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blamebramptonOur scene is set in a neatly appointed though by no means luxurious publishing house [*Googles*] in Illinois. Billed as The Leading Publisher of Jane Austen-Related Fiction [I am not making that up], it is filled with hard-working bibliophiles committed to nothing less than upholding the legacy of our beloved Ms Austen and warming the breasts of would-be Regency heroines the world over.
Enter our Hero, Jake, a young publisher who, though as enamoured of a good satiric romance set in Bath as the next right-thinking gentle, is worried that times are a-changing. With him is Bert, who has been in this trade many a long year.
Jake: So the Trials of the Honourable F Darcy*, it's doing well. The contemporary San Francisco setting seems to appeal to readers.
Bert: Jake, son, they're there for the soft porn.
Jake: Well, that, too.
Bert: It's like I always tell you, there's a straight-line correlation between dollar and Darcy donger.
Jake: You're right Bert. Mr and Mrs Fitzwilliam Darcy* is nothing more than a shagfest, and it's walking off the shelves. Same with Loving Mr Darcy. And yet, I feel there's an untapped market ...
Bert: Literary lesbians? It's all right, Caroline and Kitty** is due out next month. Can Kitty grow up enough to captivate the superior Miss Bingley? Will Caroline's nose descend from its post in the air to a more comfortable spot between Kitty's thighs? And how can two girls hide their budding attraction when muslins without panniers leave no room to cover up an ardent lover and table skirts haven't yet been invented?
Jake: No, although that was a great idea of yours, it's ... well, it shames me to admit it, but I want nothing more than a slice of the Twilight action.
Bert: Oh son, don't we all? Sparkle equals squillions in this day and age.
[Enter Alice, an intern]
Alice: Sir? Your ten o'clock meeting is here. Amanda Grange.
Bert: Thanks, Alice. Say, Jake, why don't you sit in on this one with me? You'll like Amanda, she's a good little writer.
Jake: Sure, thanks.
[The two men move to a meeting room, introductions are made. Amanda pulls a large manuscript from her bag.]
Amanda: Thanks so much for meeting with me today, I just wanted to float my latest idea past you.
Bert: Sure Amanda, we'd love to hear it. Your Mr Darcy's Diary* is still doing well for us, whoever would have imagined that Lord Byron could have smoothed the path between Darcy and Elizabeth? Genius!
Amanda: [blushes] You're too kind. Look, I want you to know that this one's a bit different. You might not like it. It's a bit … experimental …
Jake: Run it by us, we were just saying it might be fun to go in a bit of a new direction!
Amanda: OK, well don't say I didn't warn you. [Opens manuscript folder] I call it Mr Darcy, Vampyre.
[Jake and Bert exchange looks.]
Amanda: OK, yeah, you're right, it's just silly. It was really more of a fanfiction idea that grew out of control … I should leave …
Bert: NO! No, er, no, that is to say, I'd be happy to take a look at this for you.
Jake: [Stares at Amanda]
[Stares some more]
Amanda: Are you all right?
Jake: I think I love you!
In all seriousness, it's amusing and neatly written and I made it the whole way through without wanting to strangle anyone involved in its production. The anachronism level is low and the entertainment level quite high enough. As a writer, Amanda Grange is quite thoroughly decent, but as a marketer, she is a GENIUS.
* I have not made any of these up. Clearly, all any of us need to do is out-live Jo Rowling by 75 years and we need never work again! Though that would mean I would be at least 160 by the time I could cark it, given Ms Rowling's rough life expectancy, and I do not think there is enough moisturiser in all the world to make that look good.
** OK, this one I did make up. And have an appalling urge to write.
Enter our Hero, Jake, a young publisher who, though as enamoured of a good satiric romance set in Bath as the next right-thinking gentle, is worried that times are a-changing. With him is Bert, who has been in this trade many a long year.
Jake: So the Trials of the Honourable F Darcy*, it's doing well. The contemporary San Francisco setting seems to appeal to readers.
Bert: Jake, son, they're there for the soft porn.
Jake: Well, that, too.
Bert: It's like I always tell you, there's a straight-line correlation between dollar and Darcy donger.
