Flames I have not written ...
Jun. 23rd, 2008 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blamebramptonThere have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 02:43 pm (UTC)I loved this: Have you ever actually seen a penis? and yes yes yes! to the complaint that some people think anal sex is exactly the same as vaginal. You know what is very difficult for a virgin to do - climb on top of his boyfriend and impale himself on said bf's cock without any lube and then rock himself to a prostate-rubbing-induced orgasm. That is SO not how first time anal sex goes!!
My biggest rant is probably pet names - if I see Harry call Draco 'angel' one more time, I might scream. It's bad enough that they use them but they use them in every single sentence.
Harry: Oh angel, I never knew what love was until I met you.
Draco: Oh baby, I know. You are my world, love. You have saved me from the darkness and I am yours body and soul.
Harry: Yes! Yes! We are soulmates. It is so clear, angel. My soul cries when we are apart!
Draco: My soul tears and bleeds without you, love.
I read a fic a while back that was a rape fic - summary was all "Draco helps Harry through his emotional recovery after a sexual attack" and I was like "Ooo! Psych-y!" and ugh. Harry was all "You can't love me. I'm dirty, angel, dirty and bad." and Draco was all "No, baby, no. You're not dirty. I love you" (sadly this is no exaggeration) and I barfed and then quickly clicked away from the story. The worst part is, I found it on a rec list that I would have expected more from. *sighs*
And I totally second that if you can't spell their names, you have no business writing about them.
But, much like the hd_inspired squicks, I must confess I saw myself in some of these comments and had moments of deep, deep shame. *is in need of head pets* lol
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 03:08 pm (UTC)God the pet names! Another one I wholly forgot! You are SO right. And that fic sounds ... dreadful ...