Bonnie Tyler, fanartist before her time ...

I feel certain that someone – probably Huey or Pie – must have noticed this before. But I was watching music videos in the Turkish pizza shop last night (Shhh! I am too sick to cook!) and I had an epiphany.

The Total Eclipse of the Heart music video is a perfect piece of bad Harry Potter fanfiction.

raitala  and I were discussing it last night and decided that you could easily have a drinking game where you downed one after each bad fanfic trope, if you wanted to be very messy after five minutes. I present to you the evidence: 

0.03 Spooky old school at night = Hogwarts!
0.10 Room full of crystal thingies and flowing scarfy bits = Trelawney tribute!
0.15 Dove animagus!
0.23 Tapestries!
0.28 Full moon = obvious werewolf reference!
0.37 Portentous moment as student arrives at school. Is it Harry?
0.44 No! He has demon glowing eyes! Maybe it's Tom Riddle?
0.50 Exploding doors with billowing curtains, probably from that American young person shop the Twilight kids like.
0.54 Breeze blows into a room, tousling the hair and blowing open the shirts of hot young men. Admit it, you lot would totally have that as a spell if you'd thought of it first.
1.04 Creepy kid holding dove in chair with wings. I feel certain I have seen that as fanart
1.10 Swim team in Speedos, and with someone throwing buckets of water all over them mere seconds later, for the ladies.
1.14 Bonnie in the Great Hall WITH NINJAS. (This school has the best sports!)
1.23 The Bullingdon Club. Natch.
1.34 Fencers! Nothing says British like fencers!
1.37 Gymnasts without many clothes! I'm not complaining.
1.41 I think they're gymnasts in fencing masks ... who knows?
1.50 Epic backlit entrance!
1.55 Inexplicable dancing toughs in leather jackets on a staircase. Doubtless there to commit random acts of violence on our heroes!
2.12 Surprise shirtless gridiron team, because this was written by an American.
2.53 Running across the courtyard with wind blowing dramatically!
2.58 Gratuitous upside-down shirtless gymnast. Again, no complaints.
3.06 Naked wet man. Suspect this is an NC17 fic.
3.08 Bullingdon Club tear up the place, because the Britpicker is good.
3.23 Pretty Fencer boy removes his mask and a stream of gold trails in its wake. Metaphortastic!
3.26 Demon choir appears.
3.32 One of them goes zooming off on invisible broomstick. Or actually is Tom Riddle.
3.45 Gang of wildly under-dressed modern dancers invade school and proceed to cavort wildly.
4.31 RANDOM VEELA! I shit you not.
4.40 Proper School establishing shots.
4.50 Kindly Head Master presents Bonnie to the assembled schoolchildren. NB This was the moment at which raitala  said 'DUDE! Is she supposed to be a TEACHER??!!'  Because it's one thing to have a schoolboy kink if you're just an average thirtysomething, but there are lines.
4.53 Sweet-faced Harryish boy arrives late.
4.58 Kindly Head Master pats sweet boy's head in a total 'I will support you and encourage you and mark you for death' fashion.
5.05 Inappropriate physical contact between Bonnie and hot boy.
5.10 Hot boy now has demon eyes. I think that I have decoded this and it is all a Het Young!McGonagall/Tom Riddle Doomed Romance.
5.18 Hot boy no less scary with non-demon eyes.
5.25 Bonnie left alone with her perm and grey tights at end, while boys run off together in not-so subtle homoerotic subtext.

In the quiet periods above, just assume hordes of cavorting modern dancers or demon choirboys, it's mostly the case.

Bonnie Tyler, fanartist before her time ...

I feel certain that someone – probably Huey or Pie – must have noticed this before. But I was watching music videos in the Turkish pizza shop last night (Shhh! I am too sick to cook!) and I had an epiphany.

The Total Eclipse of the Heart music video is a perfect piece of bad Harry Potter fanfiction.

raitala  and I were discussing it last night and decided that you could easily have a drinking game where you downed one after each bad fanfic trope, if you wanted to be very messy after five minutes. I present to you the evidence: 

0.03 Spooky old school at night = Hogwarts!
0.10 Room full of crystal thingies and flowing scarfy bits = Trelawney tribute!
0.15 Dove animagus!
0.23 Tapestries!
0.28 Full moon = obvious werewolf reference!
0.37 Portentous moment as student arrives at school. Is it Harry?
0.44 No! He has demon glowing eyes! Maybe it's Tom Riddle?
0.50 Exploding doors with billowing curtains, probably from that American young person shop the Twilight kids like.
0.54 Breeze blows into a room, tousling the hair and blowing open the shirts of hot young men. Admit it, you lot would totally have that as a spell if you'd thought of it first.
1.04 Creepy kid holding dove in chair with wings. I feel certain I have seen that as fanart
1.10 Swim team in Speedos, and with someone throwing buckets of water all over them mere seconds later, for the ladies.
1.14 Bonnie in the Great Hall WITH NINJAS. (This school has the best sports!)
1.23 The Bullingdon Club. Natch.
1.34 Fencers! Nothing says British like fencers!
1.37 Gymnasts without many clothes! I'm not complaining.
1.41 I think they're gymnasts in fencing masks ... who knows?
1.50 Epic backlit entrance!
1.55 Inexplicable dancing toughs in leather jackets on a staircase. Doubtless there to commit random acts of violence on our heroes!
2.12 Surprise shirtless gridiron team, because this was written by an American.
2.53 Running across the courtyard with wind blowing dramatically!
2.58 Gratuitous upside-down shirtless gymnast. Again, no complaints.
3.06 Naked wet man. Suspect this is an NC17 fic.
3.08 Bullingdon Club tear up the place, because the Britpicker is good.
3.23 Pretty Fencer boy removes his mask and a stream of gold trails in its wake. Metaphortastic!
3.26 Demon choir appears.
3.32 One of them goes zooming off on invisible broomstick. Or actually is Tom Riddle.
3.45 Gang of wildly under-dressed modern dancers invade school and proceed to cavort wildly.
4.31 RANDOM VEELA! I shit you not.
4.40 Proper School establishing shots.
4.50 Kindly Head Master presents Bonnie to the assembled schoolchildren. NB This was the moment at which raitala  said 'DUDE! Is she supposed to be a TEACHER??!!'  Because it's one thing to have a schoolboy kink if you're just an average thirtysomething, but there are lines.
4.53 Sweet-faced Harryish boy arrives late.
4.58 Kindly Head Master pats sweet boy's head in a total 'I will support you and encourage you and mark you for death' fashion.
5.05 Inappropriate physical contact between Bonnie and hot boy.
5.10 Hot boy now has demon eyes. I think that I have decoded this and it is all a Het Young!McGonagall/Tom Riddle Doomed Romance.
5.18 Hot boy no less scary with non-demon eyes.
5.25 Bonnie left alone with her perm and grey tights at end, while boys run off together in not-so subtle homoerotic subtext.

In the quiet periods above, just assume hordes of cavorting modern dancers or demon choirboys, it's mostly the case.