blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Better planning tonight. My friend Mouse has organised a party, where most of this recap was written. Alas, because there are many small people, we are watching downloaded clips rather than the televised show with commentary. This has been confusing. Which is why I have also watched my recording of the televised show since then to inject a little reality into my reflections.

It was worth watching the whole show, as the pre-contest dance act is quite splendid: dancers are recreating the old orchestra, each 'playing' an instrument … and now there are BMX and skaters on a slope. OK, I'm a bit confused, especially now the slope is a laptop mixing the music, but it was clever, dynamic and fun to watch, so YAY! Go Sweden!

Petra the hostess is back, with her legs on full display in a frock that is flat-out weird. Gaultier, allegedly. Look, he has issues, and they are all on full display here. Good structural couture work, though.
And now, 17 acts, with about three big surprises … )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Has it been a year? Really? AH well, here we go again with the annual Europop Appreciation Weekend, where Australia screens both semis and the final over one long weekend.

I say this every year, and every year one of you bloody Europeans spoils me, but for the love of bunnies, PLEASE PUT YOUR LIVE EUROVISION COMMENTS UNDER A CUT! I will be so pleased if I can get through one year without knowing the winner beforehand.

And now, on with the show:

I really don't know how two and a bit hours can seem so long … )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Friends, my head is so full of snot that it could be used as a slide in a Wash Your Hands Frequently presentation (true fact: if you wash your hands before eating or touching your face after you've been out in public areas with coal-and-flu-ridden people, the risk of transmission drops dramatically!) This will teach me to walk to work rather than catch the plague bus!

Anyway … I have water, I have aloe-vera tissues, I have the cats in another room and [livejournal.com profile] treacle_tartlet on G-chat, from where the following will be copied and pasted with a spot of editing, because I can't live through this horror twice!



Treacle: I have been here the whole time! Hiding from people trying to convert me to AVengers fandom!
me: BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, as if you have time for more missed deadlines.
Treacle: I KNOW
Do we drink if there are pyrotechnics before it even starts? :D
me: God yes.

And we open up with someone famous in Azerbaijan. Lovely traditional voice, followed up by boys in white suits dancing as though it's 1999 ...
Treacle: OMG, ALL WHITE OUTFITS, INTERPRETIVE DANCE WITH A WIND MACHINE! I am going to die...
me: Oh Jesus, neon strip-lighting on the outfits? WHY??
Treacle: BECAUSE EUROVISION
me: You will have to take smaller drinks! Aerial effects! Don't scull that one, you'll be out cold before the first song
Treacle: I am downgrading to sips, in the interests of making it to the end
me: Wise decision. I see the Azerbaijani gender differentials in the dancing reflect their human rights abuses. Nice touch!
me: Whirly traditional dancers are nice!
Treacle: They are lovely, although they look like they've borrowed their hats from an airline
Treacle: (typing is hard - it's cold and my fingers are slightly numb...)
me: I love the Emirates hats, BTW.
Oh typing schmyping, I'll fix it in the edits.
I like the boy outfits, but those moustaches are very I've Come to Clean Your Pool
Treacle: I'm sure all this gin will be good for my incipient sinus infection...
me: Maybe I need some
Treacle: Do you know what? I want Finland to send Sportacus from Lazy Town to Eurovision one year. That'd be the bomb.
me: Give it time, it'll happen.
Those dance moves looked like Italian traffic cops
Treacle: Well, Englebert Humperdinck and Jedward, for fuck's sake
This presenter bloke looks oddly like Wil Wheaton...
me: Do not knock the Dinck, I love him! You can mock Jedward as much as you like, of course. I believe they enjoy it, there's no other explanation.
He does a bit. Oh, er, for recap purposes, last year's winners are belting out their hit. And she still looks as though she doesn’t know the words, even when it's her own song.
Female presenters are back, lovely white frocks tonight! Easily the classiest presenters IN YEARS!
Treacle: The lass on the left looks as though she got halfway through having her hair done and rushed out onto the stage :/
me: Her bun is a bit lopsided
Treacle: But their frocks are lovely! Not a weird glomesh hanky in sight!
me: Maybe she has snacks hidden up there. Yes, I'd wear all the things they've worn, without shame or irony!
And now a recap of the stadium being built, thank you Azerbaijani Builders Union!
Treacle: 'It's built for entertainment' Oh, very astute, Sam the SBS commentator.
me: Wil Wheaton is back!
Treacle: It's so unsettling! I keep hearing Sheldon's voice in the back of my head. WIL WHEATON!
me: Shout-out to Australia and New Zealand! Woo hoo!
Treacle: \o/
me: I meant to go to the Eurovision site to copy and paste the order of performance tonight, but can't now because I will be spoiled. Oh well. No one expects accuracy in reporting these days …
Treacle: We can't call him the Dink, that's what my sister calls her baby.

me: And we open with the UK, famous for rocks, apparently, and the fabulous Engelbert Humperdinck and Love Will Set You Free. I like the restrained guitar on this one!
Waltzy tunes always rock.
Listen to that breath control. Sigh ...
Treacle: This is a lovely opening act. Although I do feel as though it's lulling me into a false sense of security.
me: Ooh! Dancers! Very classy! Two doing nice ballety things behind him, everyone in black. Yes. It's all downhill from here!
Treacle: Total lack of white outfits and body glitter on the dancers. I approve.
me: Ah Engers, you made that key change your bitch!
Treacle: Even the pyrothechnics are lovely and understated. WHAT IS GOING ON?
me: It's just fab! No nil points for the UK tonight!
Treacle: It's a miracle!
me: A little wobble on the last note but who cares? He hit the hard one before it like a boss!
Treacle: Who did they send last year? Was it Blue?
me: We won't win of course. Everyone hates us and no tits out to compensate for the hate.
Let us not talk about last year.
Treacle: >_>


me: OK Hungary, Compact Disco and Sound of Our Hearts. That man's head is bigger than his body. He is the reverse of the Monster Cat!
Treacle: PYRO! DRINK!
me: I know I've heard this some time in the last two nights, but my mind has wiped it out entirely. Thanks, mind!
Treacle: With good reason Did he just play his synth with his elbow?
me: None of their jackets fit properly. Have they all been on strict diets? And yes he did.
Treacle: OMG, that's who the lead singer reminds me of! Wolf from Outrageous Fortune! Their outfits were made for an entirely different band, who are even as we type tied up in someone's basement.
me: Stage apron use: is that another drink?
Treacle: Or Wolf and George Michael's lovechild, which doesn't bear thinking about It must be! DRINK!
me: I can see that.

SNAKE HEAD LADY!
Treacle: That sounds promising! Smoke machine, is that a drink?
me: Albania, Rona Nishliu and Suus. Her outfit continues to confuse me even more than her hair. Smoke is totally a drink.
Treacle: I don't even know what's going on with that dress.
me: And what's with the bit of plastic stuck to the side of her face?
Treacle: I think she aimed for Lady Gaga, but missed, with disastrous (but comical) results.
me: I mean, I prefer not to judge women by what they're wearing, but this outfit screams out for commentary! You could be right.
Good voice, though.
Treacle: It looks as though she didn't like the frock so she pinned some shower curtains to it to cover it up
me: Why did she pin them to her nipples?
Treacle: YKINMK?
me: You raise a convincing point. Novel use of Hollywood tape for the neck dread ...
Treacle: Or just actual glue - imagine the tears as she tries to pull it off her decolletage...
me: Nah, she'd not be so silly. Eyelash glue at worst.

Treacle: Oh, I saw Donny last night!
me: Fuck me, Lithuania with Donny Montell and Love is Blind.
me: I hate this song.
Treacle: This song fill me with BLAH
me: Sorry Lithuania. Despite being in favour of Baltic States in general, I judge you almost as harshly as I judge Austria for this year's song.
Treacle: BRB, moar gin
me: I think it's the dance moves that tipped me over the edge: sleazy club stylings from both the 1950s and 1990s. Bleagh! I wish I had the blessed release of alcohol. These three minutes are taking a disturbingly long time to pass.
Treacle: He was prettier with the blindfold on
me: The next physicists studying subjective time could use this performance ...
Treacle: Removing it was his first big mistake
me: I wish I had a blindfold.

