OOOOH!

Back in the days when there were huge budgets, newspapers used to send one journo to the actual political event of the day, and another to the nearest pub, or public lavatory, where they would be very likely to hear the real goss (or pick up a good side story on cottaging).

Sydney airport, five minutes ago, a dignified man who I recognise as a senior Australian Liberal Party figure (not sitting pollie) , and will probably recall his name by the end of the day, stands near me speaking into his phone. I can hear only his side of the conversation: 

'Joe Hockey?!

'Yeah, look he's fine, sure … but as leader?

'Yeah … nah …

'Look, let's just wait till six o'clock before we make any decisions.'

Six is when the polls close, and the blood starts flowing on one side or the other! Oh Aussie politics, stability is just one of your themes, is it? Off to Brissy, the Valentino exhibition, and then in front of the telly for the evening, given there is no colosseum big enough to fit the voters waiting for these blood sports ...

OOOOH!

Back in the days when there were huge budgets, newspapers used to send one journo to the actual political event of the day, and another to the nearest pub, or public lavatory, where they would be very likely to hear the real goss (or pick up a good side story on cottaging).

Sydney airport, five minutes ago, a dignified man who I recognise as a senior Australian Liberal Party figure (not sitting pollie) , and will probably recall his name by the end of the day, stands near me speaking into his phone. I can hear only his side of the conversation: 

'Joe Hockey?!

'Yeah, look he's fine, sure … but as leader?

'Yeah … nah …

'Look, let's just wait till six o'clock before we make any decisions.'

Six is when the polls close, and the blood starts flowing on one side or the other! Oh Aussie politics, stability is just one of your themes, is it? Off to Brissy, the Valentino exhibition, and then in front of the telly for the evening, given there is no colosseum big enough to fit the voters waiting for these blood sports ...

EEEK!

Can't liveblog, too scared!

Though a few moments ago the tally ticker at the bottom of the ABC coverage went from about 69-69 between the ALP and Libs, to 62-70, then to 62-54, without a corresponding rise in the In Doubt seats (it's all speculation on current counts).

'What happened to those other seats?' someone asked.

'It's Tasmania and Western Australia,' I said, 'they've seceded.'

There was a pause. 'Well,' said my friend, 'I'd believe it of WA ...'

EEEK!

Can't liveblog, too scared!

Though a few moments ago the tally ticker at the bottom of the ABC coverage went from about 69-69 between the ALP and Libs, to 62-70, then to 62-54, without a corresponding rise in the In Doubt seats (it's all speculation on current counts).

'What happened to those other seats?' someone asked.

'It's Tasmania and Western Australia,' I said, 'they've seceded.'

There was a pause. 'Well,' said my friend, 'I'd believe it of WA ...'

I HAVE A SOLUTION!

Right. Australia has decided to stride boldly back into the 1950s and is following Britain's lead in electing a hung parliament.

It's not certain yet, but it's looking very likely. But I have a solution!

The ALP will obviously seek to hold onto their two friendly independents, and can make a sincere offer to the Green who has won the seat of Melbourne, so they only need one more person.

Obviously, they should look across the parliament and extend the hand of friendship to one who is their natural compatriot, one who holds many of their values dear, one who would be willing to listen to a friendly voice after years of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous party members.

And it's not as though he would be hard to woo. Give him a good spot on the front bench and he'd shine. He's smart, he's charismatic, he has fabulous hair. In fact, given the inevitable bloodbath that will occur in the Labor caucus after this disaster, why not skip past the bitter recriminations and internecine factional battles and just offer him the top job as an irresistible incentive to change his colours? 

Yes, Australians, you know what I'm saying. Our next Labor Prime Minister -- Malcolm Turnbull.

I HAVE A SOLUTION!

Right. Australia has decided to stride boldly back into the 1950s and is following Britain's lead in electing a hung parliament.

It's not certain yet, but it's looking very likely. But I have a solution!

The ALP will obviously seek to hold onto their two friendly independents, and can make a sincere offer to the Green who has won the seat of Melbourne, so they only need one more person.

Obviously, they should look across the parliament and extend the hand of friendship to one who is their natural compatriot, one who holds many of their values dear, one who would be willing to listen to a friendly voice after years of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous party members.

And it's not as though he would be hard to woo. Give him a good spot on the front bench and he'd shine. He's smart, he's charismatic, he has fabulous hair. In fact, given the inevitable bloodbath that will occur in the Labor caucus after this disaster, why not skip past the bitter recriminations and internecine factional battles and just offer him the top job as an irresistible incentive to change his colours? 

Yes, Australians, you know what I'm saying. Our next Labor Prime Minister -- Malcolm Turnbull.