Jake: You're right Bert. Mr and Mrs Fitzwilliam Darcy* is nothing more than a shagfest, and it's walking off the shelves. Same with Loving Mr Darcy. And yet, I feel there's an untapped market ...
Bert: Literary lesbians? It's all right, Caroline and Kitty** is due out next month. Can Kitty grow up enough to captivate the superior Miss Bingley? Will Caroline's nose descend from its post in the air to a more comfortable spot between Kitty's thighs? And how can two girls hide their budding attraction when muslins without panniers leave no room to cover up an ardent lover and table skirts haven't yet been invented?
Jake: No, although that was a great idea of yours, it's ... well, it shames me to admit it, but I want nothing more than a slice of the Twilight action.
Bert: Oh son, don't we all? Sparkle equals squillions in this day and age.
[Enter Alice, an intern]
Alice: Sir? Your ten o'clock meeting is here. Amanda Grange.
Bert: Thanks, Alice. Say, Jake, why don't you sit in on this one with me? You'll like Amanda, she's a good little writer.
Jake: Sure, thanks.
[The two men move to a meeting room, introductions are made. Amanda pulls a large manuscript from her bag.]
Amanda: Thanks so much for meeting with me today, I just wanted to float my latest idea past you.
Bert: Sure Amanda, we'd love to hear it. Your Mr Darcy's Diary* is still doing well for us, whoever would have imagined that Lord Byron could have smoothed the path between Darcy and Elizabeth? Genius!
Amanda: [blushes] You're too kind. Look, I want you to know that this one's a bit different. You might not like it. It's a bit … experimental …
Jake: Run it by us, we were just saying it might be fun to go in a bit of a new direction!
Amanda: OK, well don't say I didn't warn you. [Opens manuscript folder] I call it Mr Darcy, Vampyre.
[Jake and Bert exchange looks.]
Amanda: OK, yeah, you're right, it's just silly. It was really more of a fanfiction idea that grew out of control … I should leave …
Bert: NO! No, er, no, that is to say, I'd be happy to take a look at this for you.
Jake: [Stares at Amanda]
[Stares some more]
Amanda: Are you all right?
Jake: I think I love you!
In all seriousness, it's amusing and neatly written and I made it the whole way through without wanting to strangle anyone involved in its production. The anachronism level is low and the entertainment level quite high enough. As a writer, Amanda Grange is quite thoroughly decent, but as a marketer, she is a GENIUS.
* I have not made any of these up. Clearly, all any of us need to do is out-live Jo Rowling by 75 years and we need never work again! Though that would mean I would be at least 160 by the time I could cark it, given Ms Rowling's rough life expectancy, and I do not think there is enough moisturiser in all the world to make that look good.
** OK, this one I did make up. And have an appalling urge to write.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 02:45 pm (UTC)*blinks audibly*
Now Lizzy and Darcy must travel across the Continent to the Pyrenees to find a way to break the curse. But Lady Catherine won t give up her undead without a fight...
I... two of my least favourite literary phenomena should cancel each other out, surely???
no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 03:40 pm (UTC)I would also like to encourage you to have a go at Caroline and Kitty. (So to speak.)
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Date: 2009-12-02 09:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:15 pm (UTC)However, the Queen Victoria book was excellent.
(Also, icon love. Oh Lucius. What I wouldn't do for him and his snake headed cane)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:20 pm (UTC)He is very pretty, but you shouldn't say things like that in front of him or he;ll draw up a list of things you should do.
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Date: 2009-12-02 09:24 pm (UTC)It is a brilliant read! I thoroughly enjoyed it!
I do wonder if his list would correlate with mine? Hum. ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:29 pm (UTC)So possibly not
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Date: 2009-12-02 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 07:04 pm (UTC)Peace,
Bubba
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Date: 2009-12-02 08:09 pm (UTC)I can tell right off the bat when you said.....'luxurious publishing house in.....(wait for it)....Illinois!'
There's nothing luxurious in Illinois.
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Date: 2009-12-02 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-02 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-12-03 12:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 09:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 04:49 pm (UTC)Are you still in the UK? Make sure to visit Avebury~since Stonehenge has been fenced, it's the next best thing :D I remember being very fascinated with the sheep...(no, we don't have sheep here, alas)