This is why my fanfiction is so porn-free

[blamebrampton]

I start work at 10, which is a perfectly sensible time to start work, I believe, even if everyone around me insists in starting at 9. I live a 15-minute walk from work, so as you can imagine, there seems little point in me getting out of bed before 8.30. This morning was running a bit late and at 9.05 I had just splashed my face with cold water when there was a pounding on the door.

Thinking it was the postman, I grabbed a large towel and wrapped it around myself in a manner that was far more decorous in result than what half the fashion mag kids wear to work, and answered the door, positioning most of myself genteelly behind said door in expectation of needing to sign something and be given books.

It was the water man.

'I've come to read the meter,' he said. (It is in our back garden for reasons known only to the lunatics who built this house.)

'Oh,' I said. 'Could you wait a minute while I put some clothes on?'

He blinked. 'Um, I can come back in 15.'

'That would be perfect!'

Off he went, I shut the door and ran to find clothes. Dressed, I brushed my teeth. Then did my hair. Then slathered on sunblock. Then contemplated make-up before deciding it would just melt off in the sauna that was today's heat. Fifteen minutes had come and gone twice, then three times.

I rang work. 'I'm running late,' I told my friend. 'If anyone comes looking for me, tell them I will be there asap, I am just waiting on Sydney Water.'

'Oh, what's up?' she asked.

I recounted the story.

She burst out laughing.

'What?' I said, confused.

'Sweetie, one of three things has happened: a. he's decided you're a fiendish cougar after his young blood and fled; b. he is at the chemist buying supplies even as we speak; c. he is at the Catholic church down the road repenting his lustful thoughts.'

I gaped at the phone. 'Why would you say that? I'm lovely and proper!'

'Replay it in your head,' she said.

'It's all ... oh. Well, a perverted person could possibly misinterpret that ... but he's probably just been delayed at another house.'

'If he's not back within ten from now, or if he's back and eager ...'

'Shut up.'

He reappeared just as I was about to give up on him and go to work. He was a professional credit to Sydney Water and did not even blink an eye at our giant pet spider by the back door. My friend at work admitted that she had been wrong and that meter readers must be used to dealing with the dozy. I, for my troubles, was attacked by a rose bush in the back garden and now have twin puncture marks on my arm that look as though I have tangled with the world's tiniest vampire. And I was late for work!

Comments

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Now I'm smiling. :-)

Thanks!

[kareina.livejournal.com]

The part that surprises me with this story is where you'd need to even know he was there at all--most places I live they just walk to the meter on their own, read it and go, without even knocking on the door...

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Lol story

And I start work at noon and think it's too bloody early...

[brissygirl.livejournal.com]

That's classic! Although not as bad as having a kip on the lounge, with the front door wide open and only dressed in a bra & underwear, when a lovely scottish boy knocked on my door selling memberships to the local karate club!!

[vaysh11.livejournal.com]

If you'd wrote a daily column, simply recounting everyday recurrences like this one, you could be rich. Just sayin'. ♥

[deannawol.livejournal.com]

Have people looking at me oddly because I may have laughed out loud when reading this. You, honey, are a treasure. Thanks for brightening up my Monday morning. :)

[mayela-delarue.livejournal.com]

*titter*

[kareina.livejournal.com]

This story puts me in mind of a friend of mine from Alaska--a large/tall bearded, somewhat intimidating looking balding man with lots of body-hair. One day the doorbell rang as he stepped out of the shower, so he wrapped on a towel and answered the door. Peeking his head around the door he was greeted by two little old ladies who explained that they wished to talk to him about God. So he dropped the towel, opened the door widely and said "sure ladies, come on in". Not only did they depart hastily, no other religious folk of any persuasion came to his door looking to convert him again for as long as he lived there...

[quatrefoil.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I can never set foot in your house again, now that I know about the spider.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*shivers* I'll happily trade you seasons, Cougar lady. *g*

[shezan.livejournal.com]

......somehow, the only words I keep from this entertaining story are GIANT PET SPIDER??????????

[alex-s9.livejournal.com]

@did not even blink an eye at our giant pet spider by the back door.

Wait, what?

[absynthedrinker.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the morning giggle!

And now tell us more about Mr. Brammers wtihout any clothes on.

Peace,
Bubba

[kerryblaze.livejournal.com]

Your friend's three scenarios made me LOL! My company has technicians that go to people's homes. Every one has a story about someone answering the door naked. Some of the customers call and report problems simply for that purpose!

Only you.

[wemyss.livejournal.com]

No, really. Only you.

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Hehheeee! Awesome story. Especially the vicious rose bush. *thumbs up*

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

*shrieks with laughter*

That's how many pornos begin, isn't it? With the delivery man encountering the naked lady-of-the-house? *guffaws*

[teganscrush.livejournal.com]

98% of the population qualify as a 'perverted person.' You, however are so pure that only the tiniest vampires would dare attack you. *g*

<3

[tinofbeans.livejournal.com]

What can I say, at least you were not fending off home invaders this time. It really is a step up.

I do agree that most Sydney homes have a giant pet spider in the back yard. Ours attach themselves to the Mango trees and to the trampoline. But they are very good about not rebuilding until everyone has gone to bed. You just have to break their webs each morning. It is the little to medium black spiders that run towards you rather than away that you have to worry about. I hate spiders but even I have come to terms with the large orb spiners and St Andrews Cross types.

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

Haha. ...but what does it have to do with the porn? Or is porn only supposed to be written between 9 and 10? *confused*

[hanson-phreek.livejournal.com]

I love this little glimpse into your mind. I'd probably have been just as nieve as you were....It's one of the things I love about myself. Thanks for sharing with us!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

I replayed and I still don't see anything lewd in it; you said you'd put on clothes. After hours of not getting it, I thought I'd ask.