This is why my fanfiction is so porn-free

[blamebrampton]

I start work at 10, which is a perfectly sensible time to start work, I believe, even if everyone around me insists in starting at 9. I live a 15-minute walk from work, so as you can imagine, there seems little point in me getting out of bed before 8.30. This morning was running a bit late and at 9.05 I had just splashed my face with cold water when there was a pounding on the door.

Thinking it was the postman, I grabbed a large towel and wrapped it around myself in a manner that was far more decorous in result than what half the fashion mag kids wear to work, and answered the door, positioning most of myself genteelly behind said door in expectation of needing to sign something and be given books.

It was the water man.

'I've come to read the meter,' he said. (It is in our back garden for reasons known only to the lunatics who built this house.)

'Oh,' I said. 'Could you wait a minute while I put some clothes on?'

He blinked. 'Um, I can come back in 15.'

'That would be perfect!'

Off he went, I shut the door and ran to find clothes. Dressed, I brushed my teeth. Then did my hair. Then slathered on sunblock. Then contemplated make-up before deciding it would just melt off in the sauna that was today's heat. Fifteen minutes had come and gone twice, then three times.

I rang work. 'I'm running late,' I told my friend. 'If anyone comes looking for me, tell them I will be there asap, I am just waiting on Sydney Water.'

'Oh, what's up?' she asked.

I recounted the story.

She burst out laughing.

'What?' I said, confused.

'Sweetie, one of three things has happened: a. he's decided you're a fiendish cougar after his young blood and fled; b. he is at the chemist buying supplies even as we speak; c. he is at the Catholic church down the road repenting his lustful thoughts.'

I gaped at the phone. 'Why would you say that? I'm lovely and proper!'

'Replay it in your head,' she said.

'It's all ... oh. Well, a perverted person could possibly misinterpret that ... but he's probably just been delayed at another house.'

'If he's not back within ten from now, or if he's back and eager ...'

'Shut up.'

He reappeared just as I was about to give up on him and go to work. He was a professional credit to Sydney Water and did not even blink an eye at our giant pet spider by the back door. My friend at work admitted that she had been wrong and that meter readers must be used to dealing with the dozy. I, for my troubles, was attacked by a rose bush in the back garden and now have twin puncture marks on my arm that look as though I have tangled with the world's tiniest vampire. And I was late for work!

Comments

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Now I'm smiling. :-)

Thanks!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hurrah! My work here is done!

[kareina.livejournal.com]

The part that surprises me with this story is where you'd need to even know he was there at all--most places I live they just walk to the meter on their own, read it and go, without even knocking on the door...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

The meter is in back garden, behind a fence with a locked gate. If ONLY it were somewhere they could read it and go!

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Lol story

And I start work at noon and think it's too bloody early...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

If only I could convince my staff to start later, I would join you. But the little buggers would just sit there for three hours on Facebook rather than one ...

[brissygirl.livejournal.com]

That's classic! Although not as bad as having a kip on the lounge, with the front door wide open and only dressed in a bra & underwear, when a lovely scottish boy knocked on my door selling memberships to the local karate club!!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

EEEK! No, I'm cautious about public nudity now I am off the communes. Unlike Mr Brammers who believes that it is fine to walk around sans pants with the front door open -- we have a pedestrian walkway eight feet from our front door and a long hallway with no hiding places!

[vaysh11.livejournal.com]

If you'd wrote a daily column, simply recounting everyday recurrences like this one, you could be rich. Just sayin'. ♥

[vaysh11.livejournal.com]

Er. Make that "occurrences". Note to self: don't use Latin-based words in the morning.

[deannawol.livejournal.com]

Have people looking at me oddly because I may have laughed out loud when reading this. You, honey, are a treasure. Thanks for brightening up my Monday morning. :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I am glad that my obliviousness brings joy to the world ;-) Though I was right in the end! (Shame about the rose thorns ...)

[mayela-delarue.livejournal.com]

*titter*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

*Shakes head at self*

[kareina.livejournal.com]

This story puts me in mind of a friend of mine from Alaska--a large/tall bearded, somewhat intimidating looking balding man with lots of body-hair. One day the doorbell rang as he stepped out of the shower, so he wrapped on a towel and answered the door. Peeking his head around the door he was greeted by two little old ladies who explained that they wished to talk to him about God. So he dropped the towel, opened the door widely and said "sure ladies, come on in". Not only did they depart hastily, no other religious folk of any persuasion came to his door looking to convert him again for as long as he lived there...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

He's very naughty! Though I did once flash a Mormon who wouldn't leave, but I gave him two polite minutes of refusals first!

