Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[empress-jae.livejournal.com]

Have you ever actually seen a penis?

oh my god, i can't even count how many times i've asked that question while reading ba...uh, fic that is not up to my apparently high standards of quality. either that question or, "you do know an anus is NOT a vagina, right? there are no moist folds back there."

[kestrelsparhawk.livejournal.com]

I couldn't possibly compete. But I LOVE yours -- particularly since they're not actually attached to those poor fics...

"Unless you are an elephant, in which case you missed an animagus scene."

*snrk*

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

I love you!

OMG! You're on my flist, you've seen my snark. I agree - I'd rather do it in private than hurt someone. I'm not infallible, and make many mistakes in my own writing. People put a lot of their heart into what they write, be they good or bad. So who am I to rip their little world down around their ears.

But, YES! Sometimes you just want to grab them by the ears and go 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?'

What gets me even more is when I find a fic (ie., my recent post) that boggles my poor little brain, and then see writers that I actually have a reasonable amount of time for commenting on the same fic as raving about how good it is. Then I start to wonder what's going on in the universe, or whether I'm just a picky bitch and should give up.

But... on with the rants, as you have so kindly opened up the invitation.

* You DO NOT own Draco Malfoy, and despite some amusing fanon interpretations to the contrary, he is NOT a mincing, whining, girl in leather pants, and if he was (crack!fic aside), Harry would NEVER want to have sex with him. There are limits!

* Two penises cannot fit in there together if the men possessing those penises are standing side by side. It just doesn't work that way... please see some basic anatomy books and start again.

* Lube... for god's sake, please remember the lube. I'll even accept a spell, or saliva, if you're generous.

* I'm no expert, but you might want to reconsider those 'English as a second language' courses, because it certainly doesn't appear to come naturally to you.

* They're called 'tenses' - please research and apply.

* 35k words of plotty fic where Harry and Draco only start actually talking to each other in the last 5k words? May be an excellent story, but it is NOT a H/D fic.

* Necessity may be the mother of invention, but was it really necessary to invent new words? The English language has a lot of them already, and it's hard to believe you weren't able to find something to fit.

* Are Gay boys really THAT MUCH more sensitive than straight boys? I've touched a few, and I've yet to see one really moan just because someone ran a finger down their neck, or stomach... yes, I get that their passion is SO MUCH more passionate than anyone else's, but, okay, have you actually ever touched a boy?

* Screaming is loud, screaming is extreme... it's not a normal consequence of the average orgasm, or penetration (unless you forgot to look at my comment on Lube). Cry out, moan loudly, shout even... but scream? Someone's been doing too many method acting classes, I feel.

* Unless your character has fingers the size of Danish salamis, single digit penetration generally is NOT painful. Especially with lube (yaye lube). It can be a shock, invasive, uncomfortable, but pain, not so much. You might try it for research purposes - remember the lube. ;)

Hmmm, I do seem to like occupying large spaces in your comments list. (Kai sends a tummy pummel for good measure)

[lalaith-niniel.livejournal.com]

Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

I think I love you. I've wished I could take away the internet from so many people. Instead, I just have to his the back button.

As for sex scenes, I figure if I start craning my neck trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together as described, I really should be skipping it.

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside?
I haven't felt the urge to rant about badfic since I decided I was going to use my back button if the first three paragraphs fail to wow me. Now if you had been asking about meta...

No, wait, I just thought of one I see in headers and it drives me fucking bananas (or possibly pineapples if bananas are too politically incorrect), especially now, because I have just spotted an instance of it in a Discworld book (NOT COOL, PTERRY-OR-HAPLESS-EDITOR-OR-CARELESS-PRINTER. NOT COOL.):

The apostrophe is not used to denote past tense or plural. Nothing is beta'd; it is betaed or beta-read. A case can be made that the apostrophe is showing omission as in "KO'd" to avoid an awkward-looking pseudo-word, but in most of these instances it's obviously being used to denote past tense, which is wrong. (i.e. there's a clear difference between breaking the rules knowingly and being a punctuation ignoramus (or apostrophetically challenged, if that's more PC). This difference usually shows up in those all-important first three paragraphs, too.) Also, if one has beta's, then one's betas need to be fired (but not fire'd).

