blamebrampton | Hallelujah and saints be praised!

YES! I love being first on a poll - 100% agreement. My opinion is GOD! lol

YAY! And you, unlike some people (MAGGIE!) did not tick the wanker box, for which I thank you.

brammers, can you teach me how not to use emoticons so much? i feel as if my statements on the interwebz will be misunderstood unless i have some kind of smiley face attached to them :( <-- SEE! gaaaaaaaah.

craft writers leave out steps because they believe them to be obvious, while readers do not

sounds like one of my mum's recipes! heh ;)

Oh, don't get me started on food writers!

Dear aldehyde,
Emoticons, like typos, are perfectly acceptable in fast and informal media such as LJ, Twitter and personal email. However, you may want to consider mixing them up with a few more complex phrases to introduce variety and interest in your writing. Consider the odd inclusion from the following selection:
*sigh*
HA!
Oh, for fuck's sake
WOE!
... obviously this is irony ...
I love you
HEE!
This brings me joy
You are clearly a lunatic
I am so confused

Bemusement does not begin to cover it
I AM SUFFUSED WITH GLEE!!

I have not covered all emoticon situations, but hope that this basic list will serve as a start to your experiments in lengthier postings. Good luck!

Miss Brammers

Just wanted to use these:

Oh, for fuck's sake
I am so confused *sigh*
... obviously this is irony ...
You are clearly a lunatic
This brings me joy
I AM SUFFUSED WITH GLEE!!
HEE!

Yup, it works! HA!

HA! I bet you're good with craft instructions, too ;-) (emoticon for effect)

:)) Sorry, couldn't resist.

Ummm, no. Not really. When I was at school I knit a pretty wool hat. My friend made her little sister a slipover with the same amount of stitches... So I made a huge - but pretty - wool hat. It was so big that I just gave it to charity. I hope some bigheaded (hee!) person liked it.

An Brammers essay on writing would be super-helpful, because I feel like I am closing my eyes, taking a running leap and hoping for the best when I write. If it includes a section on something like outlining, or plotting a story BEFORE you write it, I will... well, I will use it next time I start a story. *looks at flaily drafts in file* *buries face in hands*

Gardening question (since you offered): I have dry but poorly drained heavy clay soil that apparently eats bulbs. Now that a professional has cleared all of the weeds and self-sown trees out of it, it is a big garden - what do I do with it? (Apart from setting up my sun lounger.)

Ooh! I can help with the second part of this immediately!

Clay soils are the bane of most gardeners as they have the annoying habit of both holding water enough to rot plant roots and bulbs, and also being able to dry out to the point that they could be used as the setting for an Australian road movie.

On the upside, clay soils are almost always nutrient rich, it's just a matter of being able to alter the soil structure to the point that it's conducive to happy plant life.

There are any number of ways that you can do this. I am operating under the assumptions that you do not have a massive budget and that you do not want to do an enormous amount of work.

Happily, clay soils should not be heavily dug, so you've saved a load of work there. Because the soil particles are very fine and 'sticky', digging will collapse what little air spaces there are between the particles. So your garden is perfect for a no-dig approach. What you need to do is to add loads of organic matter and increase the soil biota to a point that it starts to turn from clay to loam on its own.

Start by using a claybreaker. Scattering garden gypsum is traditional and cheap. It's pH neutral and can just be cast over the soil at the rates on the packaging and then watered in. Takes a little while to work and the dust can be unpleasant to work with (it's harmless unless it gets in your eyes, wear safety glasses, and you can wear a mask if you like, though it has no warnings on inhalation or ingestion), but easily the best value for money. If your soil is waterlogged due to rain, this is the product to choose.

For a slightly faster and much easier to use product, there are a range of clip-on claybreakers that attach to your hose and can just be sprayed over the area. These can often be purchased in multi-packs at a good price, but do take a look at the suggested area covered, as it can be a fair bit less than the garden area you need to treat and you may need to buy several. They're absolutely foolproof to use, and over-application is not really a problem (aside from the waste, same goes for gypsum).