[quatrefoil.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I can never set foot in your house again, now that I know about the spider.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

She is outside the back door and never comes inside. There are spiders outside everyone's back door in Sydney! And this one is terribly well behaved and polite. We have her trained to not rebuild her web after we break it twice a week to use the laundry until we turn the back light off, after which she is free to respin. Think of her as a really tiny aerial puppy!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*shivers* I'll happily trade you seasons, Cougar lady. *g*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

*Sends you ten degrees C we really don't need!*

And you say this, but when it is in the mid-high twenties Celcius at night, it grows old quickly.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

......somehow, the only words I keep from this entertaining story are GIANT PET SPIDER??????????

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

One giant pet spider keeps all the mosquitoes at bay! And she's not THAT big, only a bit over an inch across. She makes the most beautiful web, and is actually quite tame and well trained. There is a rule of thumb in Australia that most big furry spiders are harmless and quite friendly.

Of course, the ones that aren't are ferocious and deadly ...

[alex-s9.livejournal.com]

@did not even blink an eye at our giant pet spider by the back door.

Wait, what?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

She's very nice! And keeps the mosquito numbers right down! She hasn't once tried to jump on my head, even when I have had to destroy her web to get to the laundry, and she holds off rebuilding it until I am finished in the laundry, too. A very accommodating arachnid!

[absynthedrinker.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the morning giggle!

And now tell us more about Mr. Brammers wtihout any clothes on.

Peace,
Bubba

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Well, he's hung like a pony, of course ...

[kerryblaze.livejournal.com]

Your friend's three scenarios made me LOL! My company has technicians that go to people's homes. Every one has a story about someone answering the door naked. Some of the customers call and report problems simply for that purpose!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I have to say that the chap was extremely professional, so I didn't for a moment think that he might have thought there was anything dodgy going on, until my tremendously naughty friend floated the idea. He was a credit to his company, as I'm sure your technicians are, no matter what they encounter ;-)

Only you.

[wemyss.livejournal.com]

No, really. Only you.

Re: Only you.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

As Tina mentions below, it's better than the time I fended off two housebreakers armed only with a fluffy bathrobe ... They apologised and then ran, which made me feel tremendously mighty. Then I turned around and realised that all they could see behind me was the hallway which was lined with the weaponry that belonged to my martial artist housemate. They obviously put two and two together and decided I must be the tiniest ninja in the country. Which is a shame, because I had enjoyed my five seconds of believing it was my Voice of Command ;-)

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Hehheeee! Awesome story. Especially the vicious rose bush. *thumbs up*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It's evil! I am taking to it with lopping shears this weekend!

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

*shrieks with laughter*

That's how many pornos begin, isn't it? With the delivery man encountering the naked lady-of-the-house? *guffaws*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I am told so, but would have no idea.

*Sparkles with a pure non-vampiry glow!*

[teganscrush.livejournal.com]

98% of the population qualify as a 'perverted person.' You, however are so pure that only the tiniest vampires would dare attack you. *g*

<3

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It is TRUE! Though I have a terrible problem with unicorns. I tell them they are meant to only follow virgins, but they tell me that they know I have apples secreted about my person and so are willing to make an exception.

[tinofbeans.livejournal.com]

What can I say, at least you were not fending off home invaders this time. It really is a step up.

I do agree that most Sydney homes have a giant pet spider in the back yard. Ours attach themselves to the Mango trees and to the trampoline. But they are very good about not rebuilding until everyone has gone to bed. You just have to break their webs each morning. It is the little to medium black spiders that run towards you rather than away that you have to worry about. I hate spiders but even I have come to terms with the large orb spiners and St Andrews Cross types.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I was thinking that on the walk to work! HEE!

You're right that the orb weaving types, incl the St Andrews beasties, are somehow just nicer than most other Australian spiders. I think it's that they are so good about accepting the situation once you move them out of the way for the day. They are the labradors of the spider world ;-)

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

Haha. ...but what does it have to do with the porn? Or is porn only supposed to be written between 9 and 10? *confused*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Apparently, opening the door mostly unclothed to a stranger who has come to read a meter is a classic porn scenario. I needed to have this explained to me.

[hanson-phreek.livejournal.com]

I love this little glimpse into your mind. I'd probably have been just as nieve as you were....It's one of the things I love about myself. Thanks for sharing with us!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

HURRAH for other purely nice people!

And the meter man was very proper, too, which was pleasant.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

I replayed and I still don't see anything lewd in it; you said you'd put on clothes. After hours of not getting it, I thought I'd ask.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Apparently loads of porno films start with a workman coming to the door and being greeted by the lady of the house dressed only in a towel or other deshabille. Which neither you nor I would know because we are not the appalling smut fiends my workmates are!