoyed it, but it was not the least bit sensible.

Denmark! Anja is utterly lovely and sings spectacularly, but this song is boring as. She deserves better!

Portugal! And we learn he has a heart condition, so his delicacy is real delicacy and not a fey affectation, which makes me feel bad about thinking this was peak millennial the other night. Though it totally is. Beautifully done, though. It's the bit in an Audrey Hepburn film where she falls in love with a much older actor who has every chance of being gay (but who can blame her when it's Cary Grant?) He is still totally doing the Gollum/Smeagol hands and that is all I can see with that foresty backdrop. Sorry, Portugal. You'll probably win. Armenia lady (Artsvik?) really loves him, and I respect her opinion, because she is the best.

The hosts are now reading out tweets. Aiya.

Azerbaijan, with their high concept piece. Not sure this wasn't originally conceived for a gallery opening. I'm liking the song more and more, and she's a very solid performer, with a lovely liquid voice, moving through her range with ease. It reminds me of that very post-modern Ring Cycle with the antifascist stylings the other year.

Croatia's cuddly opera popster is back! His outfit is actually half and half: leather and trackies one side, tuxedo the other. 'There are only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle' he tells us. I disagree. BUT he IS turning side to side to give us the tux when he is singing opera and the leather when he is singing pop, and front on when it's standard musical theatre belter voice and that makes this all so much madder and more fun than I thought. The strings section really are worthwhile in this and I did not give them enough credit the other night. Totally bananas and perfect. Everyone on stage looks as though they are holding in a fit of laughter.

Isaiah! From Australia! He's a dear. We don't love this song, but we have to see if he gets that note he screwed up the other night. The treadmill in the stage is a mistake, though, it makes him walk like a duck. Still a tiny bit rough on the big hero note, but he is in stronger voice tonight. All good! Bless him, he's done a great job, the sweet little thing!

Greece! And Demy also likes dogs, so she's fine by me! I may have had my meanness blunted by a week of Eurovision, but this is another song I like more the second time around, though I suspect it's just that I like her and her flawless matte lipstick a lot. She's another performer who is much better than her song. Though the shirtless dancers in white bike shorts can stay. In their puddles. Are they meant to be swans? I have no idea what's happening with this song, but that's hardly surprising. I am sure they were going somewhere with it and I have just failed to follow.

Spain, Manel Navarro, Do it for Your Lover. Another of the Big Five, so it's a first time full listen for me. Jack Johnson called and he wants a cut of this. Manel is rocking a Cedric Diggory look at the camera thanks to eyebrows that are much darker than his hair. Bit pitchy at times, but nice rhythm and strings throughout. This is clearly another of those songs I am not meant to understand.

Norway, and I love you Norway, but I care not for this song. Moving on.

Hosts are back, making jokes. AND THEY HAVE MANS FROM SWEDEN! YAY! He takes them through their Eurovision training and they were sensible to bring him in as a sort of hosting Yoda at this point as it makes me like them more and feel for their suffering.

UK! WITH LUCIE JONES! WHO CAN SING! And is singing Never Give Up On You. Seriously, I am so relieved that the UK entry is halfway competent, anything else is just icing on the cake. The song is fine. Not that exciting in and of itself, but it showcases her voice well. Thank goodness!

Cyprus, with Hovig, which I may have spelled Hovic the other night. Soz, mate. One of the best uses of the stage and some really convincing choreography, but it's another of those military beat pared-back songs that sound as though they are the backdrop for a training montage in a martial arts film.

Romania, with their rapping yodel, and I am not surprised they are now one of the favourites, because this is cheerfully crazed. Every bit as good fun as the other night.

Germany, Levina, Perfect Life. She opens lying on the stage, and is a very beautiful barefoot young woman wearing fashion that is half inspired by Japanese designers and half by Space 1999, but this song is yet another meh vote from me. I may need a cuppa to keep going with this.

Apparently there is Eurovision Choir Competition this year, and I might try to catch that: do like a good choral performance.

Ukraine, O.Torvald, Time. I've not heard this before but it is very rock and roll they tell us. And that is not a lie. They continue the Space TV show outfit theme, but the music is very 80s garage band and I really did need that cuppa. Off to put the jug on. Nice drums, but.

Belgium, who has apparently been hanging out with Isaiah, is back and cheering up about life. She's still singing about the danger zone, though. If there's a Top Gun remake, they might like to slip a few dollars her way. I like her, I like her voice, I sort of like this song, but she looks so serious I can't help wondering if there is a Hunger Games scenario going on back home and the fate her whole family depends on these three minutes.

Hosts, in tuxes, bless. Mr B asks why they have opposing colours, I tell him it's the only way we can remember which one is which.