You will need to repeat this a few times in the first year and possibly annually thereafter depending on how your soil rehab goes. Now it's time to add rich organic matter.

Anything that is organic, nutrient-rich and well-rotted will do (essentially, it's all types of compost, even though only some are labelled as such). You can go for compost, stable manure, cow or sheep manure, leaf litter, agricultural byproduct such as composted sugar cane pulp, composted chicken manure ... whatever you can get in bulk.

And when I say bulk, I mean bulk, ideally we're talking tonnes. Don't balk at the idea: you can often purchase very cheap compost in large quantities from your council, and I have seen products that cost A$10 for 30L sold at A$60/tonne. As a rule of thumb, you want a depth at of least 4 inches (10cm), though you could easily double that. Calculate the area and multiply by depth for the volume, most suppliers should be able to convert that into weight.

If you are not sure of local suppliers, ring your council, any local community gardens or any local landscaping suppliers for recommendations. Check the price of delivery, too, as it even for smaller amounts it can be cheaper to have it delivered loose than bought packaged.

The only thing to look out for at this point is how composted your organic matter is. As a rough rule of thumb, steaming piles = still composting. If you have a friend with a stable who has just come around and dumped a load of stable manure (from horses who are not being fed antibiotics or other serious medications) on your soil, you can usually feel the heat rising off it! This is not really an issue until you want to plant into it, as a too-hot compost will burn plant roots.

If the composting process is still taking place, leave your organic matter in a heap, dust it with blood and bone if it looks as though it could do with a bit of a speed up (you won't need this for stable manure!) and turn it over a few times a week over the next few weeks, it will quickly finish rotting. If it's all calm and smells like rich humus, then you are fine to just start spreading.

Using the back of a steel rake, or a shovel, spread your compost across the soil. Then, if cash allows, cover it in a layer of straw, hay, or other bulky but relatively fast-degrading organic mulch, such as leaf litter, chaff, sugar cane waste, etc. This will take one afternoon, even for a big suburban garden, assuming a medium level of fitness.

Water the whole lot with a click-on sprayer of seaweed emulsion attached to your hose (this is the single most useful product known to gardening kind).

You will probably want to start planting around now. If you are looking for a flower garden or vegie garden, just stick to shallow to medium-rooted plants for the first season and then start introducing larger plants and root crops once the soil starts to crumble. Bacteria and worms will move in with all the organic matter, and they and the plant roots are going to do all the hard work for you. Lawn is fine, and can be broadcast as seed straight over the compost layer, though you may want to add a few cm of topsoil.

You can also do all of the above a bit at a time, and just move the sun lounger to suit if it all sounds a bit too much!

Don't plant trees or shrubs down into the soil at this point, you will just be creating a hole that will act like clay bucket and fill up with water when it rains and drowns the roots. Instead, create a good-sized (three times the rootball or more) mound of good soil/compost (retaining it with bricks or the like if needs be) and plant into that, or use large pots. You can plant a mini-garden of bulbs or annuals over the rest of the mound.

From here on, add more organic matter several times a year, regular organic mulches and one or two compost scatterings a year, plus feeding with organic fertilisers will do the trick. Water with seaweed emulsion once every month or two. Worm castings and worm wee are brilliant, too. You will be amazed at how quickly your soil improves. Keep an eye on the water; if it is raining a lot, do not add extra. If it is dry, water regularly, even if you need to use rinse water from the laundry, bath or rinsing kitchen vegies in areas that have hosepipe bans. Regular water is an essential ingredient in fixing the soil structure, though the better the structure, the better it will hold and drain water.

Finally, look for plants that will do well in your richer, heavier soil. Many woodland plants are perfect, and the more things you have actively growing, the better your soil will be, since the roots bring in air, improve structure, and encourage bacteria, worms and microflora and fauna. Talk to your local nursery about suitable varieties (look for an actual horticulturalist rather than just the general staff!)

Sorry for the longwindedness, but it's a complex problem, yet one that can be easily conquered. Good luck, and let me know how you go!

