Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i've written some v. v. bad stuff when i was younger, so i tend to forgive all bad fic (which doesn't mean i want to read it, but still). your list did make me smile, though. please forgive the poor younguns who are losing their language to txt'ing (look i used an apostrophe in a way that makes F crazy). and actually, a whole heap of authors have not seen a penis and an even bigger batch have never seen an uncircumcised one. and a for a few of us it's been so long since we've seen one we can't quite remember what they do. have pity on us.

and yes, i am exceedingly worried about all the ev!L women in slash stories. it makes me hurt for the writer and wonder if they cat fight with other women, or are always in fear that they are a threat to them. and yes i know it's a story, but it's their story.

[*pets the authors of bad stories but doesn't read their stuff*]

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

That's why I would never post an actual flame, because someone who you had written off as a drunk British thirtysomething with issues could well turn out to be a 15-year-old American who has researched like a bastard but who actually hasn't ever seen a penis, and who has a lot of potential if only she is left room to grow.

But I still have the rants play in my head, because I am evil. If I was in a slash story I would probably break up the boys and then start a terrible religion that kept them far apart. While wearing lots of make-up and owning too many cats.

I am told there are photos of penii on the internet ;-)

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i hear that too, but i have brought moving pics into my home. i have a fabulous documentary made by a lesbian about an award winning gay porno. it's fabulous. saw it at the gay and lesbian film fest and immediately bought it from amazon. :D

ironically, some of my worst writing i wrote as at 35, but it was really my inner teen spreading her wings. once she practiced a bit, my adult got a chance to write too. [*grins*]

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Ooh! What's it called? I watched The Hidden History of Homosexual Australia last year, which I loved, and saw my mother. V excited!

I think one should be free to write badly at any time. Just not to think that one is a misunderstood genius when one's bad fic is not lauded ...

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

[*rifles in dvds*]
exposed: the making of a legend

someday i will also own buckleroos which is the movie it's about. "it's a love story. with a lot of porn."

(this icon is from a screen grab)

and it doesn't matter what anyone does, no one should run around thinking they are a misunderstood genius. it's just annoying.

i did get your email and printed it out and intended to peruse and left it at work [*headdesk*] you are a gem sweets

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome. And no, the Leeds tourism board does not pay me, I just think it is the city everyone should visit after London, but hardly anyone does!

[drgaellon]

Both parts of Buckleroos are available from Gay-Torrents.net right now... would you like an invite? :) Email me if you do.

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

eeeek! i'm all torn, i'd love to have it, but i hate downloading copyright material, but i'd love to have it, but [*squashes down moral code*] maybe i'll get you to send my an invite just in case. [*wibbles*]