Charlie Weasley: Bunbury? and where's Father's at?

[blamebrampton]

bryoneybrynn will probably beat me for this, but here are some notes from her proofread of Beneath Boundless Skies, NB she titled her email "Here, Harry, drink this while I tell you what we do to stay warm in Romania":

Harry sat at the DA table this time. Charlie had come up to Hogwarts again (of course he did), and sat between Harry and Ron (OF COURSE he did! Squeezed in real close to Harry I’m sure…). He brought a full bottle of the dark Romanian liquor (to liquor our young virgin hero up, no doubt), and when it was finished, Neville supplied something herbal and devastating. They were well into their cups when Ron groaned "Australia!" again.
...

Charlie broke the silence. "Bloody hell, Harry, what's wrong with Majorca? Or Romania for that matter?"  Hee! You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?

Now, having looked at quite a bit of fic lately, it occurs to me that Bryoney is not alone in her fetishisation of Charlie Weasley. Whenever fandom needs a handy shagmonster/object of desire/voice of reason, Charlie seems to be the number one choice. Cal's done it, Maya's done it, nqdonne does it all the time, hell, I've even done it. A bit. I hesitate to say deus ex machina, because there is enough of the godlike Weasley out there already, so let us ponder instead the possibility that he is the Bunbury of fandom. A hot, dragon taming Bunbury ...

And before we go any further VERY VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAYS to meredyth_13, frayach and furiosity! The three of you really do improve the world in so very many ways!

In other news, I received a lovely reminder today that I have still not finished Fathers Who Could Do With a Spot of Sinning.

This is true, but you see, I had a terrible moment. I remembered something.

Years ago, I was sitting in a bar, having a quiet drink, when a handsome older woman sat down beside me.

"Buy you a drink?" she asked, in a cultured, well-modulated tone.

"Already got one, but the seat's empty," I replied.

She laughed, as she was meant to. We chatted about this and that. After a minute or two I said: "You look fantastic, and you're really witty, but I am just here for a quiet drink before I go home and work on my thesis, so if you're looking for company, don't let me distract you." Though by then I was considering giving her my phone number.

"No, no," she said. "This is good company. Although I was just thinking of how much you remind me of one of my old girlfriends."

"Oh? Was she nice?"

"Lovely, bright and funny. You have exactly the same eyes, and very similar colouring."

A cold chill settled over me. "Ah. Her name wouldn't be ______, would it?

"Oh wow! I can't believe you know her!"

I made my apologies shortly afterwards, and went home with my phone number a secret, and never returned to that bar, the best in my area, because it is a central tenet of my life that I will never sleep with anyone that either of my parents did.

Having remembered this, Fathers has become one long "But ..." for me. The characters in my head have been coming up with all sorts of helpful suggestions.

"You should kill us off!" say Albus and Scorpius.

"NO!" I reply, aghast. "Aside from the fact that you're my little darlings, no one would ever forgive me."

"Alien abduction, then."

"This isn't the X-Files."

"Send us to Australia."

"I'd be plagiarising myself"

"It could be a spell gone wrong!"

"I'd be plagiarising jadzialove."

"One of them's a Veela."

"mistful"

"Pregnant!"

"romaine24"

"There's a bond!"

"All of fandom circa 2003-2006."

"GOD you're annoying. DAD!"

"What's up? Oh it's her again. Hi writerchops, what's your excuse this time?"

"Shut up, Harry, or I'll give you PTSD and we'll see how you like it."

"Will it come with mindless shagging? I could do with that after your closed-door policy. No wonder calanthe_fics thinks you're secretly a nun. You've fooled no one with your World Youth Day ravings."

"You know, I could have you found the Church of St Potter after all and it be a celibate order ..."

"Some days I hate you."

"Where's everyone gone?"

"Draco! glad you're here. Buggalugs has decided she should actually finish our story."

"Have you still not done that?"

"I wrote 5000 words!"

"But not the end, yes?"

"Yes."

"So that would be unfinished."

"Yes."

"Honestly, you are so much more trouble than you're worth, you should feel grateful we like your cats and don't leave you to your own devices.  frayach and sansa1970 are much nice to us."

"anthimaeria's not talking to you"

"That's all a misunderstanding and it will be sorted soon. aoifene has been lovely to us lately."

"Shit! I have a parcel to post to her. Anyway, none of this is helping me finish this story with the two of you getting together without the two of them breaking up."

Draco thinks on this for a while. "You could just have us talk reasonably to each other to work our way through the issues like grown-ups."

"Yes, because I need more long screeds of dialogue in my stories."

"Alternatively …"

"Yes?"

"Have Charlie Weasley seduce us both for a threesome!"

Some days I hate the characters in my head. Off to Ikea for more storage solutions now, hopefully it will all come to me in a revelation as I gaze at cheap Scandinavian design.

Comments

[uminohikari.livejournal.com]

Surely you can give yourself permission to copy your ideas? ♥

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

I love the characters in your head, especially the one that looks and sounds like you. Oh, and thank goodness no one mentioned Mira... >.>

*gnashes teeth*

Seriously...

*does some more enamel damage*

That being said - THANK YOU!

Now, stop buying distractions and write some fic, woman! They're boys - they're not going to angst about it like we would. Honestly! As long as they get to shag - and not talk too much about it with their parents/children.

♥

[romaine24.livejournal.com]

OMG I am so dying of laughter right now. I was just on my way to bed (feeling poorly) and saw your post. I'm thinking Charlie might be the answer. Of course he could make them both pregnant. *snicker* And that alien idea isn't so bad, just make it a dragon that takes them to Charlie.

thanks so much for this.