(Edited because I cannot type!)

Edited 2009-06-05 16:55 (UTC)

*blinks* Eep! This is the low effort option?

I love the way you assume I have a hose, or anything as useful as an outdoor tap to attach one to. My flatmate's boyfriend found what he decided was an outdoor tap and used it to clean his bike. Turned out it was a crucial part of the hot water system, and draining all the water from it made the boiler not work. Why do I still sometimes believe what people tell me purely because they say it in an authoritative tone? Am I really not smarter than that?

Anyway, that is some good advice, although I may cheat and stick to pots for now, on the grounds that I have already dropped a load of cash fixing a garden that technically does not belong to me. There are a few things like aquilegia and peonies that have done all right on their own that I will probably move around a bit now they are done flowering, and I have done a few pots with smelly herbs down the back garden.

What I couldn't work out with the bulbs is why the ones I planted died horribly, whereas the bluebells that are in the next bed down flourish every year. (This was what led me to think my bulbs would be OK.) Gardens are weird.

I will keep this advice on file for if I can ever afford a place of my own, because the Bath area is pretty much all clay pan, and this will come in handy.

I think you should demand a tap from your landlord! You are not living in civilised conditions!

And it IS low effort, once you've spread a few tonnes of compost, you're sorted ;-)

I know! However, since I am already trying to pressure the landlord into fixing the terrible drip in the guttering, cutting down or at least massively cutting back the gimongous elder tree in the back, and contributing to the cost of the gardener, and maybe letting me have a cat, the odds of him shelling out to rearrange the plumbing are not high. On the plus side, lugging around the watering can should do wonders for my biceps!

So would spreading around a few tonnes of compost, but the very idea makes my lazy-meter set the alarm bells a-ringing. :oD

many craft writers have sniffed far too much craft glue

In the days of duplicator fanzine publishing we used to blame a lot on sniffing too much correction fluid...

And speaking as someone who, when asked at school to write instructions for mowing the lawn, submitted 10 pages starting with instructions on the correct height to set the mower blades, I could probaby use some ideas on brevity.

Erm ... *points above*

Though I have done a 500-word mowing story that covered most bases ;-)

And oh the Roneo fluid ...

I think a post on cable knit jumpers would be fascinating as well.

NO! The horror! The horror! (Though if you are genuinely interested, there are a few good pattern books I can recommend that are available from amazon.uk (which I think is less evil than American Amazon but am not sure ...))

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. I do love knitting but cable knit jumpers make me crazy, too. Although, if you had good recs, .... :D

Will have to ask the husband for garden questions. But I'd read anything you wrote on writing. And yes, I checked both that option and the Quentin Crisp option in the poll because the latter made me laugh.

Actually, have you ever tried knitting socks? My fave knitting book is all sock patterns, and it changed my knitting life, I'd happily share it if you're interested.

I am always happy to help with garden queries, and let's face it, there will come a point in my life when I will be virtually indistinguishable from Quentin, save for being slightly less fey, I hope!

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. I do love knitting but cable knit jumpers make me crazy, too. Although, if you had good recs, .... :D

Will have to ask the husband for garden questions. But I'd read anything you wrote on writing. And yes, I checked both that option and the Quentin Crisp option in the poll because the latter made me laugh.

He asks, why is my columbine not blooming (in a mix sun/shade spot, sandy soil) and how do I find the best place for an african violet (assuming you do indoor plants as well). Oh, and do cucumbers need less water than tomatoes? Fascinating. The things you learn when you ask...

Both cucumbers and tomatoes suffer from overwatering, producing bloated crops that suffer in the flavour department. Mulch the roots well with organic mulch so that you can retain the water where it is needed. Tomatoes can have organic mulches pushed up hard against the stems and will send more roots out into them, try using well-rotten cow or horse manure mixed with straw or compost for good results. Cucumbers need a little room between their stems and the mulch to prevent rotting. Both should be kept moist, though, as they will wilt quickly.