Nice voice Bad frock chick!
Bosnia and Herzegovina with Mya Sar and Korake ni Zaam. Yet again, she has a fab voice and a really bad frock.
Treacle: Are all the female performers channeling Lady Gaga this year?
me: I think their dressers are. While her hair is Agnetha from ABBA c. 1976. What is with the uglification of attractive women in this contest? Thank goodness she has such a beautiful voice, if I close my eyes it all improves.
WIND MACHINE!
Treacle: WIND MACHINE! DRINK!
Oh, the wind machine and the satin skirt are not a forgiving combination
Okay, I'm going to cook dinner in the break.
BACK SOON
me: Alas, no. And that song was too pleasant to win. That's a fast dinner! I wonder if I could get a bread roll into the oven? Too febrile. Should probably just sit here and look ill. And we're back!
Treacle: Hurrah!

me: Interviews with the French and Italian performers. Nina from Italy has green hair.
Treacle: Why is she wearing fairy floss on her head?
me: The Gaga thing again …
Treacle: Ah
me: Sam is trying to get a date with Nina
He's failing
Treacle: Oh dear...
me: She's given him a blue wig and told him he looks like her brother. I like her!


Russia! The Buranovskiye Babushki and Party All the Time. Oh the oven! Oh the folk singing! Oh the embroidery!
Treacle: Singing, baking grannies!
:D
me: I'm a bit worried about 'Come on and Boom Boom!'
Treacle: Traditional dress is another drink, isn't it? OH GOD...
me: I believe it is. Sorry!
Treacle: Oh, THE OVEN IS SPINNING!
me: Dancing oven!
That must be a drink
Treacle: THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER
me: It is. I love the acting. Oh my goodness, the chips!
I really want some baked goods now.
Treacle: Blondie is failing to immerse himself in the spirit of Eurovision.
me: Still no brownie delivery :-( [Treacle sent brownies up with a mutual friend, but they never made it to me. This is because she is a very good cook and it is probable our friend found it impossible to resist them.]
Blondie has no soul.
Treacle: Woe, woe, and thrice woe
He gets so upset when I tell him that!

me: Iceland up next! Never Forget by Greta Salome and Jonsi. I was on the money the other night, she is part of the Icelandic Symphony Orchestra! Quite like this one!
Treacle: Oh look, it's Danaerys Targarion (sp?)
me: And of course Blondie gets upset, he's not a ginger. He can reasonably expect to possess a soul!
I've never watched GoT or read GRRM. Something like tarragon IIRC.
Less herby, though.
Back-up boy on the left is a bit of all right!
Treacle: I don't understand what's going on with his tie
me: WIND MACHINE!
I believe it's a homage to Deadwood.
Or to 1985.
Like his hair.
I take it back, backup boy's part is scaring me now. His hair is frightening!

Treacle: Have Cyrpus sent an all-Welsh group again?
me: Cyprus again, Evie and La La Love. Meh.
Cypriots do look a bit Welsh, you know!
Treacle: Cyprus, Cymru, is't a fine line
me: Catherine Zeta Jones could totally play this girl's mother.
Treacle: Catherine Zeta Jones would insist on playing her, not her mother
me: Sad but true. I'm going to put a bread roll in the oven, and that's not a euphemism.
Treacle: ^_^
These girls look like bridemaids at a vengeful friend's wedding
me: If you get rid of the horrid belts, the frocks are quite nice in themselves.

Treacle: Ohhh, HALF DRESSED HOT MEN
me: France! HOT BOYS! Thank you, La Belle France!
Anggun and Echo (You and I), but who cares because there are shirtless male gymnasts!
Treacle: I'm sorry, did you say something?
me: Hello Boys!
Treacle: I like that they've just lifted some blocks from the local school gym
I don't know what the link might be between her very dressy corsetty frock and her half naked gymnasts BUT I APPROVE
me: Her outfit is a weird Gaga meets Curtain World ensemble ... song is fine, she has a good voice, but I am totally distracted by tanned torso and more muscles than I've seen in a long time.
Treacle: WIND MACHINE! And it's blown most of her frock away!
me: Yes! And white trousers on the boys, double drink!
Treacle: #doomed
'You cannot teach charisma' Oh, that Sam doesn't see the irony
BOOM BOOM BOOM INDEED!

me: Italy with Nina and L'amore e Femmina. She's a bit Amy Winehouse, a bit Lena from 2010.
Good song, actually: catchy chorus.
Like her hair!
Treacle: Yet more tastefully dressed backing acts. It's like we've slipped into a alternative reality
me: I'm not sure what's going on there. People are in tune and there are no clowns.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
Treacle: I feel oddly disappointed
me: We expect Italy to bring the crazy. I'm not sure Europe is prepared to vote for them if they're bringing talent instead.

Treacle: ESTONIA! They cannot possibly top Malcolm Lincoln.
me: YAY! ESTONIA! Ott Lepland the little darling, and Kuula.
Well, Malcolm Lincoln was a high point. But he's very good!
Treacle: Hurrah!
me: Again, talented, so unlikely to win.
Treacle: Alas...
me: But if Chris Martin is ever killed in a tragic accident, Coldplay need not fold!
Treacle: It's as though nobody expained Eurovison to him, though
HERO NOTE?
me: It gets worse: he stays in tune throughout the whole challenging song.
Madness.
Also, DRINK!
Treacle: What?!
I did!
me: I do hope someone gives that boy a recording contract. It would make a nice change from the bloody Celtic Thunder CDs SBS are forever flogging
Treacle: I keep getting distracted by his emotive eyebrows
me: Estonian eyebrows are famously passionate.

Bloody hell, it's Norway. Norway, I love you, but not this song!
Tooji with Stay, and his great backing dancers nearly making up for his annoying song.
Treacle: Good god, it's one of the werewolves from Twilight!
me: I am happy to say that I have no idea what cultural reference you are making.
Treacle: It's for the best
me: That riff is lifted straight from Bringing Sexy Back.
Which I only know from too much late-night music video watching
Oh, no, it's I'm Sexy and I Know It, which I know from the gym. #shame!
IT WILL NOT END!!
Pass me some silver bullets.
Right hand dancing boy is in the wrong country for homoerotic subtext. Stay with your team, young one! Get out safely!
Treacle: Is it normal to want to ram Sam's microphone down his throat?
me: Yes it is, he's a git.
Treacle: Oh, good

me: Azerbaijan, Sabina, When the Music Dies.
And she is wearing a wedding dress.
A lot of maribous died for that frock.
Treacle: Smoke machine! Back-up dancers lurking around, but I think they're wearing white
me: This song makes no sense to me. And I'm not even drinking. I shudder to think what it's like from your perspective!
Treacle: I'm totally distracted by the images being projected onto her frock
me: Nice ethnic wailing in the background, surely that's another drink?
Treacle: That's right love, flap your cape around a little bit, that'll liven things up
me: Apparently you're cold, cold, so cold … Aiiiiiiiiieeeee, etc.
Treacle: I fear it might be another drink
me: I fear I might need one.
Treacle: It can only help

This looks more promising!
Bagpipes!
me: Romania now, Mandinga with Zaleilah, also known as the Bagpipe Band. It's a good party song!
Treacle: That dress is so unflattering, it must be on purpose
me: I'm not sure there's enough of it to be able to make that call.
Treacle: Not so much a dress, as a calculated attempt to make her arse look huge?
PYRO!
me: Oh, she just looks curvy and muscly!
Treacle: MORE PYRO!
me: DRINK LOTS!
I quite like that one, you know.

Denmark, Soluna Samay with Should've Known Better, aka the Alannis Memorial Song. She's got a bit of a Fiona Apple look going on, actually. When were they famous, Treacs? I'm too old to know.
Treacle: 90s?
They look lost on that stage
me: I want to be friends with the drummer!
Treacle: I admire a man who's willing to play the xylophone on stage
me: It's an awkward stage: it's too big to cram everyone together in the middle, but if you spread them out, it also looks weird.
Not sure why they needed the armchair ...
Treacle: This lot seem far too much like proper musicians
me: Yes, doomed, I fear.