Sweden, who clearly doesn't want the expense of winning again this year. Myf from the Aussie commentating team calls it Top Man Goes to the Gym and I can't beat that. Let's just say OK Go did it better with the treadmills. Sweden, you know I love you, but I can't go on with this.

Bulgaria, with beautiful young Severus Snape, but with happy parents. (No, seriously, go and look!) He's lovely and I won't begrudge him if he wins. And if they're both gay, he and the Aussie boy would make the loveliest teen couple in the world. If not, they should swap hair product tips because they both have good lock game. It's another performer better than song set, though, though the song less blah than others.

France, Alma, Requiem! Last song of the night. She is singing too quickly for me to get more than a few snatches here and there, but she definitely wants to be kissed and that's what he gives her. And now an English bit to make me look dim. It's good French pop and she is gorgeous, with beautiful backscreens swirling. It's a good song! I would voluntarily listen to this!

VOTING TIME!

VERKA IS BACK! She leads a little singalong and her mother is looking younger every year! And 'Europe! Start Vote Now!' kicks us off.

Recap time and I have to say I think Romania should have it in the bag, but it could be Portugal. In my perfect world it would be Belarus. Watch me be hideously wrong and Sweden take it in a landslide. I'd not complain about France or Bulgaria.

Ruslana time! It's been 13 years since the furry bikini but he is still rocking hotpants. With a chainmail top. Natch. I still love her. She is apparently queen of the Ukranian goth scene to judge by her backing dancers and I feel this is both appropriate and that they would treat her graciously. I've been spoiled by the contest and this song is going much longer than three minutes and I am growing impatient.

Anouka (? missed the name) with students playing Ukranian folk instruments, and this opens beautifully with a haunting pipe solo then a sort of hammered dulcimer thingy and long horns, segueing into electronica and it works FAR better than I have just suggested. I don't know what most of these instruments are and I missed the full name of the group, but I would like to learn more about both, because this is genuinely enjoyable music. It's a bit baffling in parts, but intriguingly so. After Belarus, this is my fave act so far! Ends with pan pipes and stormtrooper lady singing before returning to the pipe and that was utterly brilliant.

They are talking to an Australian fan and he is clearly drunk but trying to look sober so they don't judge the whole continent. Bless you, Luke, you gave it a solid effort!

Fifteen seconds of Junior Eurovision winner, and she must feel a bit shortchanged, really.

Last year's winner Jamala is back with I Believe in U and I can't even remember if this was last year's winning song. Oh lord … man draped in Aussie flag dropping his daks and mooning the cameras before being bundled off! Look, it wasn't Luke. You're all right, Luke, no one knew you'd had a few and you kept all your clothes on. You did us proud! And top points to Jamala who just powers on with barely a rolled eye.

Note: have since found out it was a noted Ukranian prankster in an Aussie flag, which leads to three possibilities:
He is protesting the absurd inclusion of Australia. Fair enough.
He did his research and chose the country least likely to be perturbed about someone flashing while wearing their flag. This is my visiting friend's theory, and I think it's sound. Good call.
He was down in the audience talking about doing it, then said, 'Shit, I need a flag! Can I borrow a flag anyone?' And there would definitely have been an Australian who said 'Sure mate, no wuckers.'
Option three is ever so likely.

Jon Ola Sand is back to confirm the votes are in, and we are now going through. Votes are split between professional and phone votes and it's Jury votes first.

Sweden results first: 10 to Australia from the jury, thank you! 12 to Portugal. Azerbaijan give their 12 to Belarus, because they are sensible, though the chap presenting the votes is verbose. San Marino give 6 to the UK, thanks! and 12 to Portugal, which is leaping ahead. Latvia 5 to Australia, 4 to the UK and 12 Portugal. Israel give 1 to Belarus because they are no fun, but as we learn IBA is shutting down and will never do a Eurovision again, fair enough. Their 12 to Portugal. Running away here! Montenegro give 3 to France, good choice, 12 to Greece, sure. Albania give 8 to the UK, 4 to Australia and 12 to Italy. Malta give 2 to Belarus and my heart is sore, but 12 to Italy, which is making a comeback. FYR Macedonia give Australia 8, the UK 3, Portugal 10 and 12 to Bulgaria. Go Slytherin!

