blamebrampton

Imagine, dear flist, if you will, that you are a major Australian political party.

No, not the chaotic though successful ALP, with its knickers on display as it straddles a membership ranging from dyed-in-the-wool trade unionists to chardonnay-sipping would-be-socialists (if socialists weren't so damnably unkempt). Nor are you the Greens, you own too many name-brand cosmetics for that. Put down the Akubra, my friend, you are not the Nationals and you do not care that it hasn't rained in living memory, nor that the soaring Aussie dollar is going to bugger exports, should you ever have anything to export again.

No, my friend, you are the Australian Liberal Party. Moderate by American standards, economically fairly dry by British, socially reasonable for the most part, and generally prone to slow, steady behaviour.

Yesterday, you were led by Draco Malfoy:

Malcolm Turnbull, who may not have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but who had optioned the silver mines and put the best spoon manufacturers on retainer by the time he was nine. Multi-millionaire and staunch republican (as in Goodbye, Your Majesty, Thanks!), he has run a fairly straight conservative line. Famous for fiscal responsibility, being ever so slightly pompous (in the same way that Jo Rowling is slightly rich) and for being one of the few people in parliament who was about as smart as K Rudd, our Glorious Cyborg Leader (aka Harry Potter, seriously, take a look at a photo of the man), Malfoy may never have been the most popular boy in school, but he was always going to be a prefect if for no other reason than the fact that people couldn't imagine him not being one. When you look up Born to Rule in an Australian dictionary, Malfoy has paid to have small shots of his impeccably coiffed head glued in beside the phrase.

A few days ago, Malfoy finished hammering through a deal whereby the Liberal/National coalition would support the government's emissions trading scheme (ETS). This is a fairly standard, fairly restrained carbon tax scheme, whereby costs would be spread out over many years and which also comes in the context of a generous rebate system for both low-income earners and for people who install insulation and solar panels (or other 'green' power generation equipment).

The very important thing for you to know is that the ETS was all but identical to the conservative coalition's scheme that they were planning to enact had they won the last election.

Now Malfoy knew this, his team had hammered out significant concessions to the original proposed ETS, and the final one had the support of 66% of the Australian populace with only 23% against it. In Aussie political terms, he was onto a winner.

However, his coalition contains a startling number of people (at least 42) who believe that the whole Global Warming thing is a load of old todgers. Now I know that some of you out there might agree with them, which is probably because at the moment you are snowed in with a gale blowing outside. However, I live in Australia, where it never rains unless it is causing a massive flood, and where things burn down seemingly daily and it was 40 degrees Celcius on Sunday and 20 on Monday. Global Warming is so much a part of life here that the wallabies and bandicoots have started lobbying for an ETS.

Nonetheless, those 42 Liberals declared that Malfoy had led the Liberals astray from the One True Path of Voldemort (John Howard) and was teetering on the godless maw of Muggle-loving Potterism.

Enter Gregory Goyle:

Also known as Joe Hockey. He is the every man of the Australian Liberal Party, a boofy, affable dry who is reasonably bright, not appalling, though not as squeaky clean and above it all as he would like you to believe. Still, he's not a bad man nor a bad politician. Although he's not a bright shining star of the political firmament, he's widely considered to be a Good Bloke TM and has a broad popular appeal.

Goyle has spent the last few days pointing out that Malfoy's method of ensuring support within the Liberal Party for the GST was akin to the Albus Dumbledore School of Adolescent Sacrifice: ie, Don't ask, just do it and trust me. Rather than committing the whole party to supporting the ETS, Goyle declared that he would allow a conscience vote. To understand the significance of this, you need to know that the government already has the numbers in the lower house, and requires one vote in the upper house. Given that there are many Liberals, including Goyle, who support the ETS, this would essentially guarantee the passing of the scheme. Although he was a friend of Malfoy's, Goyle said that he would stand against him if the party decided to spill the leadership and put it to a vote.

If you had asked most people on Sunday morning whether Malfoy or Goyle would lead the Liberal party this week, they would have answered Goyle.

But they were under-estimating the crazy! Enter Dolores Umbridge:

Sorry chaps. But if I can draw your attention away from the chest hair for a moment (I know, all but impossible!), I would point out the ears.

This man is called Tony Abbott, and I will grant you that he is admirably fit. However, he also a rampant Catholic and not afraid to impose it.

Umbridge has spoken out at length against abortion and reproductive technologies, which in secular Australia is like ... I suppose like an American politician declaring public atheism. He is a combatative, divisive politician, who has been known to swear at his opponents in parliament and whose understanding that people have views different to his own is, if history is any guide, based in the firm belief that they may hold such views, but only because they have not been exposed to the Glorious Truth, and that once he Shares the Glorious Truth with them, they will Understand.

Prissy, perfectionist and quite happy to stab his political enemies in the back, Umbridge dreams of a world where his Decrees will be law, and knows that they would be best for Australia, if only people could be led to realise it. At school, he was a milk monitor and cleaned the dusters and was happy to suggest worthy candidates for detention.

Remember earlier that I mentioned the ETS was practically identical to the previous government's proposed carbon trading scheme? This man was one of the leading supporters of that scheme, a scheme he described as essential and appropriate.

Last week, he declared that the ETS would not only destroy the Liberal party, but the Australian way of life as we know it (despite being, I remind you, a scheme of great modesty and with the support of a significant majority of the Australian people). When he was reminded that he had previously supported the exact same scheme, he said 'No I didn't.'

When journalists showed video of him saying 'Great scheme!' he replied that they should go and do lines, with a special quill.

Yesterday, the Liberal Party decided to spill its leadership and vote to see who had support.

Umbridge won, 42:41 over Malfoy, with both of them beating Goyle in an earlier round of voting.

I now believe that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd DOES in fact have supernatural powers, as there is no other logical explanation for the fact that a man who has spent the last year doing 90% of bugger all in terms of selling his party's policies has just had the next election handed to him on a platter. And for all of you overseas, this in short is the reason why every Australian citizen and resident you know has spent the last 24 hours cackling in a slightly crazed state.

For the locals, I end with a quote from the ALP's Tim Gatrell: 'Now I know how the Liberals felt when we elected Mark Latham leader.' Quite.