Treacle: Why on earth did Greece send someone? Madness, what if they actually won?
WIND MACHINE!
INTERPRETIVE DANCE!
me: Greece and Eleftheria Eleftheriou with Aphrodisiac. Long legs, big hair, good enough to not be embarrassing, but the song isn't catchy enough to win. I think it's like Tube Buskers, where they've carefully calculated it to be decent, but not good enough to cause crowding issues by stopping traffic.
Treacle: It's a science
me: Yeah, you must be pissed by now: white tops, too!
The dancing is unusually bad for Greece.
Treacle: Their dancers were their saving grace last year
I use the term 'saving 'grace' loosely, you understand
me: HEE!
I miss hot boy with the staple prop. Yum!

Sweden! Loreen and Euphoria!
STROBE LIGHTING!
Treacle: WIND MACHINE
*sobs*
me: WinD MACHINE!
Treacle: Oh god, all the gin is at the bottom...
me: AND interpretive Dance. Sorry, love.
You can have a bit of my liver: it's in excellent shape!
Treacle: Her outfit and hair are not really designed with a wind machine in mind, are they?
Or maybe that's the point?
me: It's like she was running late so turned up in her jammies
SNOW!
Sudden Backup dancer!
Treacle: It's like she stomped him to death! IN HER JAMMIES!
New found respect for that girl
me: They breed them tough in Sweden.

Treacle: WIL WHEATON! [aka the boy presenter]
me: I can see why it's the favourite.
I keep expecting Captain Picard to appear.
Treacle: I have high hopes for Turkey
PYRO!
INTERPRETIVE DANCE!
me: Turkey, Can Bonomo and Love Me Back. Yeah, this one reminds me a bit of the Gay Pirates song
Treacle: TRADITIONAL MUSIC!
me: Except less gay, because they want to make it out alive
You are not going to be able to walk after this one
Treacle: It's like his backup dancers are actually five years old and have made Batman wings out of some old curtains! :D
me: Yes, but just you wait!
Treacle: OMG THERE'S MORE?
This is by far my favourite so far
me: Oh yes.
Batcape BOAT!
Treacle: OMFG
THIS IS THE BEST AND MOST PERFECT THING
PYRO!
me: I can't believe I'm sober.
Treacle: That was a thing of BEAUTY AND JOY
me: :-)

Treacle: Anything will be a letdown after the Batcape boat, sorry, Spain
me: Spain, Pastora Soler and Quedete Conmigo. Classy outfit, clearly didn't get the memo. She's like a well-dressed Celine
Good high notes, and surprise backing singers …
Treacle: WIND MACHINE!
me:  … Who are tastefully dressed.
Thank goodness there was something in this one for you, it was almost a sober performance!
Treacle: Shocking state of affairs
me: Frock wasn't even white: ice blue!
Treacle: Tsk

me: Germany, Roman Lob and Standing Still. And it's another Coldplay tribute, to the Beanie Years this time.
He has a nice face, though
Treacle: Well, he's a nice-looking lad, at least. I'm unconvinced about the beanie, though. Perhaps he's chanelling his inner Timberlake?
me: Maybe he had a really unfortunate haircut? Or has piffling little dreads that didn't stand comparison with Scary Hair Lady?
Treacle: You may be onto something!
me: Decent song, a bit catchy and a few things for him to show off on, but nothing more exciting than we've seen before.
And what is with the high repetition of lyrics? Is that a Gen Y thing because you all rooted your memories on E?
Treacle: Hey, I've never taken E!
Treacle: But I'm only Gen Y by two months
me: Yes, you were an admirable young woman who has no secrets to hide from her children!
Treacle: YES
>_>
me: (I won't say a word)

Oh, Malta, Chris Calleja, This is the Night.
Treacle: HIS HAIR
WHAT?!
Most unconvincing footstomp EVER
I think what the 'DJ' is doing counts as interpretive dance
me: That or worms
Treacle: Oh, he's got one little yellow glove on!
me: I was unconvinced by this performance in the semis, and since I am sneezing more tonight, I am not prepared to judge it more kindly.
Treacle: PYRO!
me: It's a big drinking number!
Treacle: Well, thank fuck for that
BRB, more gin
me: I might have some more Vitamin C …
5 minutes
me: The girl with the flowery headdress has one for everyday wear!

FYR Macedonia and Kallioi and Crno i Belo.
I still love her, she stll looks like my Mum.
Treacle: This all looks distressingly sensible
me: She can sing, they can play, I can see why you're confused.
I like to think that if she is a woman seeking women, she would be more age-appropriate than my mum.
Ah the hard-rocking second half. Love it.
Treacle: Oooh, is that a wind machine? huzzah!
me: Second half is far more crazycakes than the first!

Treacle: JEDWARD!
me: Ireland! Jedward! Waterline!
I feel a need for red cordial!
Or sulphate!
Treacle: Oh, bless them
me: I may have cast nasturtiums on you in my semis recap of them.
Treacle: O:
me: The song is about the fact they both love the same girl …
Treacle: SMOKE MACHINE!
THREESOME?
>_>
me: Ah, good to know I know you well …
Treacle: Oh, hydrotechnics? DRINK? I THINK SO
me: It gets better
Treacle: PYRO!
STROBE LIGHTING!
me: Cartwheels!
Treacle: Apparently they've vowed to keep going back until they win? So Ireland should be safe until the End of Days.
me: HEE! Oh bless em and their wet floppy fringes!

Serbia! Love is not a Thing! Zeljko Josimovic performing with his big beautiful voice.
Lovely violin intro. Seriously, FAR TOO MUCH CLASS THIS YEAR!
Treacle: I weep for civilisation
me: It's a sign of the Crisis in the Euro.
Treacle: Does he have a stubbled, skirt-wearing clarinet player?
me: No, that's the violinists, and they're girls. Play nice!
Treacle: No, it's a flute, and stubble, and a skirt!
I'm not that drunk!
*Probably
He is totally wearing a skirt
me: Oh, yeah, he is wearng a skirt. More of a sad beard than stubble …
Ukraine's Gaitana and Be My Guest, which is the CHEERIEST song of the evening!
Treacle: OHHH, IT'S SPARKLY!
me: Her dress has pleather fringes. I can't believe she doesn't rip any of them off!
I can see this doing very well at Mardi Gras next year.
Treacle: More boys in skirts! I approve!
me: The pastel kilt crew!
I'm sad we lost the Gaultier model boys in skirts from the semis.
Treacle: *sigh*
Oh, they've lost their shirts!
me: They are probably out being consoled by other contestants even as we speak.
Yeah, these ones less pretty naku than the others
Treacle: PYRO! \o/
me: Good fun song, though. Proper Eurovision!
Treacle: Nothing will ever beat the gnome hats
MOLDOVA

me: Moldova's Pasha Parfenay and Lautar. I, too, miss the gnome hats.
Treacle: OH, BE STILL MY HEART
WHAT is he wearing? Leather braces?
me: These dresses remain weird. Aboriginal/Day of the Dead minicrinies.
Treacle: At least the dresses match the dancing
me: I think it's his farrier's outfit from the Pony Play Club.
Treacle: I cannot get that image out of my head now
WHAT IS THIS NOW?
me: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH THIS DANCE ROUTINE??
Treacle: FLASH YER KNICKERS, GIRLS!
me: I can't explain. Sort of porpoisey movements: Pilates meets Solid Gold Dancers …
Treacle: THat was reassuringly batchit
but nothing on Turkey's boat
me: Good to see us get to the crazy place by the end. Thanks, Moldova!

