Flames I have not written ...
Jun. 23rd, 2008 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 04:00 am (UTC)OMG! You're on my flist, you've seen my snark. I agree - I'd rather do it in private than hurt someone. I'm not infallible, and make many mistakes in my own writing. People put a lot of their heart into what they write, be they good or bad. So who am I to rip their little world down around their ears.
But, YES! Sometimes you just want to grab them by the ears and go 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?'
What gets me even more is when I find a fic (ie., my recent post) that boggles my poor little brain, and then see writers that I actually have a reasonable amount of time for commenting on the same fic as raving about how good it is. Then I start to wonder what's going on in the universe, or whether I'm just a picky bitch and should give up.
But... on with the rants, as you have so kindly opened up the invitation.
* You DO NOT own Draco Malfoy, and despite some amusing fanon interpretations to the contrary, he is NOT a mincing, whining, girl in leather pants, and if he was (crack!fic aside), Harry would NEVER want to have sex with him. There are limits!
* Two penises cannot fit in there together if the men possessing those penises are standing side by side. It just doesn't work that way... please see some basic anatomy books and start again.
* Lube... for god's sake, please remember the lube. I'll even accept a spell, or saliva, if you're generous.
* I'm no expert, but you might want to reconsider those 'English as a second language' courses, because it certainly doesn't appear to come naturally to you.
* They're called 'tenses' - please research and apply.
* 35k words of plotty fic where Harry and Draco only start actually talking to each other in the last 5k words? May be an excellent story, but it is NOT a H/D fic.
* Necessity may be the mother of invention, but was it really necessary to invent new words? The English language has a lot of them already, and it's hard to believe you weren't able to find something to fit.
* Are Gay boys really THAT MUCH more sensitive than straight boys? I've touched a few, and I've yet to see one really moan just because someone ran a finger down their neck, or stomach... yes, I get that their passion is SO MUCH more passionate than anyone else's, but, okay, have you actually ever touched a boy?
* Screaming is loud, screaming is extreme... it's not a normal consequence of the average orgasm, or penetration (unless you forgot to look at my comment on Lube). Cry out, moan loudly, shout even... but scream? Someone's been doing too many method acting classes, I feel.
* Unless your character has fingers the size of Danish salamis, single digit penetration generally is NOT painful. Especially with lube (yaye lube). It can be a shock, invasive, uncomfortable, but pain, not so much. You might try it for research purposes - remember the lube. ;)
Hmmm, I do seem to like occupying large spaces in your comments list. (Kai sends a tummy pummel for good measure)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 06:17 am (UTC)So I guess the pairing wasn't Hagrid/Flitwick? :P
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 06:24 am (UTC)It always fascinates me how some writers are obsessed with the whole 'it must hurt first' approach to anal sex. I'm not anti-hurt, I just prefer it to be plausible. ;)
And when it goes in one scene from a single finger causing pain to everything short of (and occasional including) double penetration... *rolls eyes*
Oh, I am too fussy. *heavy sigh*
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 06:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:30 am (UTC)Bless you, bless you for the lube.
Monster sends an ear nibble, she's running out of lobe on mine ...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:58 am (UTC)I've been put on notice by Kai that I am not allowed to lose weight, because then my bulgy tummy wouldn't bounce so nicely.
*offer Monster a serious back of the neck scritch*
(btw, I'm still working on my bad teen fiction... >.> )
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 10:18 am (UTC)Yes, oh yes! Would it not be somewhat disconcerting if your partner broke out screaming - if not for you, then at least for the neighbours? Your brain would be asking Is it me? Did I accidentally case the Cruciatus with my cock??
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 11:30 am (UTC)Killer sex, dahling!
You know when your penis starts casting Unforgivables it's going to be a long time between nooky sessions.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-28 08:12 pm (UTC)I just creeped myself out.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-30 12:08 am (UTC)Even better, try some gay porn. XTube works very nicely... I'll even offer you an invite to join Gay-Torrents if you need one.
Here I must disagree. It's not always absolutely necessary, if the top is not monstrously sized and the bottom is... sufficiently experienced. (This is one of the places where straight girls writing gay porn get it wrong.)
Context. A passing brush, especially by someone not my partner, may not elicit a moan; a similar touch when employed by my boyfriend during foreplay might.
See icon.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-30 12:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-30 01:43 am (UTC)