The columbine probably just needs a good feed, they can be greedy little buggers. In addition to feeding the soil with a good pelletised organic fertiliser or quality blood and bone mixed with 10% sulphate of potash, give a foliar feed with an organic fruit and flower soluble fertiliser. In many cases, people use lovely general fertilisers that don't quite have enough potassium for good flower formation, adding the sulphate of potash to the soil and using the flower feed will fix this.

If he is already using a high-potassium feed, have him check the soil pH, which could be too alkaline, and mulch with organic matter as for the tomatoes to both neutralise the pH and increase water retention around the roots. Otherwise, it might just need more light, especially morning sun.

The best place for an African violet is in a warm spot away from direct light and not beside a window (the temperature fluctuates too widely and the light can be too harsh). You want filtered light, and nice constant temperature and humidity. The old stand the pot on a try of gravel with water trick works well, just steer clear of air conditioning and heating vents!

Brammers, you are a treasure. I have the happiest husband on my hands. He has always been supportive of my LJ habit but now he has seen the blessings first hand and is wowed. Also, you're just great :D

You are very welcome! I do love being helpful!

You are a font of both useful and interesting information! And do tell me about that sock book! I have successfully knit one pair and I have too much nice yarn from Germany and too many good fine gauge needles not to press on.

It's this one: http://www.interweavestore.com/store/p/1735-Folk-Socks-The-History-Techniques-of-Handknitted-Footwear.aspx

Great patterns, but best of all, a whole section on the technique of socks, so I have not only adapted all of her patterns to various odd feet, but also made up my own with ease. One of my most-used craft references!

Yes! I have that one from my mother, though I haven't used it yet. I also have her Knitting Vintage Socks (http://www.interweavestore.com/store/p/1695-Knitting-Vintage-Socks-New-Twists-on-Classic-Patterns.aspx).

Is there a particular sock from that book you make more frequently? *fires up the needles*

And now, off to catch up with European politics. What were they thinking in the Netherlands?

I don't know what they were thinking!!! Since finding news that takes place outside our country and doesn't involve something exploding and/or being destroyed in a very physical unpleasant way is exceptionally hard because it does not end up on the only news I accidentally see when I leave my TV on late at night. XD

They have elected a number of far-right delegates to the European Union: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/elections/article6434628.ece

And did you know that your President is a rock star and has delivered one of the finest speeches I have heard in my lifetime? http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/middle_east/article6430692.ece

GUH. WTF ARE YOU DOING NETHERLANDS?! And here I thought they were all cool, hippie-esque people. Call my sterotype blown apart, man. That's just...nyeah. Way to make bleached blond men look like dicks, guys!

I did! \o/ Oddly enough, I caught that on my flist yesterday but didn't see a mention of it on my local news at all. Not even during the world news portion. Ah well, at least I knew about it right? >.<

I do not understand your media. AUSTRALIAN news led with it and a chorus of 'Dude, go YOU!'

And the Netherlands has always had an interesting mix of liberalism and conservatism. At it's happiest, most social policies are set by the former and economic by the latter, at it's worst, the other way around.

Ick. Not that most of our countries can really safely say we haven't taken our politics down a disturbing road, but still. ew.

You know? I don't understand our media all that much either. When our comedy shows invest more time in talking about the important news than regular news shows, something is majorly fucked up.

This is why I could never do journalism. I think it'd hurt my soul. Plus, I hate writing up news stories, because most of the time they're bland little blurbs and not very exciting at all.

Yes, I bet John Stewart did not foresee that he would be one of the most incisive commentators on two successive governments when he was a boy dreaming of making people laugh ...

And journalism is as interesting as it is depressing, you just need to bunk off and do other things now and then, such as lifestyle mags or PR (also good for the bank account!)

*pictures tiny!John going up to his mother and informing her that he's going to be the best political commenter ever...and people will laugh too!*

Hehe. Anything that's good for the bank account, can in turn become good for the soul. *G* Or perhaps just for the head. Bank account induced headaches aren't much fun.