Treacle: \o/
WIL WHEATON!
me: Countries with moustaches are VERY GOOD about getting the tone right.
Oh! New frocks! And they are lovely!
This will never happen again.
Treacle: We'll enjoy it while it lasts
me: I feel bad about not going to the SBS site to vote, but am too sick. My recap is going to be this conversation with some spelling fixes.
Feel free to add more jokes if you've thought of any!
Treacle: I am trying to remember what Jedward's outfits reminded me of
me: Barbarella
Treacle: It's on the tip of my tongue
Maybe? Barbarella meets Bowie?
me: David's crotch would never be so low.
Treacle: No, that's true
me: Watching the recap makes me like France more, but I think that's just the hot boys.
God, it's an hour of voting yet. Time for another bread roll, I think.
Darling, are you conscious?
Treacle: Yes!
And I still have a gin and tonic to finish
me: Just checking!
Treacle: Hee!
me: Can you imagine being Jedward's mum?
Treacle: I'm sure she's very proud
But also drunk a lot
me: HEE! And on Executive B Vitamins

The interval act is the President's son-in-law. god help us.
Treacle: O_o
me: Serious people striding about with open flame: Audience warning system?
Treacle: Only logical explanation
me: Is Azerbaijan the Land of Fire or the Land of Horse? They can't have both!
Treacle: LAND OF FLAMING HORSES?
me: No one would enjoy that. Except the French, with a good sauce.
Treacle: I like the way those boys grip their drums between their thighs
me: Mmmmm. Grippy thighs.
Oh, it's a George Michael tribute act!
Or, as the SBS presenters have it, Shannon Noll, which is only funny to Australians.
Treacle: True, though
me: I've seen better at the Dapto RSL.
Treacle: Hah!
Oh, flag-kissing AND pyro to fnish!
me: And lights up on the audience to take names of any locals not applauding.

POINTS! Albania first. 8 points to FYR Macedonia, 10 to Turkey, and 12 to Greece. No surprises there.

Montenegro and a classy lass giving 8 points to FYR Macedonia, 10 to Albania, and 12 to Serbia in a bit of Balkan unity.

Romania and another well-dressed woman. 8 to Greece, 10 to Sweden and 12 to Moldova, clearly Pony Play fanciers!

Austria and their female presenter hasn't bothered to change. Albania gets their 8, 10 to Serbia, 12 to Sweden. I note the UK is still on 0.

Ukraine and a man with very floppy hair. 8 to Moldova, 10 to Russia, 12 to Azerbaijan becuase they are total points whores.

Belarus and a total hot boy! YAY! 8 to Lithuania (WTF??) 10 to Ukraine and 12 to Russia. Not at all nepotism.

Belgium time, sane man in suit. 8 points to Russia, 10 to Albania, amd 12 to Sweden! AND 1 to the UK! (Thanks, a bit.)

Azerbaijan gives 8 to Malta, 10 to Russia and 12 to Turkey, and 1 to Ireland!

Treacle: Turkey are doing well!

me: Malta, another man in a suit. 8 to Turkey, 10 to Italy, 12 to Azerbaijan. Iceland still has none, which is just wrong.

San Marino and a pleasant looking woman who rabbits on at length. 8 points to Moldova, 10 to Russia, 12 to Albania!
Turkey are doing well, which is something. Poor Iceland!

France with a hot boy who sang last year. 8 to Serbia, 10 to Estonia, BLESS!, 12 to Sweden. 0 to the UK, you bastards.

The UK and some vaguely familiar chap. 8 to Spain, 10 to Ireland, because we love that shit, and 12 to Sweden.

Turkey and possibly the head of the local IMF. 8 to FYR Macedonia, 10 to Bosnia Herzegovina and 12 to Azerbaijan because this is TOTALLY UNRIGGED!
Treacle: *snort*

me: Greece, a pretty woman, and 8 to Serbia, 10 to Albania, and 12 to Cyprus. I AM SHOCKED!

Bosnia and Herzegovina and a mime artist: 8 to Sweden, 10 to Serbia and 12 to FYR Macedonia. Who could have guessed?

Moldova and a woman who looks like a newsreader. Iceland still yet to score. 8 to Ukraine, 10 to Azerbaijan, 12 to Slovenia.
At this rate we'll need to have Scotland and Wales secede if we ever want the UK to score well.

Bulgaria and a nice woman gives 8 to Sweden, 10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Serbia.
Should we just call it and go to bed?

Switzerland have a beauty queen announcing their points: 8 to Spain, 10 to Serbia and 12 to Albania.

Slovenia give 4 points to Iceland! Then 8 to Russia, 10 to Sweden and 12 to Serbia. Oh Englebert -- ripped off!
Treacle: Poor Dincks!
me: I note that we haven't cut away to Englebert in the green room, I think he may have gone to bed.
Treacle: Iceland has a point!
me: They have 5!
Treacle: Hurrah!

me: Cyrpus gives 10 to Sweden, 8 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Greece.
Norway have 0, which I am OK with.

Croatia with a woman in a sparkly frock: 8 to FYR Macedonia, 10 to Bosnia & Herzegovina and 12 to Serbia. I typed that before she said it.

me: Top three at the moment, Sweden, Serbia and Russia: disturbing trend to actual skill.
Treacle: Skill and MAD DANCING OVENS
me: Clearly the secret weapon!

Slovakia, beauty queen announcing: 8 to Hungary, 10 to Estonia! HURRAH! 12 to Sweden.
Surely we can call it for Sweden and go to bed now, treacs?
Treacle: Surely?
My face hurts, stupid sinus infection. Also possibly ear ache :(

me: FYR Macedonia and someone's mum: 8 to Turkey, 10 to Serbia, 12 to Albania
I feel your pain. I have sneezed my nose off :-(

The Netherlands and a lovely girl: 8 to Turkey, 10 to Serbia and 12 to Sweden.
UK still on 1, Denmark 0. Life is so unfair!

Portugal and a nice looking woman in sparkly top. 8 to Russia, 10 to Germany, 12 to Spain -- SHOCK!
Treacle: *gasp*
Poor old Hump is at the bottom :(

me: Iceland and a man in an unfortunate jacket: 8 to Cyprus, 10 to Estonia, 12 to Sweden and Denmark gets 5! Which puts the UK back on the bottom.
SO UNFAIR!

Sweden and Molly Weasley's brunette cousin: 8 to Estonia, hurrah! 10 to Serbia, and 12 to Cyprus.
Treacle: The Swedish announcer was far more Eurovision batshit than their actual entry
me: I fucking hate you, Europe. And Engelbert does, too.

Norway gives 8 points to Russia, 10 to Serbia and 12 to Sweden. No surprise.
Yeah, I liked Swedish woman.

Lithuania have sent their youngest politician and give Estonia 8 points, Sweden 10 and Azerbaijan 12. Crawlers.

Estonia now! 5 points to the UK! Thanks hot chick! 8 to Russia, 10 to Germany and 12 to Sweden.

Denmark sent someone's mum to give 8 to Russia, 10 to Germany and 12 to Sweden.

Latvia's hittest young DJ gives the UK 2 points, 8 to Estonia, 10 to Russia and 12 to Sweden. I sense a winner …

Spain's presenter is wearing a nice pink frock. They give 8 to Russia, 10 to Romania and 12 to Sweden.

Treacle: Oh, god, Finland...
me: Finland have sent Mr Lordi to give their results again. HURRAH! 8 to Russia, 10 to Estonia YAY! and 12 to Sweden after interminable milking.

Georgia's presenter looks lovely. 8 points to Sweden, 10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Lithuania.
Treacle: Estonia has done surprisingly well, considering how talented and sane he was.
me: Yes! The emotive eyebrows musyt have helped him.
Treacle: Oh! Dinck got more points!

me: Italy have sent a hot man. Thanks, Italy! 8 to Germany, 10 to Russia, 12 to Albania.
Treacle: (did i tell you I accidentally wrote more Charlie & Lola fic?)

me: Serbia and a woman in a lacy frock gives 8 to Cyprus, 10 to Sweden and 12 to FYR Macedonia.
(I saw. You scare me you dreadful young pervert.)

Germany straight from a dance party! Yay! 8 to Turkey, 10 to Serbia and 12 to Sweden.
I blame Tony Blair for the sad state of voting affairs.

Russia and a woman with a LOT of bling. 8 to Ukraine, 10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Sweden.

Hungary's presenter looks as though she wants to go to bed. Me too! 8 to Albania, 10 to Germany and 12 to Sweden.

Israel and a chap who looks as though he's off to be married later: 8 to Azerbaijan, 10 to Spain and 12 to Sweden.
Dear Mr Humperdinck, it wasn't you.