Denmark give 8 to Australia and 12 to Sweden. Austria give 12 to The Netherlands, because they are kind and like good harmonies. Norway have sent the work experience kids and 3 points to Australia, 12 to Bulgaria, which is now narrowing in on Portugal. Spain, with a super hot presenter, 8 pts to Australia, 12 to Portugal. Finland give 10 to Australia, thanks! And 12 to Sweden. Bloc! France wearing something Celine Dion would, give 12 points to Portugal. Greece give 12 to Cyprus. I typed that before he said it. So bloc. Lithuania give 1 point to Australia, pah, and 12 to Portugal, who is already well out ahead, but the audience votes could change everything. Estonia have a huge hottie telling us 7 to Australia, 6 to the UK and 12 to Bulgaria, who is now within 40 of Portugal.

UK not doing as well as could have been expected pre Brexit. And Theresa May says there are no downsides. Ha!

Moldova, 4 to Australia, 12 to Romania, and they are being sadly underpointed! Armenia, whose announcer looks like the singer's sister, 4 to UK, 12 to Portugal. Bulgaria, 2 to Belarus, should be more, 12 to Austria and she wins for least faffing around! Iceland, 10 to Australia, thanks! and the presenter is the father of the competitor and he competed in the past, Dynasty! 12 to Portugal. Serbia, 3 to Australia, 12 to Portugal. Dami Im was flying ahead like this last year, though, and ended up in second

LEE LIN CHIN! Australia has the best votes person. Soz, but it's true. I love her! I should have got up earlier and voted for Belarus. We give 12 to the UK, which is actually fairish, she was fabulous and definitely deserved more points. Italy give 12 to Azerbaijan and I am good with that. Germany, 6 to UK, 5 to Australia, 12 to Norway. Portugal, 5 to Australia, 12 to Azerbaijan! Switzerland give 4 to Australia and 10 to Sweden because they are drunk. 12 to Portugal.

The Netherlands and he has a puppy! 5 to the UK, 4 to Australia, 12 to Portugal, who have 256 points at the moment over 180 for Bulgaria. Ireland give 12 to Belgium, bless! Georgia give 12 to Portugal. Cyprus 5 to the UK, 4 to Australia, 12 to Greece and no surprise there. The Ukranians do not like a bloc vote, I tell you! There is grumbling! Belarus give 7 to Australia, thanks! and 12 to Bulgaria. Romania give 4 to Australia, 12 to The Netherlands. Hungary give 7 to Australia and 12 to Portugal.

The Portugal song was written by the singer's sister, as a side note. Slovenia 10 to the UK and 7 to Australia. Thanks! 12 to Portugal. She is as snappy as the snappy Armenian woman and I like them both! Belgium give 6 to Australia and 12 to Sweden. People just want to sleep with Mr Sweden, you're not fooling anyone. Poland give 7 to Australia and 5 to the UK, 12 to Portugal, who is nearly 100 ahead. The UK, 10 points to Australia, bloody well deserved after all the Aussies there, 12 to Portugal. Croatia, 6 to Australia, 12 to Hungary. Spain still on 0 points.

Czech Republic give Australia 10 points, Portugal 12 points. Ukraine give 2 to Australia, 10 to Portugal, 12 to BELARUS! YES! Good work, Ukraine!

And now the audience points. Australia currently is in 4th, Portugal miles ahead. Hosts crap on about the point scoring and weighting and now the audience votes are coming ... eventually ... oh god they will not stop crapping on about this. Spain still on 0 from jury votes.

Audience votes: Austria 0, Australia 2, Germany 3, Spain 5, Israel 5, Denmark 8, UK 12, The Netherlands 15, Armenia 21, 24 to Ukraine, 29 to Greece, 29 to Norway, 32 to Cyprus, 33 points to Belarus, 41 Poland, 42 Azerbaijan, 90 France (deserved), 103 Croatia, 126 Sweden, 152 Hungary, 208 Italy, 224 Romania Nice!, 255 Belgium, 264 Moldova, 337 Bulgaria, which means Portugal has won and also has 376 votes. Marvellous, though Belarus was robbed. Aussie popular votes gave 12 to Moldova and 10 to Romania, because we like ridiculous.

And that's it, we are done. Goodbye Eurovision! Till next year! Portugal boy gives a lovely speech about the way we should have more music that means something, and I am all for that, even though I wanted the happy hipsters to win and would have settled for the yodellers. He wants his sister to sing and the hosts are frantically filling in time and looking as though they need a nap. They thank us for letting them show us Ukraine, and I realised we have seen practically nothing of the country, which is a shame because I understand it is magnificent. They point out it is tolerant and democratic, unlike some we won't mention. And now the Portugal singer with his sister, who he gives big props to, bless. Actually, she has a lovely warm voice and I like it a great deal. He's also doing muppet arms now. There is a girl in the audience who is planning to have her way with him. Or possibly the sister. Good luck, miss! This song actually works better as a duet, you know. OK, that's it. Goodbye and goodnight!

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