Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*falls over laughing*

And you made me have to look up this Isambard Kingdom Brunel! Even if I could get it from context. ^_^ I love it when writing makes me do that.

[literalgrl.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha, OMG I love this post. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's boggled by some of the stuff people write. And get excellent reviews on. And I'm sitting there going - ...omg, whut?!

[raedragonstar.livejournal.com]

I can't stop laughing now, thank you.

Don't have any flames to add, but then again, I tend to be very careful in choosing what I read. I avoid things not up to my standards.

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

I'm late to the game but oh this made me smile, having read a very bad fic in the not too distant past. I never flame because of my oft-stated opinions on the fandom as a community but man, does my hubby (who really isn't interested) often hear a good rant about shitty fic.

I loved this: Have you ever actually seen a penis? and yes yes yes! to the complaint that some people think anal sex is exactly the same as vaginal. You know what is very difficult for a virgin to do - climb on top of his boyfriend and impale himself on said bf's cock without any lube and then rock himself to a prostate-rubbing-induced orgasm. That is SO not how first time anal sex goes!!

My biggest rant is probably pet names - if I see Harry call Draco 'angel' one more time, I might scream. It's bad enough that they use them but they use them in every single sentence.

Harry: Oh angel, I never knew what love was until I met you.
Draco: Oh baby, I know. You are my world, love. You have saved me from the darkness and I am yours body and soul.
Harry: Yes! Yes! We are soulmates. It is so clear, angel. My soul cries when we are apart!
Draco: My soul tears and bleeds without you, love.

I read a fic a while back that was a rape fic - summary was all "Draco helps Harry through his emotional recovery after a sexual attack" and I was like "Ooo! Psych-y!" and ugh. Harry was all "You can't love me. I'm dirty, angel, dirty and bad." and Draco was all "No, baby, no. You're not dirty. I love you" (sadly this is no exaggeration) and I barfed and then quickly clicked away from the story. The worst part is, I found it on a rec list that I would have expected more from. *sighs*

And I totally second that if you can't spell their names, you have no business writing about them.

But, much like the hd_inspired squicks, I must confess I saw myself in some of these comments and had moments of deep, deep shame. *is in need of head pets* lol

[fourth_rose]

Oh, brilliant! *applauds wildly*

I hardly ever run into things that would make me want to use one from your list because I'm rather quick with the backbutton, but there's this:

"Okay, you're the greatest poet since the Bard and just one step away from making the sea fall silent and the stones weep with the heart-wrenching beauty of your writing. I GET IT. Can we get on with the story now, please?"

[romaine24.livejournal.com]

I can get through most stories if there's a decent plot. Therefore, the flames I never send are...

For WIPs: Do you have any idea where this story is leading to or do you get off on verbal masturbation?

For Finished stories (not PWPs): Um, maybe a PWP would have been a better route. or *Yawn*

[lilliputian722.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...I have no idea which fic you are referring to, but I sure would love to know what could inspire such thoughts! LMAO!

[anabellhenry.livejournal.com]

Oh God! Thank you for this post. I have three incomplete rants on my computer, all written within the last week concerning crap like this.

My two biggest irritations:

First, I want to know what's up with beta readers. Either authors are pretending their fest fics were read and corrected by beta readers, or else 75% of the beta readers out there should, as you suggest to authors above, turn to accountancy. Gross or no grammar correction, missed spelling errors, ignored lost words, punctuation and bits of sentences, etc. I won't even get into the roll of helpful editor.

Second, (I've actually ranted about this one before, but it really bothers me) why do people complete stories but only post them one chapter at a time? Is it to extend the amount of time an author is in the limelight? Is it because the author assumes we won't read the entire thing if we can't read it in one go? Is it because the author figures we're slow, stupid readers? The practice strikes me as unbelievably arrogant.

Thank you for the opportunity to get that off my chest!

[mabonwitch.livejournal.com]

You're right. You really do need to tell me "Severus' thoughts will be in italics" and "parseltongue in bold", because not only is your writing so muddy I would never get it otherwise, only readers who are IDIOTS would tolerate your story long enough to make it this far.

*headdesk*

[(Anonymous)]

Urm...you said no URLs, but I'd like to point you in the direction of a LJ comm: epic_rants.

Mei

[oddishly.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one of the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

Yes, yes, yes!