Treacle: Why is the Irish lass wearing a hot pink shower curtain? WHY?
me: Ireland with a woman who looks very familiar and gives us 4 points. 8 points to Estonia, 10 to Germany and 12 to Sweden. Would it have hurt for a 12 to The Dinck?
It's because they have no budget and their austerity measures are harsh.

OK, that's it, we are done for another year. Sweden win. Rah-rah. Engelbert was ROBBED! I need some more panadol and you need bed!
Treacle: YES
SLEEEEEEEEEP
Next year I will bloody well fly up for Eurovision weekend.
me: Good plan! Bring brownies!

And now, off to bed in a bid to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. Pilates is not looking at all likely …

PS Happy birthday [livejournal.com profile] bryoneybrynn! And to [livejournal.com profile] gwenivere73! And for yesterday to [livejournal.com profile] hogwartsvixxxen and [livejournal.com profile] silvershinigami! Best wishes for pressies and hugs all round! NB: hugs from people without snot.
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Tonight's ridiculousness comes to you in loving memory of [livejournal.com profile] leni_jess, who I was never lucky enough to meet, but am very happy to have made laugh.

And also with very happy birthday wishes to [livejournal.com profile] nursedarry: I have paused on knitting like a fiend so that I don't send you my germs on your socks!

SBS apparently has a Eurovision radio station rocking out this weekend. I have to say that if it's another day on the sofa tomorrow, I may be tempted to tune in! And it's back to Azerbaijan we go. The audience look more pleased to be here tonight, which leads me to believe that either the other night was an anomaly, or they were given a stern talking to afterwards and told to lift their game.

The presenters are back, and again, are very nicely dressed! I will never see any of these three again after this weekend, but will always think of them as classy. It's that easy, TV people, and yet so many get it so wrong … Last night's jokes about the difficulty of French continue, which is rather sweet, really.



And straight into things with Serbia's Zeljko Something-starting-with-J (the surtitles go by too quickly!) and Love is Not a Thing. And OH! Beautiful string intro! Really lovely. He's got one of those classic mid-20th century male crooning voices of the type that Michael Bublé aspires to and the sort of dark brooding look that keeps teenaged girls coming back for Heathcliffe even though they know he's a wanker. Two violins and a drum on stage, with a folk guitar and flute rounding out the sound, to great effect I must say. Key change, up tempo: DRINK! I'm really liking this one, it has a great mix of portentousness, catchiness and Euroseriousness. Fingers crossed!

FYR Macedonia with Kalliopi performing Crno i Belo. She is wearing classic early 90s lesbian business chic and in fact looks not unlike my mother. This is weird. Happily, my mother cannot sing and to the best of my knowledge has no Serbian relatives. Well-performed power ballad with a bit of stretch on the high notes, but the sort of roughness that sounds good. That guitarist is playing for dear life, dear wee bairn. Could be a surprise hit – loads of passion and that's always a Eurovision fave.

The Netherlands, Joan Franka, You and Me. And we have fire pits on stage and she is wearing a Native American headdress … and looks a little stoned. Apparently the song is about them being children and playing cowboys and Indians. Possibly a teeny tiny bit culturally insensitive? Oh they have a banjo and a piano accordian, I am prepared to do a lot of forgiving. I do love me a dodgy instrument! The backup band look like Mumford and Cousins, and seem to be having a lot more fun than the singer. Maybe there has been a schism, as they're positioned about 50 feet away from her on one of the long stage aprons. The song itself is a bit meh, though the tune isn't bad. The singing isn't really lively enough for it, though the playing is making up for that, but still ... They've all come together for the end, so there's a message of reconciliation underneath.

Next up Malta, Kurt Calleja with This is the Night. It's a song about a chap trying to pick up a girl, and he looks disturbingly like a chap who used almost these identical lines on me in a club back in 1990. Down to the hair and outfit. Come on, Malta, I know your young folk are hipper than that! It's harmless Europop with a nice little dance remix bit inserted in the middle and a spot of smoke machine (drink!) and a chap busting out Vanilla Ice dance moves. Seriously? The last 22 years feel wasted, so wasted.

On to Belarus and Litesound with We are the Heroes. Zhooshy space sound effects to open and shadowy figures moving through downlighting to reveal a chap in a chainmail vest and tight black trousers. Classic Eurovision! Five post-apocalyptically dressed young lads of reasonable hotness carving up the stage and using their instrument stands for a spot of on-stage acrobatics. Love it! Props = drinks! The song itself is nothing much, but it's being delivered with conviction! Though he lost it a bit in his waily waily spot … You're not Beyonce, son, let go of the dream.

Ad break: water! And we're back! A little extra with the presenters going around thanking all the backstage workers and handing out roses. Their normal clothes are nice, too! I think they might be my fave presenters ever!

Portugal's Filipa and Vida Minha, which has a traditional Portuguese backbeat and swing right from the outset. I quite like her and her spangly frock, even with its thigh split. Oh, nope, highly visible side zip. Unfortunate. The song is technically good and well performed, but doesn't have a lot to engage the crowds. Two good key changes, though (drink!) and she's bringing it home for a strong finish. I think this one scores high on the talent rankings, but that won't necessarily equate to high in the vote tally.

Bring on the Ukraine and Gaitana with Be My Guest. BIG STAGE PROPS! Wacky fringed dress and flowery headdress. If they both survive the performance I will be very surprised. The songs title seems to also be the lyrics for the most part. Backup dancers with trumpets in kilts appearing from beingd the big prop screens, wearing the oddest white boots ever seen. Good belting voice, and she looks great, but I think this song would be better with a stronger beat and rave 'accessories'. And we end with pyro! DRINK LOTS! (No costume reveal, though. What's going on?)

Bulgaria and Sofi Marinova with Love Unlimited. Low-key compared to the last, one girl in white minidress and kinky boots, flipping that high ponytail like a thoroughbred with a fly problem. She's quite good, but in my fevered state I'm a bit lacking in whelm. And she fell off a note towards the end. Goodbye, Sofi. Take care, you're clearly a nice chick, I wish you well.

Slovenia's Eva Botoi next with Verjamen. Sorry, Eva, even your flowery princess dress and all-white-dress backing singers aren't enough to keep me, I'm off for a drink of water. Though I must say, that's a good display of corsetry!

Up now, Croatia's Nina Badric with Nebo. She appears to be wearing a black coccon, could our first reveal be coming? Two boy backing dancers dressed like Gaultier models and three girly singers in bubble skirts. Mmmm. Those boys are a bit tasty! She's turned around to show us a big bow on the back of the frock, but it's not coming off. I don't understand! Oh, the song … er, yeah. Fine.

SWEDEN! The very nice Loreena with Euphoria who I like immediately because I had that haircut in 1991 and that dress in 2000. Though not with trousers underneath, you wily hipster. I quite like this song and would dance the hell out of it at a club, but I wonder if it needs a bit more in the way of clear vocal performance rather than the singing within the music that she's doing (and doing very well). It's picking up a bit towards the end, and the dance act was cool! Snow! Drink!  Fingers crossed she does very well: I could make a case to get to Stockholm to at least three mags!

Georgia with Anri Jokhadze and I'm a Joker. Which would explain why he is wearing red Death Eater robes and has four backup singers in bondage gear. Oh, he's ditched the robe and is now dressed as Mr Eurotrash, which is clearly a pisstake and actually a bit funny. The backup costumes have that Eastern European aesthetic that defeats my drag eye, but regardless of sex or gender, they all look a little bit nervous about their pointy-ended hairpieces which are hovering very close to their eyes. They've made it to the end unscathed! Hurrah! Well danced in terrifying bodices, ladies!

Time for Turkey's Can Bonomo with Love Me Back. He's a hotty! And his backup boys have capes! And are doing the Batman Dance! Oh Turkish boys, why so tasty? Not spectacularly on the beat with the dancing, and one's just tripped on his cape, but who cares? Can's jacket has weird tippety like things descending from his armpits. I can't tell you why. Oh, and the capes have joined together to make a ship! Which makes sense of his little leather sailor's hat: I thought he was just prepped for his clubbing later on tonight. Nice enough song, lots of Nonny nonny, I jest not. 