...I've also noticed that the older I get, the more defensive I grow of the apostrophe. I should join the Apostrophe Protection Society, for srs.

However, Have you ever actually seen a penis? never ever gets old.

[potteresque_ire]

I would be happy to receive flames that are as well written and full of delicious snark as those in this list. LOL. :) Sometimes I read MSTs for badfics, but I haven't found ones I really enjoy ... and I think the only worse thing than a flame is a poorly written flame...I feel embarrassed for the complainer :).

Insofar I haven't generated much mental flames - I don't feel confident enough about my knowledge of what good fics should be like, but the stories that make me hit the back button usually have this element:

Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first.

[aunt-agatha.livejournal.com]

I too would like to propose marriage. Your list is beautiful.

Also, I would like to rant, yes. I won't, but I'd sure like to. Mostly about lj being like high school around some parts. *eyeroll* /pseudo-rant

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. :D

[deensey.livejournal.com]

Please, please stop being so florid in your descriptions of sex. No part of the body should bloom.

[nqdonne.livejournal.com]

LOL. I love you. Let's see... I think you covered them all. The only one missing that crosses my mind sometimes is:

** Please stop affecting style. Write in the style which comes naturally to you. And if that which comes naturally isn't very good... Well. Don't write.

:P :P :P (I think that with regard to journalism, too. Some of the people I had to deal with on the school newspaper and in class were RUBBISH at feature writing and criticism)

[corpus-delecti.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh so hard.

It also filled me with the morbid desire to actually read these fics. Yeah... some people rubberneck to look at car crashes. I read terribly written fanfiction. It's a thing. I'm working on it.

On the topic of flames, as a whole... I think that people take the internet way too seriously. I mean, you are dealing with real people, with real emotions, which you do have to take into account. But honestly, when you really think about it, does anyone really care about what someone they will never meet, never see, or even be in the same city with thinks about them?

Not to spout the whole "why can't we all get along?" line, but... if we can't all get along... why can't we just leave each other alone?

[blindmouse.livejournal.com]

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

Oh, that one, all the time. I realise that the easiest plot device for a breakup is for one half of the couple to be awful (I remember a line from P. G. Wodehouse's notes on Sunset at Blandings to the effect of: Unless B will in fact end up with X rather than Y. This will make Y some species of rotter.), and I mourn for originality but still, whatever. But the sheer anger of some writers at the girls getting in the way of their slash pairings ... it makes me want to cry. And shake them, obviously, lots.

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

*blinks* You give me the worst bunnies, seriously!

[luthien82]

It's weird that I actually wanted to do a similar post like that too. So I just dump my complaints here:

* Writing angst doesn't mean you have to throw every physical and psychological pain available on this planet at the character. It's not a shopping list.

* Letting the second character declare his love out of the blue without prior indication that those two have even looked at each other like that while the first character is still struggling with a coma resulted by all the aforementioned shopping list trauma only hurts your audience. It's not called Hurt/Comfort for that.

* Just because you can doesn't mean you HAVE TO fulfill every cliché available. Again, it's not a friggin' shopping list!

* Has anyone ever told you that you CAN'T WRITE??? How anyone would publish you is beyond me.

* Also: if you have the need to write slave fic, kindly get your history straight before you do? Reading slave fic in modern USA as if it's the most natural thing just leaves a sore taste in your mouth considering the past.

For the record: none of this is related to HP fandom (though I'm sure it could be if I search hard enough...)