[rickey-a.livejournal.com]

head, spinning, very confused, ack, I must be in the wrong hemisphere

[cinnatart.livejournal.com]

*snickers* my my, I had NO idea when I asked if you were finishing this soon, it was tttthhhhaaaaaaatttttttt crazy in your head.

though, I must thank you. you reminded me I ALSO have a parcel to post to Aoife. hm.

[frantic-mice.livejournal.com]

Wut? *tilts head* Nope, still don't get it. All I understood was that your characters are either suicidal or watch too many X-file reruns, and that you can't write because you almost scarred yourself for life by almost getting picked up by one of your parent's former beauties? Other than that I got nuffin.

[pingrid.livejournal.com]

I'm all in favour of something cheap and Scandinavian; it usually helps to clear the head.

Also, very much in favour of fanon!Charlie. He's easy-going, fit, and un-epilogue'd; goes with any flavour and has exciting, manly job. What's not to love? I'd have to argue that he isn't Bunbury, though, unless it's become comme il faut to make one's excuses on the basis that one has a very slutty friend who hasn't had sex in days, and that one simply must rush to the country and take care of the situation to prevent his untimely death from abstinence.

Re: Fathers, I don't quite get the connection. None of the fathers slept with the kids, did they? No matter; yes, do bring Charlie in for the threesome! :D *hoots and cheers*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Nah, though AM will kill me if I can't get H/D happening, and it's just that little bit incestuous, don't you think?

We are the proud owners of new shelves and hooks, which will liberate our old too-small shelves for the street scavengers tomorrow, they will be thrilled!

And you know, I do think it's only a matter of time before "Must dash off to shag Charlie" becomes the excuse du jour.

[tomatoe18.livejournal.com]

I'm writing Charlie. Why am I writing Charlie? Should I be using someone else? But Charlie makes sense.

But Scandinavia just gave me idea for something. Hmmm...

[pingrid.livejournal.com]

While I usually prefer the something cheap and Scandinavian to be me, in this case I think new shelves fit the bill much better! Which ones did you get? I am now full of shelf envy; I desperately need more but I have no more wall to put them against. Sigh. But street scavengers? Really? Clearly, I lead a sheltered life.

And no, not at all incestuous, I think, unless they, um, share. *eeeew*

Must dash off to shag Charlie!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You're mostly there, Mousie! Basically every time I try to write H/D to finish my sequel, I stop and ask myself "Is this tasteless? I have always fled from anyone associated with shagging my parents, would they do the same from anyone associated with shagging me?" (the answer is almost certainly not! My mother is and father was hilariously appalling.)

So the characters in my head are coming up with cunning and helpful suggestions. Since writing this earlier, they have all decided that group sex with Charlie Weasley is a perfectly valid plot device for any twist.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but it's more fun to come up with something new! I'm getting there!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Mira makes me happy, as I am not the slowest updater in fandom!

I am writing, but not this story. Don't hurt me! Happy birthday!!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

ARGH! No mpreg! Babies are cute little aliens that I do not understand! Only you can carry that off with style. But I do think that I will at some point write a story in which shagging Charlie is the key to every plot problem ;-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Or it could just be that I am confusing ... Where did I lose you, Rickey? I may be able to talk you through it.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Many many moons ago when I was a young lass in school, our teacher said "The best way to tell if your dialogue in a story works is to act it out. Now, Brammers, stand up and give the class a demonstration from that story that you're working on."

She should have known better, given how often I missed Saturday sport for drama and ballet. Fifteen minutes later she finally stopped me before I acted out the part where one character murdered the other.

"Just like that. But slightly saner," she concluded.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh Pin! If only I could buy you at Ikea! But no, three Billy shelves in Beech. Simple and small for the boring living room.

We're in the middle of the inner city, so when you want to get rid of anything remotely useful, just leave it on the street with a sign saying "free" and it will be gone in half an hour. Very handy stuff.

And no, no sharing, EWWW. Leave some Charlie for the rest of us!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It's because Charlie rocks! You should definitely write him! And he would be right at home in Scandinavia ...

[tomatoe18.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that this discussion, however short, has helped me lots. :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Spreading the word of Charlie could be my new mission ...

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i have to admit i don't really like the h/d & al/scorp double pairing, but in your fics i can believe anything. seriously. i'll accept just about anything you want to tell me and happily. [*nods*]

that being said i really should get to some writing of my own as well.

oh, and if the characters in your head are suggesting having a threesome with charlie, i'm loving them even more :D

i want you to know i live in hope of one day meeting you, and you should know you are the reason my england trip isn't a total disaster. well, you and fran and waterbird, but it was your missive that got my arse actually planning. [*loves you*]

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

Fifteen minutes later she finally stopped me before I acted out the part where one character murdered the other.

"Just like that. But slightly saner," she concluded.

[*adores*]

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

I'm still talking to them, but all they want to do is shag!

Speaking of the bar episode, I guess you're just a chip off the old block, aren't you? *ruffles your hair* Very good that you didn't find out too late that Mum had been there first. ;)

Looking forward to more Fathers, and don't you dare kill any of our boys.

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Obviously you did not watch enough soap operas in your youth. The solution is obvious. Paternity mix-up. Turns out Albus Severus Potter is actually the child of Ginny's affair with Dean Thomas. She's been glamour charming him all his life to hide the lie from Harry.

Meanwhile, turns out Scorpius Malfoy is actually adopted because Draco couldn't make himself sleep with his wife.

Problem solved.

Did you show potential dates some family pictures to make sure you weren't about to breach your resolution?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I just stuck to toy boys and girls, though then my mother started going out with women younger than me and that plan was shot to hell. Happily I met J at about the same time.

The only soap I have ever watched was Passions, which I got into a few years ago when I was recuperating from some trauma or other. But I think having Scorpius be Astoria's animated doll might be taking things a step too far.