ESTONIA! MY FAVOURITES! Ott Lepland with Kuula. Oh, what a lovely voice he has, though he seems to be labouring under the misapprehension that this is a competition in which singing is actually important and has left all of his ridiculous stage accessories at home, just one elegant backup singer. If this was actually judged on songs and the singing of them, I feel that Ott would be a runaway winner (though he and Englebert will have to battle in the final). As it is, he's cute enough to make it through to the finals, unless European women are harsher than I believe them to be!

Backstage interviews, including Lena from 2010. She's kind of cute, really. And Julia has found Ott, he's a total sweety! Yay! And she's also found a lecherous heavy metal lad who is a lot of fun. Ah, journalism!

Slovakia gives us Max Jason Mai with Don't Close Your Eyes. And yes, he is our groper, with pubis-hugging leather trousers and an open jacket sans shirt. Ah, such a good grasp of the rock classics from before he was born … I can't work out if he's a bit pitchy on the verse or if it's written that way. The chorus is hard and driven and he's certainly got the abs to wear that top. Some great hair work from the band, it's a beautiful thing in its own way.

And lovely Norway! Tooji with Stay. He's wearing a hoodie! To disguise his Beiber fringe … He's got four very good backup dancers and they are all making the most of the hard beats. Pyro for an extra drink! And look, it's a dance tune, like most other dance tunes. Though they are pleasant to look at …

Bosnia and Herzegovina are represented by Mya Sar with Korake Ti Znam, who is a classy chick with a piano and terrifying shoulder wings. Seriously, costume designers, she's a nice looking woman, why the Evil Queen outfit? Again, she seems to have made the mistake of bringing a decent song and performing it well. Oh, she's stepping away from the piano for the second half, and the dress looks even weirder standing up. Wind machine! Drink! Yah, I've got nothing. She's too good to mock, but not flashy enough to win.

Lithuania to finish up, with Donny Montell and Love is Blind: he is wearing a blindfold covered in Swarovski crystals. There is a definite Disco S&M subtext to this semi! Love isn't blind, Donny. I'm a coughing febrile mess at the moment and Mr B is not keen to jump me, which is a good thing, because he would get a punch. And there goes the blindfold, follwed by Donny rocking out a one-handed cartwheel and a spot of hip thrusting. And now he has a bunch of pole-dancing silhouettes on the big screens behind him. Donny, I suspect you are not the committed lover you pretend you are!

This semi was much odder than the first one, or possibly my fever is just spiking. I am hoping for both Estonia and Sweden tonight: fingers crossed! Recaps time! And now for the interval act. Five past winners including the cute Alexander from Norway and Lena and the lovely Serbian lesbian Maria Whatsy! Oh shush, I'm rubbish at names in real life, too. Alex is growing up, but I still want to tweak his little cheeks! Lena time: she is much taller than I remember. And now that bloody song is back in my head, dammit!  And last year's winners are back singing Waterloo! Alexander is still clearly carrying that torch for Lena, BTW. And last year's girl winner has clearly never heard Waterloo before. Bloody Gen Y! It's OK, Maria is in there picking up the slack, and with infinitely more class.

A quick flick through the pre-qualified countries, out of which Englebert Humperdink remains the outstanding performer: seriously good voice. And the others.

Voting done! Here we go: Lithuania! Donny will hipthrust again, oh joy. Bosnia & Herzegovina! Well, at least she's talented! Serbia! Well done that chap. Max has his shirt off altogether now. Ukraine! Well, that'll keep us awake. Sweden! HURRAH! FYR Macedonia! Go Mum! Norway! Really? OK. ESTONIA! JOY AND DELIGHT! Malta! A triumph for Vanilla Ice. And finally, Turkey! But of course. Not all the choices I would have made, but then, I wouldn't have formed a single currency without centralised financial governance, either.

And on that note, I leave you until tomorrow, by which point you will probably know the winners before I do!

blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Recent overwork and communing with the public on the bus has seen me hit with a nasty cold that left me bedridden today rather than finishing the three urgent things I needed to get done. Will I catch up tonight? No, for it is Eurovision, and once a year the trashiest tunes of the Continent win out over everything else. THIS IS THAT WEEKEND.

For the next two hours, and again for the next two nights, I will be ignoring the coughing, the complaining cats, the slow computer and the appallingly dodgy sociopolitical background as we celebrate Eurovision 2012. (I know the semi-finals are ahead of us in Europe, Australian TV is cheerfully slow.)



Opening montage with scrolling flamey effects: if I was a drinker and in any state remotely resembling health, that would have been a shot right there. And the hosts, two girls, one boy, another shot. All photogenic enough and conservatively dressed which is a welcome relief after last year. Some of the audience appeared to have been ordered to attend, and look tremendously pleased. All of the presenters were born in the 80s. God I feel old ...

Quick mentions of the pre-qualified countries, but no clips of their songs – it is possible that this will be a quick show. Chanting from the crowd, which I think is just 'Azerbaijan! Oi! Oi! Oi!' but could be 'Democracy would be nice!' My cat is making attack runs on my lap, which is filled with laptop, so forgive any typos.

Montenegro to begin. Quick pre-song video clip, mostly of oranges. Rambo Amadeus is the singer, Euro Neuro the song, he rhymes 'Euro Sceptic' with 'Try not to be hermetic', which is a good note to start on, but on the whole this rap-based tune is a bit odd, and he looks like the lovechild of Michael Moore and Gerard Depardieu. Clearly an anti-Merckl sentiment driving this statement, with political banners being unrolled in the background and a Trojan Horse prop. And now breakdancing. Of course. Oh, our Everyman character is being tied up in the banners and carted off, and our singer reveals his empty pockets as a heartbreaking ending note. OK.

And now Iceland. Greta Salomi and some hot boy with Never Forget. She has a violin! It is dramatic! Nice song with some good use of minor chords. 'She whispers warm and tenderly, please come back to me ...' Everyone is wearing black, which makes them look as though they've ducked out from a Philharmonic orchestra over interval. Not impossible, they're still a bit broke up there and a lot of people are working two jobs ... Lovely 'Aahh, ahhhhh' work from the backup singers. 'Never forget, what I did, what I said ...' blah de blah ... If you really want your lover to remember you, tattoo your name on their bum while they sleep.

Greece next. I predict they will not be trying very hard to win. I can say the singer's name, but not spell it. Sorry, love! It's called Aphrodisiac, and they are wearing little mini dresses (girls) and cut-away tops (boys). This song is tripe, but they are all very pleasant to look at. Well done, Greece! I think you are safe from winning, but I now have an urge for a Greek Island holiday. Mission accomplished you wily Hellenic types. And for those drinking as they watch: hip thrusts, jumps, oh-oh chorus = three shots. Oh, shimmying! Four! Spot of traditional Greek dancing! Five! Keep em small, kids, there's a long way to go.

On to Latvia, with Anmary and  Beautiful Song. 'I was born in 1980', she sings. Really? Sunblock, love. Try it, it's great! Anyway, the whole tune is about desiring to win Eurovision, which I feel fairly confident she won't. Good voice, though, lots of colour, which is completely wasted on this rather meh song. I suspect, looking at the not-very flattering frocks, it's another case of can't afford to win here.

Albania now, whose intro video has people playing polo. Love it! Rona with Suus, which is sung in Albanian, so I will not be mocking the lyrics, because I am ignorant. I will be mocking her hairstyle, because it is awful: what looks like blonde-dyed dreads pulled back into a massive bouffant bun over her slicked-back brown roots. Combined with her 70s' sci-fi outfit, she looks like Servalan's hairier cousin come to take a few potshots at Blake and Avon. Good voice, though, but the song is so passionate and meaningful that I feel depressed even though I can't understand a word. And she flats out a little on some of the higher notes, though that could be the sound, which is a little patchy. The crowd love it!