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i've written some v. v. bad stuff when i was younger, so i tend to forgive all bad fic (which doesn't mean i want to read it, but still). your list did make me smile, though. please forgive the poor younguns who are losing their language to txt'ing (look i used an apostrophe in a way that makes F crazy). and actually, a whole heap of authors have not seen a penis and an even bigger batch have never seen an uncircumcised one. and a for a few of us it's been so long since we've seen one we can't quite remember what they do. have pity on us.

and yes, i am exceedingly worried about all the ev!L women in slash stories. it makes me hurt for the writer and wonder if they cat fight with other women, or are always in fear that they are a threat to them. and yes i know it's a story, but it's their story.

[*pets the authors of bad stories but doesn't read their stuff*]

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Your list is too funny. Even more so, because I just deleted/delayed a little rant I wrote yesterday. So, here it is, in short:

* If someone writes a review to your latest story, why can't you find the time (in the next two months or so) to at least type "thank you" in a comment box and click on the send button?

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

Wonderful list/rant, dear. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The only thing I'll add is this:

I see that many people have offered to beta read for you, because you do have a great story idea here. WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOMEONE YET? Cause it's obvious that you haven't, and if you have, FIRE THEM AND GET SOMEONE ELSE. Sorry, but I can't read your story any further until you do.

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

I ♥ you! Especially the last comment, which covers so much.

My additions:

* Comma, meet author. Author, meet comma.

* Here's a thought: explicit sex is not required in all stories. Please embrace this notion.

* Big words do not make you sound smart if they are used incorrectly. May I suggest a dictionary?

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. No fics to rant about, but reading your ranting sure is amusing. :)

[meri-oddities.livejournal.com]

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

*snort* I have thought that so many times. Very good list. Made me smile this morning. *g*

[valkyrieblades.livejournal.com]

Haha, I completely love you. :)

I think the thing that bugs me the most is when the author has the male HP characters cry excessively. Or "a single tear" trails down their cheek in every other chapter. We saw Draco cry ONCE in seven books of canon, but that was under extreme circumstances and he tried to hide it. Harry doesn't usually get weepy - he gets angry and breaks shiny things. And Snape? The man lives for terrorizing little first year Hufflepuffs and making *them* cry. o_O

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one of the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

*collapses laughing*

I want to make that one my default icon.

I would also have added:

* Possibly every gay couple flips a coin on the first date to see who gets to be Snarling Top and who gets to be Pleading Bottom. Or on the other hand, possibly gay relationships are at least as complex as straight ones. What do you think?

* Write this down. Men do not routinely communicate emotional distress by public displays of tears. If they did, then brawling, alcohol, sex and football might never have been invented.

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

One of the very first exchanges I had with shiv5468 involved a lament about Draco shopping at Target (American discount department store, sometimes referred to in its Frenchified form as "Tarjay").

My biggest rant:

*"The blond" and "the brunet" are strangers to each other, not your protagonists who've known each other for years. The same goes for "the Gryffindor" and "the Slytherin."

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha!!! I love these! It's so hard to hold back over extended periods of time.

I'd like to add some art related thoughts I've never typed:

* Have you ever seen a real naked man? Please sign up for life drawing before you post again.

* Cuteness is like pink walls in institutional settings. Psychological tests confirm it only soothes for a short amount of time, then it makes people violent.

[sassy-cissa.livejournal.com]

I actually said to someone online last night - regarding a fic I was reading:

and might I suggest a beta who SPEAKS THE FRICKING LANGUAGE AND KNOWS THAT A PERIOD GOES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE!!!!!
For the love of god - do you not realize you suck? Please do us all a favor and stop posting.

Harsh, I know - but so fitting of what I was reading.

I only hope people don't say the same about me.

[miriravan.livejournal.com]

I love this list, mostly because I, too, have flames (many of them quite similar to several of your own) playing in my head, but I don't actually post them. Because, honestly, what would be the point?

But the one that immediately makes me froth at the mouth:

* If you cannot spell the character's name, you should not be writing fiction about him/her.

I know it's usually sloppy proofreading, but it drives me completely insane.