Hm.

I ticked everything because I am feeling indecisive today.

Our garden kind of looks like a jungle right about now. There is this massive hole in the middle and the grass is getting too long and overgrown and the spikes in the bushes are trying to take over the world. I feel a bit like... what's his face? The one that does the whole jungle adventure thing for just for kicks? ...can't remember. Anywho, come summer and it's getting the grooming of it's life.

I feel your pain with the craft editing :-) I do technical editing of knitting patterns, and while I am more choosey now about who I work with I saw some really boggling patterns when I worked on a mag. My favourite has to be the cardi where the pattern bore no relation at all to the knitted garment, and there was no way on earth that as written the sleeve would have fitted into the arm hole. Oh happy days.

On the gardening front do you have any tips on how to get rid of mare's tail / horse tail (no idea what the real name is I'm afraid), short of napalm or moving house?

I shall go back to being a dreadful lurkity lurker now.

PS. Are you on Ravelry.com?

All of the above? =P

Though, I must admit, I find you talking in the 3rd person to be charming and quite amusing. =P

Hmm, not sure about the Netherlands, but I am still baffled by what the people of the England are doing electing BNP councillors - The town next to where I live now proudly has one.

As the only gardening I do is virtual, I have no further questions. But I would definitely be interested in an essay on writing from you. Would be nice to read from the perspective of someone who knows what they're talking about, rather than bumbling around in the dark, as I do!

Now most people think that editing craft would be easy, after all, you are making a thing, and the instructions for that thing are very easy and obvious. The problem is threefold: firstly, craft writers leave out steps because they believe them to be obvious, while readers do not. . .

When I teach technical writing, my class does an in-class assignment that dissuades them of the belief that instructions are simple to write. I give them 15 minutes to write directions for making a peanut butter sandwich for someone whose culture doesn't have sandwiches or twist-top jars. Then either I or the most literal (read smart-ass) student in the class will try to follow those who volunteer to read those. I bring in bread, a knife, and peanut butter. In one case, the student couldn't even open the jar; the writer didn't say to hold the jar while unscrewing the lid. (In interests of full disclosure, I must admit I stole this activity from someone else). It usually gets the point across.

As far as the poll goes, I selected the first two. I like reading writers who talk about writing. Plus, it gives me one more source I can send students to.

At last, I can get stuck in and clean the house, beta fics, write and read (and [info]suttonwriter and [info]wemyss , the two of you are at the top of my list for essay reading!

Are you talking about reading some of my stuff? If so, thank you in advance.

Hmm, need a poll option for "Amusing, because everything Brammers writes invariable is."

And now, off to catch up with European politics.

For the sake of your long happy weekend: don't. I'm afraid the Netherlands result will still look good compared to what is going to happen in several other countries, mine included. *gags*

So now you have me intrigued - you need to send me an email (communication - my god what's that!) telling me about what you are doing these days post Bulletin.

I guess I didn't pick up on this before but it sounds like you are in publishing? Books, magazines, or newspapers? If I am too nosy, feel free to ignore. I would love to read anything you write about writing! And also about working in publishing, about which I know little and am curious.

Yay, essay for me!!

And now, off to catch up with European politics. What were they thinking in the Netherlands?

What did they do? The only thing I've heard about the Dutch today is that they thoroughly shamed the UK in the Twenty20 cricket. Bastards.

What were they thinking in the Netherlands?

Some of us were not thinking at all, it appears. The weird thing is that the far right got four seats, central right has five, and the left has eleven seats. The other five seats are scattered. They'll have to work together, which is not something the PVV is capable of. Generating a lot of hot air, yes, saying something constructive, no.

I honestly don't fear the PVV getting to power in the Netherlands. No other party will work with them, they'll never get half of the votes at the next election and even so that 'coalition' will fall in a month. It'll be like after the death of Pim Fortuyn; a lot of votes, a lot of noise, but nothing real or lasting.

I'm not worried. You'll eventually sign up to some fest or other. :D

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Hallelujah and saints be praised!

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