Romania, and I was grabbing a drink so missed the name, but BAGPIPES! DRINK! Girl in tiny red frock out the front of boys in white outfits and giant instruments. Madam, I can see your knickers. And very nearly your knockers as I originally typed. Quite a catchy tune and well-performed all round. I would say that I am hoping for a costume reveal, but I am not sure how much more she can legally reveal. FIREWORKS! DRINK! There is a piano accordian AND bagpipes, I feel as though I am in Eurovision heaven.

Switzerland's Sinplus, with Unbreakable. HELLO [livejournal.com profile] kirieldp! Oh so far the hottest boys of the night, with nicely etched hairstyles. Catchy poppy tune, too, though rather interesting English enunciation. I really want the guitarist's grass-green jacket! Good crowd connection, but the song is a bit too same-same all the way though. They'll probably make it to the finals, though.

Belgium has given us Iris with Would You? No, I would not wear a light white dress with that degree of intense backlighting, that's for sure. I feel I know that girl far more intimately than I ever wanted to! In normal lighting it is a pretty and demure frock that is appropriate for someone who's 17, as she is. The song is spectacularly average. Nothing really wrong, just average. I think I am going to have some throat-soothing cold vanilla custard while this plays out, seems apt.

FINLAND! My third-favourites on principle. Pernilla with Nar jag Blundar, and they both look like proper grown-ups which is a pleasant turn-up for the books. He has a cello, she has an unfeasibly long green train to her frock. I am hoping for the night's first costume tearaway! Good song, nice simple hook, well built as it goes on, and the singing is engaging without being overwrought. You could take a half drink for the restrained use of wind machine, but on the whole, it's unobjectionable. And the frock survives intact!

Time for Israel, Izabo with Time, in Hebrew and English. And it's a hard-rocking beat to bring us in to … er, a kibbutz band in 1976? Seriously, what is going on with those sideburns and lapels? I am having a MASSIVE flashback to Italian TV in the mid-80s when they had those mad variety shows. It's strangely compelling. It's sort of like the B52s styled by Nana Mouskouri and a bit of LSD.

San Marino with The Social Network Song sung by Valentina Moneta. She is wearing pleather trousers and singing about Facebook. I am opposed to this song on principle. Bring back the Israelis, they were at least entertaining! 'If you want to come to my house, just click me with your mouse'?! She has a netbook on stage, and someone dressed as a pilot. Who knows? From what I can gather it seems to be a song in praise of Grindr. Kids today.

Hello Cyprus! Ivi Adamou with La La Love. Cute frocks! Cute girls! Stone bench prop and tight choreography, but that's about it. Good walkovers from the dancers! Sub-Shakira bellydancing interlude, but I suspect this will go through on the basis of the song being OK and the girls being rather hot.

Denmark up next. Soluna Samay with Should've Known Better. Slightly dodgy outfit, but I really like her voice, it's bright and fluid, and she's more engaged with the song than the last few have been. The backing group are great, they look like a bunch of students in one of those shows set in a performing arts school. And she has a nice touch on that guitar (I notice these things now I am a Ukulele Player). Two thumbs up for this one! (They're probably doomed if my past guesses are anything to go by.)

Russia with the Babushki singing Party for Everybody. And I learn they have had to leave two off stage! Damn 6-person rules. My fave frocks of the night, easily. This song is a bit Les Mystere de Voix Bulgaires, and the rest Moscow! Moscow! I LOVE IT!. Also, it's about seven shots: one for each granny to start with! Though again, if only one of these women is 77 and the rest are younger, can I say again: sunblock. Seriously, ladies, a bit of skin care goes a long way! That goes for you, too, gents. I feel young for the first time this evening.

Hungary now with Compact Disco performing the Sound of Our Hearts. My computer is hanging, dammit. I suspect this is a good song for that to happen in. Boys in nice jackets being Earnest. Good-oh. Back in two minutes once I sort out whatever the problem is ... Oh, hey, he uses the stage aprons. Drink! Still a meh song, though.

Austria has given us Trackshittaz with Woki Mit Dein Popo. And they can have it right back. Poledancers? Seriously? Adam Yauch is barely in his grave and he's already having to get with the rolling.

And we move to Moldova, with Pasha something starting with P and Lautar. Craziest outfits of the night so far, mini crinolines with almost Aboriginal designs on them. Who can explain it, who can tell you why? Fools will give you reasons, I'll wish I was well enough to hit the Pimms. He appears to be wearing whatever was left in the changerooms at his local bondage club last weekend, and a yellow top. Ah you wacky Moldovans. The clothes have absolutely distracted me from the song, which was fine and well performed, but nothing like so distinctive as the outfits.

The last song is the one we've all been waiting for. Ireland's Jedward with Waterline. McFuck with fries, what is happening with those outfits? Silver and gold shiny futuristic rejects from Barbarella. Ditto for the dance moves. Oh Ireland, you're not even trying these days, bless your impoverished little hearts. At least the boys have allowed their hair to admit the existence of gravity, and are singing in tune this year! They're still as bouncy as ever, bless em. I believe the song suggests they are both seeing the same girl at the same time, to which I say, [livejournal.com profile] treacle_tartlet already makes terrible twincest jokes about you two, must you encourage her? And they end with a waterfall! And them IN a waterfall! MASSIVE DRINK! Oh look, their hair is flat! You will never see that again, pause the DVR while you can. And we're off to voting!

The presenters are back, and mildly amusing. I like them because we have seen very little of them and they have not tried to be 'personalities' unlike the last few years. Two thumbs up from me! Now we recap, and recap, and a spot more recapping … Voting countdown, and we're done! I feel reasonably confident the grannies are safe, which means there will be two nations counting on septugenarians come the final.

Quick clips from the pre-qualified countries: Englebert Humperdink for the UK, Lady Gaga's cousin for France, Germany's Lena's cousin for Italy, Celine Dion's cousin for Azerbaijan, Penelope Cruz's cousin for Spain, and a Coldplay tribute band for Germany. Roll on Sunday night!


And now, the results! Romania! White outfits win again! Moldova! Well done funny outfit man. Iceland! They were very classy. Hungary! Really? OK. Denmark! Yay! She was ace! Albania! One for the SF set. Cyprus! Told you. I am worried for Jedward. And my classy Finns. And we've lost sound. Greece! Oh dear. Try not to win, kids. One of my faves is going home. Russia! HURRAH! Yay Nannas! And the commentators are adding in some meta comedy, bless their cotton socks! IRELAND! Those boys can really jump. Sorry Finland, sorry Israel. Good lord, Jedward are cartwheeling onstage. Madness.

OK, bedtime in a bid to regain my health and be back tomorrow for semifinal 2! Good night all!

blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
I was going to ignore most of the Eurovision final from a recapping perspective, but I have a stomach ache from excess macaron consumption and cannot face writing or knitting, so here we go. And, alas, I am spoiled for the winner (eyes flist crossly), but I can at least hope that it is close. Half of me wonders if I should not be watching Doctor Who instead. And as it turns out, the opening sequence from Norway looks like a DW special effect for invading alien swarm, so clearly they feel my pain.

Now they have little telecards from all the nations, with punters wishing their teams best of luck. They start with the UK, which is simply cruel. Luck won't help, it'll need bloody miracle. Last year's winner wishes everyone luck, then pops out to perform his winning song, far breathier this year –– does he have the same cold as Niamh from Ireland? Oh you cougar, Ms Kavanagh! He hands singing duties over to the audience, which is probably for the best, but breaks out the violin section with skill. Lovely and short rendition, bless. Follows that up with winks to the audience, and that's fine, he's a cutie.

I did not think it was possible, but the frocks the girl presenters are wearing tonight are even more hideous than the ones they wore in the semi finals. They're attractive women, why do the show designers hate them? The chap's hair is boofed up so that, with his narrow hips and broad-shouldered tuxedo, he looks as though he might topple over thanks to top heaviness.

Oh that old May the Best Song Win line -- such a perennial lie ...
Onto the songs! )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
I was going to ignore most of the Eurovision final from a recapping perspective, but I have a stomach ache from excess macaron consumption and cannot face writing or knitting, so here we go. And, alas, I am spoiled for the winner (eyes flist crossly), but I can at least hope that it is close. Half of me wonders if I should not be watching Doctor Who instead. And as it turns out, the opening sequence from Norway looks like a DW special effect for invading alien swarm, so clearly they feel my pain.

