Why yes, said the publisher, this is the PERFECT BOOK!

Our scene is set in a neatly appointed though by no means luxurious publishing house [*Googles*] in Illinois. Billed as The Leading Publisher of Jane Austen-Related Fiction [I am not making that up], it is filled with hard-working bibliophiles committed to nothing less than upholding the legacy of our beloved Ms Austen and warming the breasts of would-be Regency heroines the world over.

Enter our Hero, Jake, a young publisher who, though as enamoured of a good satiric romance set in Bath as the next right-thinking gentle, is worried that times are a-changing. With him is Bert, who has been in this trade many a long year.

Jake: So the Trials of the Honourable F Darcy*, it's doing well. The contemporary San Francisco setting seems to appeal to readers.

Bert: Jake, son, they're there for the soft porn.

Jake: Well, that, too.

Bert: It's like I always tell you, there's a straight-line correlation between dollar and Darcy donger.

Jake: You're right Bert. Mr and Mrs Fitzwilliam Darcy* is nothing more than a shagfest, and it's walking off the shelves. Same with Loving Mr Darcy. And yet, I feel there's an untapped market ...

Bert: Literary lesbians? It's all right, Caroline and Kitty** is due out next month. Can Kitty grow up enough to captivate the superior Miss Bingley? Will Caroline's nose descend from its post in the air to a more comfortable spot between Kitty's thighs? And how can two girls hide their budding attraction when muslins without panniers leave no room to cover up an ardent lover and table skirts haven't yet been invented?

Jake: No, although that was a great idea of yours, it's ... well, it shames me to admit it, but I want nothing more than a slice of the Twilight action.

Bert: Oh son, don't we all? Sparkle equals squillions in this day and age.

[Enter Alice, an intern]

Alice: Sir? Your ten o'clock meeting is here. Amanda Grange.

Bert: Thanks, Alice. Say, Jake, why don't you sit in on this one with me? You'll like Amanda, she's a good little writer.

Jake: Sure, thanks.

[The two men move to a meeting room, introductions are made. Amanda pulls a large manuscript from her bag.]

Amanda: Thanks so much for meeting with me today, I just wanted to float my latest idea past you.

Bert: Sure Amanda, we'd love to hear it. Your Mr Darcy's Diary* is still doing well for us, whoever would have imagined that Lord Byron could have smoothed the path between Darcy and Elizabeth? Genius!

Amanda: [blushes] You're too kind. Look, I want you to know that this one's a bit different. You might not like it. It's a bit … experimental …

Jake: Run it by us, we were just saying it might be fun to go in a bit of a new direction!

Amanda: OK, well don't say I didn't warn you. [Opens manuscript folder] I call it Mr Darcy, Vampyre.

[Jake and Bert exchange looks.]

Amanda: OK, yeah, you're right, it's just silly. It was really more of a fanfiction idea that grew out of control … I should leave …

Bert: NO! No, er, no, that is to say, I'd be happy to take a look at this for you.

Jake: [Stares at Amanda]

[Stares some more]

Amanda: Are you all right?

Jake: I think I love you!

In all seriousness, it's amusing and neatly written and I made it the whole way through without wanting to strangle anyone involved in its production. The anachronism level is low and the entertainment level quite high enough. As a writer, Amanda Grange is quite thoroughly decent, but as a marketer, she is a GENIUS.


* I have not made any of these up. Clearly, all any of us need to do is out-live Jo Rowling by 75 years and we need never work again! Though that would mean I would be at least 160 by the time I could cark it, given Ms Rowling's rough life expectancy, and I do not think there is enough moisturiser in all the world to make that look good.
** OK, this one I did make up. And have an appalling urge to write.

Why yes, said the publisher, this is the PERFECT BOOK!

Our scene is set in a neatly appointed though by no means luxurious publishing house [*Googles*] in Illinois. Billed as The Leading Publisher of Jane Austen-Related Fiction [I am not making that up], it is filled with hard-working bibliophiles committed to nothing less than upholding the legacy of our beloved Ms Austen and warming the breasts of would-be Regency heroines the world over.

Enter our Hero, Jake, a young publisher who, though as enamoured of a good satiric romance set in Bath as the next right-thinking gentle, is worried that times are a-changing. With him is Bert, who has been in this trade many a long year.

Jake: So the Trials of the Honourable F Darcy*, it's doing well. The contemporary San Francisco setting seems to appeal to readers.

Bert: Jake, son, they're there for the soft porn.

Jake: Well, that, too.

Bert: It's like I always tell you, there's a straight-line correlation between dollar and Darcy donger.