I will also add:

'Here, have some punctuation. Also a dictionary. And a thesaurus. And an encyclopaedia or two, because Wikipedia seems to be lying to you.'

'Harry's name is not love, honey, sweetheart or baby - definitely, definitely not baby. Draco's is not Platinum-Orbed, Moonlight-Clad Slytherin. Or Drake, god forbid. Neither goes by the name of Lavender Brown. Please consider amending your summary to LB/LB crack!fic, or send the whole thing to me and I'll happily halve your wordcount.'

[(Anonymous)]

You have awoken my morbid curiosity. A lot. Think you can link me to the horrors? Please.

[sans-pertinence.livejournal.com]

Hmn. *carefully prods possibly explosive post* I suppose I might qualify as a casual reader, having been directed to your journal by a random rec. I'm curious. Have you ever done a fanficrants drive-by? No? That, my friend, is a flame. In constant progress. This is low-level sarcasm.

But since you've got this list here and convenient, how about:

.01 Clarify for me. Are you describing males or females? Because I'm pretty sure my male friends would rather cut their throats than speak or act like twelve-year-old girls.

.02 *cue Inigo 'hello, my name is' Montoya*: I do not think that means what you think it means.

.03 Sanzo Genjyo does not converse in fangirl Japanese. Ever.

.04 Many people can and do have sex without screaming each other's names, begging for more, declaring undying love, etc. No, really.

Sorry about the fandom-specific one. Most of my fandoms are anime-based, and those spawn ten times the badfic that HP does. But since you're an H/D fan, allow me to top off this spleen-venting with a line that prompted a rant which had many people of both sexes clutching the lower portions of their anatomy in protective response. It's not quite your Have you even seen a penis?--but close enough for government work.

"Harry slid his member into Malfoy's testicular cavity."

Oh, the bad. It kills.

[animeartistjo.livejournal.com]

You remind me why I stay far, far, faaaar away from ff.net.

I remember reading fic in which the author loved to put commas and periods in the most random of places and others in which the entire fic consisted of fragments.

Description and detail is lovely, but I rather doubt Harry would spend over 10 sentences considering Draco's beauty. When I see paragraphs inches in length beginning with the words, "His eyes/hair/face/part of body...", I weep at the sheer agony.

Also, people, ever heard of a thesaurus? I understand that you may have a strange addiction to a certain word (perhaps you think it makes you sound clever?), but seeing "great" or "said" used a thousand times in ONE chapter is just poor writing. Helpful hint, it's shift+F7 in Word.

My last item of ire: eyes. They are eyes, not orbs. They are a part of the human body, not a dessert: chocolate colored they may be, but "melting chocolate orbs" they are not, unless you are writing an extremely odd horror story.

Ahhhhh--that made me feel much better! Thank you for this opportunity!

[drgaellon]

I have only four words for you.

The Eye of Argon

When you're done clawing out your eyeballs, I'll be hiding somewhere far away from you. :D

[spark-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

Seriously, now I want to read these fics! :craves the badness: Esp the 'have you seen a penis' and the 'you can't have sex like that' ones. Just... I started at FF.net you know? :g: I've read a heap of really bad stuff but this still sounds hilariously can't-believe-it-can-be-that-bad :lol:

[shoeboxer4life.livejournal.com]

Yikes. This takes me back to the days I trolled for fic on fan sites before I discovered I was, like, 4 years behind the curve with LJ.

OKAY: Please end your story when the plotline ends. Do not go on for another 10k because you can't say goodbye to your characters! Even good authors have been guilty of this.

When people wank/mastrubate/whatever, they do not usually utter their object-of-desire's name upon coming. Or am I just out of the loop on that? Why do all wank/voyuer fics have the wanker calling out a name?

Just all the first time double/simultaneous orgasm sex kind of wear on me. Esp. between 17 year old virgins. Come on. Have you ever had sex with a 17 year old virgin? Did you both miraculously come at the same moment? Didn't think so.

Extremely OOC (except deliberate fanon/crack). Did you read the books? What makes you think a main character member of the Order andor a friend of Harry's would become a dark, jealous, betraying bitch?

Why do writers write "minute" when they mean "moment?" A minute is actually a long time in certain contexts.

Oh please, oh please, show, don't tell!

There's more, of course, but it's late. Thanks for letting us rant! I read but don't write fan fic, so I shouldn't complain.