Now they have little telecards from all the nations, with punters wishing their teams best of luck. They start with the UK, which is simply cruel. Luck won't help, it'll need bloody miracle. Last year's winner wishes everyone luck, then pops out to perform his winning song, far breathier this year –– does he have the same cold as Niamh from Ireland? Oh you cougar, Ms Kavanagh! He hands singing duties over to the audience, which is probably for the best, but breaks out the violin section with skill. Lovely and short rendition, bless. Follows that up with winks to the audience, and that's fine, he's a cutie.

I did not think it was possible, but the frocks the girl presenters are wearing tonight are even more hideous than the ones they wore in the semi finals. They're attractive women, why do the show designers hate them? The chap's hair is boofed up so that, with his narrow hips and broad-shouldered tuxedo, he looks as though he might topple over thanks to top heaviness.

Oh that old May the Best Song Win line -- such a perennial lie ...
Onto the songs! )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Mr Brammers is a god who walks the earth and has provided macarons for tonight's Eurovision watching. He went a bit overboard, though, so I am having to exercise restraint, as eating 30 macarons after last night's wine and limoncello consumption will be disastrous for my figure and also for my brain, which still has much writing to accomplish this weekend.

There's an hour until the telecast for semi final 2 begins in Australia (and PLEASE hide the final results if you're posting from Europe later on, as we are a day behind, damn the no live telecast situation!), so a little explanation first.

WHAT IS EUROVISION AND/OR WHY ARE PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT IT?
* The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition in which sees the nations of the European Broadcasting Union (which includes Israel, even though it's not part of Europe) enter a song each to compete with each other in a bid to win the grand prize. Which is, er, winning. Look, it's better than war, and since the contest started in 1956, the number of European wars has gone significantly downhill in both frequency and vehemence. Sure, the number of bad songs has seen a related rise, but it's a price we're willing to pay.

* It's not all crap, the contest has given the world such treasures as Waterloo and Nel blu dipinto di blu, better known as Volare. The first time most of us saw Riverdance was in the interval show in 1994. I should have stopped at two examples, shouldn't I?

* Songs are limited to three minutes or less, and groups are limited to six performers. There are a number of Eurovision Classic Themes: the costume reveal, where an article of clothing turns out to be a prop or a tear-away section; the hero note, where a singer goes for a particularly high or sustained note; the hero pose; which is self-explanatory and not limited to male performers; the sexually suggestive costume or dance move, for which we are all grateful; the Cutural Moment, where something appropriately ethnic is trotted out to remind everyone that this is about Europe (recent hits have ranged from a small embroidery-wearing grandmother with a drum to obscure folk instruments that look painful to play);  props, from wind and smoke machines to stilts and images; and finally, earnestness -- huge poignant levels of earnestness.

* It's not cool, but it is hilarious. The UK entry is almost always crap, the Greek entry almost always has a man whose shirt buttons have been lost in a tragic incident and the French entry will be either Unbelievably Earnest, or about sex, sometimes both (this year it appears to be about the World Cup. And sex.) It should be approached with alcohol, a bingo card, and a sense of jollity. In Australia, it is tremendously popular, because Australians love everything daggy, and this would win the Dag Olympics, if ever an Australian could be bothered to organise such a thing.

*Shrieks of "Nil Points!" erupt at particularly bad entries: this is the ultimate Eurovision insult, as points normally range from 1-12 and, given the number of countries voting, it is hard to receive no points at all. I should add that a country cannot vote for its own entry. Often such results are political comments: I seem to recall the UK receiving many nil points for a surprisingly decent entry the year after Blair went into Iraq. A new system begins this year where judges' marks make up half the final total, this is in response to some results that have had more to do with European political and social blocs than with the songs.

And now, on with the commentary ...
It's hard to believe, but these acts all actually want to win. )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Mr Brammers is a god who walks the earth and has provided macarons for tonight's Eurovision watching. He went a bit overboard, though, so I am having to exercise restraint, as eating 30 macarons after last night's wine and limoncello consumption will be disastrous for my figure and also for my brain, which still has much writing to accomplish this weekend.

There's an hour until the telecast for semi final 2 begins in Australia (and PLEASE hide the final results if you're posting from Europe later on, as we are a day behind, damn the no live telecast situation!), so a little explanation first.

WHAT IS EUROVISION AND/OR WHY ARE PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT IT?
* The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition in which sees the nations of the European Broadcasting Union (which includes Israel, even though it's not part of Europe) enter a song each to compete with each other in a bid to win the grand prize. Which is, er, winning. Look, it's better than war, and since the contest started in 1956, the number of European wars has gone significantly downhill in both frequency and vehemence. Sure, the number of bad songs has seen a related rise, but it's a price we're willing to pay.

* It's not all crap, the contest has given the world such treasures as Waterloo and Nel blu dipinto di blu, better known as Volare. The first time most of us saw Riverdance was in the interval show in 1994. I should have stopped at two examples, shouldn't I?

* Songs are limited to three minutes or less, and groups are limited to six performers. There are a number of Eurovision Classic Themes: the costume reveal, where an article of clothing turns out to be a prop or a tear-away section; the hero note, where a singer goes for a particularly high or sustained note; the hero pose; which is self-explanatory and not limited to male performers; the sexually suggestive costume or dance move, for which we are all grateful; the Cutural Moment, where something appropriately ethnic is trotted out to remind everyone that this is about Europe (recent hits have ranged from a small embroidery-wearing grandmother with a drum to obscure folk instruments that look painful to play);  props, from wind and smoke machines to stilts and images; and finally, earnestness -- huge poignant levels of earnestness.

* It's not cool, but it is hilarious. The UK entry is almost always crap, the Greek entry almost always has a man whose shirt buttons have been lost in a tragic incident and the French entry will be either Unbelievably Earnest, or about sex, sometimes both (this year it appears to be about the World Cup. And sex.) It should be approached with alcohol, a bingo card, and a sense of jollity. In Australia, it is tremendously popular, because Australians love everything daggy, and this would win the Dag Olympics, if ever an Australian could be bothered to organise such a thing.

*Shrieks of "Nil Points!" erupt at particularly bad entries: this is the ultimate Eurovision insult, as points normally range from 1-12 and, given the number of countries voting, it is hard to receive no points at all. I should add that a country cannot vote for its own entry. Often such results are political comments: I seem to recall the UK receiving many nil points for a surprisingly decent entry the year after Blair went into Iraq. A new system begins this year where judges' marks make up half the final total, this is in response to some results that have had more to do with European political and social blocs than with the songs.

And now, on with the commentary ...
It's hard to believe, but these acts all actually want to win. )
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Spectacular dinner, now surrounded by cats, the house is warm while outside is grey and wet, and I have delicious fudge from Tasmania. Best of all, I have a television and SBS. Naturally, I have FAR more sensible and pressing things to be doing, but instead, let me tell you about Eurovision Semi-final 1.

The horror!! )

Anyway, that's me done as I am now more than a little bit stonkered and treacle has run away to watch Glee with the goatfarmer. The Finnish singer, who is a delight, has just begged that Australia join the European Union: A surer sign of economic desperation I have rarely seen. Get your own Mining Windfall! You can look up the results, or check out any of these spectacular acts yourself on www.eurovision.tv -- you won't regret it! And to put you in the right mood, here's the 2000 winner:
blamebrampton: 15th century woodcut of a hound (Default)
Spectacular dinner, now surrounded by cats, the house is warm while outside is grey and wet, and I have delicious fudge from Tasmania. Best of all, I have a television and SBS. Naturally, I have FAR more sensible and pressing things to be doing, but instead, let me tell you about Eurovision Semi-final 1.

The horror!! )

Anyway, that's me done as I am now more than a little bit stonkered and treacle has run away to watch Glee with the goatfarmer. The Finnish singer, who is a delight, has just begged that Australia join the European Union: A surer sign of economic desperation I have rarely seen. Get your own Mining Windfall! You can look up the results, or check out any of these spectacular acts yourself on www.eurovision.tv -- you won't regret it! And to put you in the right mood, here's the 2000 winner:

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