Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Your magnificent Slytherinity is showing through ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Ooh! What's it called? I watched The Hidden History of Homosexual Australia last year, which I loved, and saw my mother. V excited!

I think one should be free to write badly at any time. Just not to think that one is a misunderstood genius when one's bad fic is not lauded ...

[kayleigh-jane.livejournal.com]

Greek names in HP? Andromeda, Narcissa, Nymphadora all have Greek roots. The first two are even from Homer. Most of the other names have a Latin base. /pointless knowledge :D

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

True, but more looking for surnames to indicate nationality. Though the Greeks were originally light-haired ...

[valkyrieblades.livejournal.com]

Haha, I completely love you. :)

I think the thing that bugs me the most is when the author has the male HP characters cry excessively. Or "a single tear" trails down their cheek in every other chapter. We saw Draco cry ONCE in seven books of canon, but that was under extreme circumstances and he tried to hide it. Harry doesn't usually get weepy - he gets angry and breaks shiny things. And Snape? The man lives for terrorizing little first year Hufflepuffs and making *them* cry. o_O

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

*cough* Istanbul was with its beautiful lack thereof *cough*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Sob! Send me your share!

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

I would if I could! :)

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one of the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

*collapses laughing*

I want to make that one my default icon.

I would also have added:

* Possibly every gay couple flips a coin on the first date to see who gets to be Snarling Top and who gets to be Pleading Bottom. Or on the other hand, possibly gay relationships are at least as complex as straight ones. What do you think?

* Write this down. Men do not routinely communicate emotional distress by public displays of tears. If they did, then brawling, alcohol, sex and football might never have been invented.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! That's another I forgot. I'm all for having a good quick cry now and then, but it's a moment that is then past and done with when you're talking about boys, and no one had best talk about it afterwards!

Just to explain the grammar of that sentence, my kitten is sitting on my shoulder, which would be sweet, were she not farting ...

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Yeah but I had to get a permit for that one.

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I see. Thanks for explaining.

400 comments seem like an awful lot. The number alone looks overwhelming. But maybe there's a price to everything, isn't it?

For me, there is a difference between a post in a fest and one in an individual journal. In a journal, I can look at the authors responding habits and decide if I want to leave feedback. If they don't care for feedback, I'm fine with that. In a fest - not so much, because I don't want to wait with the comments after the authors are revealed.

I don't want to stop commenting, because a comment, to me, makes the difference between seeing a fic and the author behind it or simply consuming the story without any acknowledgment. Leaving no feedback doesn't make me happy, because I feel that I've been cheating the author of some part of the fanish exchange.

So, altogether? I guess I rather go on as before and learn to shrug off those non-responders as impolite. It's not in their power to spoil the fun. :-)

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

[*rifles in dvds*]
exposed: the making of a legend

someday i will also own buckleroos which is the movie it's about. "it's a love story. with a lot of porn."

(this icon is from a screen grab)

and it doesn't matter what anyone does, no one should run around thinking they are a misunderstood genius. it's just annoying.

i did get your email and printed it out and intended to peruse and left it at work [*headdesk*] you are a gem sweets

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You're a good soul!

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Here's a thought: explicit sex is not required in all stories. Please embrace this notion.

Not all stories: just mine. :)

*sorry, can't help it if my H/D are sex fiends!*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You write sex that hurts neither the participants or the readers, though! Well, maybe the occasional good hurt ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome. And no, the Leeds tourism board does not pay me, I just think it is the city everyone should visit after London, but hardly anyone does!

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Or just stubborn. *g*

<3

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

One of the very first exchanges I had with shiv5468 involved a lament about Draco shopping at Target (American discount department store, sometimes referred to in its Frenchified form as "Tarjay").

My biggest rant:

*"The blond" and "the brunet" are strangers to each other, not your protagonists who've known each other for years. The same goes for "the Gryffindor" and "the Slytherin."

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, perhaps not in my recent fics.. my older ones are pretty painful to read! :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It's a terribly long icon ...

Do you mean you don't flip coins with your partners to see gets to be on top? Actually, I lie, with the state of our knees lately we flip for having a nice rest.

And I think we need to find YouTube clips of men crying. It's either a few quick tears very privately with a "You did not see that, it did not happen", or a good bawl, which is never spoken of again and which is followed up by a game of football, a fight, or alcohol and sex.

James and I knew we were perfect for each other when we were both there for each others first death during the relationship. We both go quiet. Have a little tear. Get patted on the knee, maybe a hug. Make jokes.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Though now they have Stella ...

You know, that was one of the first things you muttered to me about in fandom; I think it is the reason my wordles are filled with giant proper names ... wouldn't have it any other way!

And you reminded me of another I forgot: they're fifty, and still referring to each other's school houses. Not only have I forgotten half the houses I belonged to over the years, I've forgotten several of the schools!

[corpus-delecti.livejournal.com]

Damn. And here I was trying to be all subtle.

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

LOL...

Killer sex, dahling!

You know when your penis starts casting Unforgivables it's going to be a long time between nooky sessions.

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

Oh, no ... I meant those that write otherwise decent stories, but then add in cringe-worthy sex. Uninspired, nearly impossible, or just ... really bad sex scenes. Those are the ones I mean. :)