Flames I have not written ...
Jun. 23rd, 2008 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blamebramptonThere have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 04:11 am (UTC)I haven't felt the urge to rant about badfic since I decided I was going to use my back button if the first three paragraphs fail to wow me. Now if you had been asking about meta...
No, wait, I just thought of one I see in headers and it drives me fucking bananas (or possibly pineapples if bananas are too politically incorrect), especially now, because I have just spotted an instance of it in a Discworld book (NOT COOL, PTERRY-OR-HAPLESS-EDITOR-OR-CARELESS-PRINTER. NOT COOL.):
The apostrophe is not used to denote past tense or plural. Nothing is beta'd; it is betaed or beta-read. A case can be made that the apostrophe is showing omission as in "KO'd" to avoid an awkward-looking pseudo-word, but in most of these instances it's obviously being used to denote past tense, which is wrong. (i.e. there's a clear difference between breaking the rules knowingly and being a punctuation ignoramus (or apostrophetically challenged, if that's more PC). This difference usually shows up in those all-important first three paragraphs, too.) Also, if one has beta's, then one's betas need to be fired (but not fire'd).
...I've also noticed that the older I get, the more defensive I grow of the apostrophe. I should join the Apostrophe Protection Society, for srs.
However, Have you ever actually seen a penis? never ever gets old.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 04:50 am (UTC)*looks hopeful*
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Date: 2008-06-23 04:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 05:27 am (UTC)*giggles*
You evol pineapplematrix!
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Date: 2008-06-30 12:10 am (UTC)Sorry, I had a weird moment...
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Date: 2008-06-23 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 09:46 am (UTC)I have usually been good about avoiding badfic, though I did slave all the way through one WIP that started promisingly, went horribly off the rails in the middle, had a brief return of goodness, then ended with the boys turning into girls and everyone joined hands and danced around in a fairy circle. The fuckers.
I could possibly come at beta'd in a poetic context, as per belov'd, but yes. Poor apostrophe. What did it do to deserve such casual abuse?
I am contemplating putting together an emergency package of penii for the unfamiliar. I think a range of colours, sizes, foreskins ...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:20 pm (UTC)In a nutshell, Slytherins are neither cool nor awesome just because they wear green and live in a dungeon. Also, judging from the families represented, they're clearly the conservative group, so them starting Student Revolutions OMG! and being into alternative lifestyles en masse is a little hard to swallow if one's actually paid attention to the HP books. But really I could go on forever, especially about Snape-as-misunderstood-woobie-who's-really-fluffy-on-the-inside. Or automagically-homophobic!Ron and why it Makes So Much Sense. Grargh.
boys turning into girls
People always complain that there's not enough femmeslash in HP, but I actually think there's a LOT of femmeslash in HP, it's just most of it tries to call itself slash by cleverly attaching penii (penises??) to the women.
Speaking of foreskins, I remember there was once this fic somewhere (AFF.net? Probably.) where Seamus (or Colin?) combed through Harry's foreskin with his fingers, which, ow, and then the author described how black and wiry the foreskin was. At that point I realised we were dealing with a case of mistaken foreskin identity but I've given up on ever being rid of the mental image. D:
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:29 pm (UTC)Ron is one of the least likely to homophobic characters in canon. Not only is there his gay uncle and clearly gay brother Charlie (dedicated dragon keeper is code, I tell you!), but his whole family ethos is about acceptance. They may be poor, but they are genteel and well-bred poor. Loads of confirmed bachelors in that family.
Snape as woobie is hysterical!
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Date: 2008-06-30 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-30 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 03:48 am (UTC)