Jake: You're right Bert. Mr and Mrs Fitzwilliam Darcy* is nothing more than a shagfest, and it's walking off the shelves. Same with Loving Mr Darcy. And yet, I feel there's an untapped market ...

Bert: Literary lesbians? It's all right, Caroline and Kitty** is due out next month. Can Kitty grow up enough to captivate the superior Miss Bingley? Will Caroline's nose descend from its post in the air to a more comfortable spot between Kitty's thighs? And how can two girls hide their budding attraction when muslins without panniers leave no room to cover up an ardent lover and table skirts haven't yet been invented?

Jake: No, although that was a great idea of yours, it's ... well, it shames me to admit it, but I want nothing more than a slice of the Twilight action.

Bert: Oh son, don't we all? Sparkle equals squillions in this day and age.

[Enter Alice, an intern]

Alice: Sir? Your ten o'clock meeting is here. Amanda Grange.

Bert: Thanks, Alice. Say, Jake, why don't you sit in on this one with me? You'll like Amanda, she's a good little writer.

Jake: Sure, thanks.

[The two men move to a meeting room, introductions are made. Amanda pulls a large manuscript from her bag.]

Amanda: Thanks so much for meeting with me today, I just wanted to float my latest idea past you.

Bert: Sure Amanda, we'd love to hear it. Your Mr Darcy's Diary* is still doing well for us, whoever would have imagined that Lord Byron could have smoothed the path between Darcy and Elizabeth? Genius!

Amanda: [blushes] You're too kind. Look, I want you to know that this one's a bit different. You might not like it. It's a bit … experimental …

Jake: Run it by us, we were just saying it might be fun to go in a bit of a new direction!

Amanda: OK, well don't say I didn't warn you. [Opens manuscript folder] I call it Mr Darcy, Vampyre.

[Jake and Bert exchange looks.]

Amanda: OK, yeah, you're right, it's just silly. It was really more of a fanfiction idea that grew out of control … I should leave …

Bert: NO! No, er, no, that is to say, I'd be happy to take a look at this for you.

Jake: [Stares at Amanda]

[Stares some more]

Amanda: Are you all right?

Jake: I think I love you!

In all seriousness, it's amusing and neatly written and I made it the whole way through without wanting to strangle anyone involved in its production. The anachronism level is low and the entertainment level quite high enough. As a writer, Amanda Grange is quite thoroughly decent, but as a marketer, she is a GENIUS.


* I have not made any of these up. Clearly, all any of us need to do is out-live Jo Rowling by 75 years and we need never work again! Though that would mean I would be at least 160 by the time I could cark it, given Ms Rowling's rough life expectancy, and I do not think there is enough moisturiser in all the world to make that look good.
** OK, this one I did make up. And have an appalling urge to write.

Very short post ...

... because I have 30,000 things to do and less than 48 hours to catch a plane, however, let me just say that for all of you who thought Australian politics had reached a nadir of stupidity the other day, the New South Wales ALP has taken up the challenge and is even as we speak holding a leadership ballot which could possibly install the most appalling parliamentarian in the state, the ghastly, grasping and greedy Kristina Keneally, as leader of New South Wales (the ALP is currently in power, for a given value of the word power).

I have been saying for some time that the only sane vote in the next State election is one handed to anyone but the ALP. If Keneally wins, I think I will actually start handing out flyers for Barry O'Farrell (the cardigan-wearing, very dull, very competent leader of the conservative Liberal Party) if he can hold the religious nuts in his party in check (fundamentalists -- *shudders* -- give me High Church traditionalists every time.)

ETA: Keneally has won. Well, at least the State government has in her a leader who perfectly represents its self-destructive self-interest. And people wonder why NSW is such a basket case in this otherwise buoyant country. Still, the Opera House is just lovely.

Very short post ...

... because I have 30,000 things to do and less than 48 hours to catch a plane, however, let me just say that for all of you who thought Australian politics had reached a nadir of stupidity the other day, the New South Wales ALP has taken up the challenge and is even as we speak holding a leadership ballot which could possibly install the most appalling parliamentarian in the state, the ghastly, grasping and greedy Kristina Keneally, as leader of New South Wales (the ALP is currently in power, for a given value of the word power).

I have been saying for some time that the only sane vote in the next State election is one handed to anyone but the ALP. If Keneally wins, I think I will actually start handing out flyers for Barry O'Farrell (the cardigan-wearing, very dull, very competent leader of the conservative Liberal Party) if he can hold the religious nuts in his party in check (fundamentalists -- *shudders* -- give me High Church traditionalists every time.)

ETA: Keneally has won. Well, at least the State government has in her a leader who perfectly represents its self-destructive self-interest. And people wonder why NSW is such a basket case in this otherwise buoyant country. Still, the Opera House is just lovely.