blamebrampton (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blamebrampton) wrote2008-06-23 01:10 pm
blamebrampton) wrote2008-06-23 01:10 pm
Flames I have not written ...
There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
no subject
*collapses laughing*
I want to make that one my default icon.
I would also have added:
* Possibly every gay couple flips a coin on the first date to see who gets to be Snarling Top and who gets to be Pleading Bottom. Or on the other hand, possibly gay relationships are at least as complex as straight ones. What do you think?
* Write this down. Men do not routinely communicate emotional distress by public displays of tears. If they did, then brawling, alcohol, sex and football might never have been invented.
no subject
Do you mean you don't flip coins with your partners to see gets to be on top? Actually, I lie, with the state of our knees lately we flip for having a nice rest.
And I think we need to find YouTube clips of men crying. It's either a few quick tears very privately with a "You did not see that, it did not happen", or a good bawl, which is never spoken of again and which is followed up by a game of football, a fight, or alcohol and sex.
James and I knew we were perfect for each other when we were both there for each others first death during the relationship. We both go quiet. Have a little tear. Get patted on the knee, maybe a hug. Make jokes.
no subject
I prefer to allocate sexual positions according to a roster which is aligned to the AFL calendar (oho! you should see the fireworks then Collingwood have a home game ...)
I have actually seen men cry, once or twice, but it's massively awkward and - as you say - never spoken of again. And it usually takes something more than unrequited love to make them do it in company - in my experience anyway.
Black humour is the cement of any good relationship, isn't it?
no subject
I can see the AFL thing. Another reason to like Collingwood ...
I'll never forget the first time I saw my father cry, it was as though there were fewer certainties in the world. Though comedy worked to cheer him back up. The funny thing was that with tears on his cheeks, he made no acknowledgment of the fact that he was crying, nor that I could obviously see it.
But yes, for him, for J, for my grandfathers and my good male friends, it is severe pain, death and truly horrible things (Rabin's assassination being one) that have made the eyes mist over. Not having a tanty.
I did have a boyfriend who used to cry a fair bit; he was the ALP tosser. IT WAS A SIGN, if only I had been sober enough to spot it before I wasted so much time.
Without black humour, I would have no relationships, as I wouldn't have anyone I could really talk to.
no subject
The only safe place for men to cry is in slash fiction, where they're free to launch into tearful declarations of love at any given moment. ;)
no subject
Oh no, they are not safe there, not safe from my wrathful reviews, my resentful glare, my venemous hiss of "out of character!".
no subject
no subject
no subject
That being said, I know a number of couples where the personality-dominant partner is the sexually-receptive. "Fuckee" does not automatically mean "submissive," and that is, indeed, lazy thinking.
no subject
Ha! I must be a crazy person, because I would totally read that! I mean, I love the whole "two hot blokes having flawless sex in a strange nether-world where bumholes smell like cinnamon and there's no such thing as rectal tearing", but there's only so much of that unreality you can read and it's nice sometimes to have a dose of clumsy realism.
This is from Skinny Dipping by Icarus, an old favourite of mine:
Harry felt a pleasant blunt warmth against his arse, and then a gentle pressure. But it was huge! What was that, his elbow? His knee? Harry glanced back and saw that it couldn't be either.
Oh God. Harry set his jaw and braced himself.
Nothing could have prepared him for this. Harry yelped as a searing heat he could feel to the back of his throat split him open; he was spitted. "Ow! Stop! Stop!" He shook.
Percy paused, shock in his voice. "But I'm hardly even in."
"Getoutgetoutgetout!"
Percy finally came to his senses and - slowly, very gently - pulled out. Harry could tell from his motion that it was maybe an inch. But it was the longest inch in the world.
Harry panted, his eyes wild.
"My... I'm so sorry." Percy blinked at him, still stunned. "Are - are you all right?" His hands brushed Harry's face. His voice reeled between worry and disappointment.
And "The Ol' Switcharoo" by Aspen (locked unfortunately) features a similar Harry/Draco moment - and despite that clumsiness or even because of it, it's one my all time hottest reads.
Anyway, no idea if any of that is to your tastes, but that sort of fic just happens to be a secret fondness of mine. :-)
no subject