Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

:D

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

Hee! I once had a supervisor that I swear did a 'word of the day/week' thing, and interjected it into speech, letters and reports wherever and whenever the opportuity presented itself. Not that we ever confirmed this, but we were convinced of it.

I wrote a letter once which he corrected (oh, yes, he went there!) I pointed out that no, actually, his run-on-sentence masquerading as a paragraph was not an improvement. Nor was this really long word which didn't mean what he thought it did.

I don't think anyone ever corrected him before. I, rather tactfully for me, pointed out that I could (a) leave it as it was, or (b) make his changes, but change the name to his, because I refused to send out a letter to a supplier/customer (can't recall which) like that. He relented and never reviewed a letter of mine again. :D

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

When really BAD sex scenes took over. Sometimes less really is more. :D

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Ha, well, even if you meant that not every story should have sex in it, the point's well taken. I am trying to focus more on following a plot and less on Harry and Draco being unable to take their hands off each other. :)

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha!!! I love these! It's so hard to hold back over extended periods of time.

I'd like to add some art related thoughts I've never typed:

* Have you ever seen a real naked man? Please sign up for life drawing before you post again.

* Cuteness is like pink walls in institutional settings. Psychological tests confirm it only soothes for a short amount of time, then it makes people violent.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! Again with the elephant penises ...

And the cuteness often hurts. Why so much manga? Why?

[miriravan.livejournal.com]

Um, well, sometimes. But there are creams for that. :)

[sassy-cissa.livejournal.com]

I actually said to someone online last night - regarding a fic I was reading:

and might I suggest a beta who SPEAKS THE FRICKING LANGUAGE AND KNOWS THAT A PERIOD GOES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE!!!!!
For the love of god - do you not realize you suck? Please do us all a favor and stop posting.

Harsh, I know - but so fitting of what I was reading.

I only hope people don't say the same about me.

[miriravan.livejournal.com]

I love this list, mostly because I, too, have flames (many of them quite similar to several of your own) playing in my head, but I don't actually post them. Because, honestly, what would be the point?

But the one that immediately makes me froth at the mouth:

* If you cannot spell the character's name, you should not be writing fiction about him/her.

I know it's usually sloppy proofreading, but it drives me completely insane.

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

Hee! I'm all for "practice makes perfect" and encouraging writers to expand their horizons, write beyond their comfort zones, etc. [Please recall this if ever you should happen upon a sad attempt by me at descriptive writing]. It's just that "practice" doesn't mean "insert haphazardly into every fic". *nods*

Oh, my ... please don't let me discourage you from writing smex. I may have an angry mob after me! *pictures Harry & Draco unable to keep their hands off each other* Mmmm ...

Um ... what was I saying?

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

It was either Men at Arms or Guards! Guards! (both Corgi, IIRC) -- I read both yesterday. >.>

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

The worst was when I took an afternoon writing seminar: it was so hard to write about something that didn't involve either (a) Harry and Draco or (b) gay sex or potential gay sex.

We were supposed to write a short passage from which everyone was supposed to guess the subject's occupation. One woman wrote something about "probing fingers" and I almost laughed out loud! Turned out she was talking about a surgeon.

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

Really? *blinks* Do tell! :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

No, they don't.

It's so hard with the terrible language ones. On the one hand. some people are just lazy or stupid.

But on the other hand there are a lot for whom English is a second or third language and they often have betas in the same category, and some of them write amazing stories despite weirdnesses in the language.

But a few times I have read a few hundred words into what I thought was the second sort of fic, only to find it was the first with a thesaurus. AAAARRRGH!

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

I don't get the strict top/bottom demarcation. No, that's not real life! And I always feel sorry for the guy who never gets to be the penetrator. I don't know why they would be so resistant to switching positions.

The only safe place for men to cry is in slash fiction, where they're free to launch into tearful declarations of love at any given moment. ;)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh YES! I'll allow the occasional typo, but the ones that have regular Dumbeldores ...

And you're quite right about there being no point flaming the actual fics, besides, this is more fun!

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

do share the meta rants
In a nutshell, Slytherins are neither cool nor awesome just because they wear green and live in a dungeon. Also, judging from the families represented, they're clearly the conservative group, so them starting Student Revolutions OMG! and being into alternative lifestyles en masse is a little hard to swallow if one's actually paid attention to the HP books. But really I could go on forever, especially about Snape-as-misunderstood-woobie-who's-really-fluffy-on-the-inside. Or automagically-homophobic!Ron and why it Makes So Much Sense. Grargh.

boys turning into girls
People always complain that there's not enough femmeslash in HP, but I actually think there's a LOT of femmeslash in HP, it's just most of it tries to call itself slash by cleverly attaching penii (penises??) to the women.

Speaking of foreskins, I remember there was once this fic somewhere (AFF.net? Probably.) where Seamus (or Colin?) combed through Harry's foreskin with his fingers, which, ow, and then the author described how black and wiry the foreskin was. At that point I realised we were dealing with a case of mistaken foreskin identity but I've given up on ever being rid of the mental image. D:

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Please tell me you guessed rentboy.

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness I kept my mouth shut. She did seem a bit taken aback when I asked if she was a romance writer, though.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Kenya in the 70s, baby and medium-sized elephants from herds that had been shot up by fucking poachers. I helped with the feeding, and the babies thought I was very amusing because I was little and would squeal with laughter when their trunks tickled me looking for food in my pockets. I had a lot of experience bottle-feeding animals from the horses and cows on the farm, so I was remotely useful!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

HE WAS WEARING A PENIS MERKIN!!!!

Ron is one of the least likely to homophobic characters in canon. Not only is there his gay uncle and clearly gay brother Charlie (dedicated dragon keeper is code, I tell you!), but his whole family ethos is about acceptance. They may be poor, but they are genteel and well-bred poor. Loads of confirmed bachelors in that family.

Snape as woobie is hysterical!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

She could make a fortune ..

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Hey, if I can make a fortune writing about probing fingers, I'd do it too!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*falls over laughing*

And you made me have to look up this Isambard Kingdom Brunel! Even if I could get it from context. ^_^ I love it when writing makes me do that.

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

I almost laughed out loud!

I'm impressed that you didn't!

I'm doing RL writing, and I'll admit that there are times I just don't have the same enthusiasm for my characters that I do for H/D. Then again, once you've passed the tenth re-read/edit, the excitement wanes a bit. *sighs* I suspect adding gay sex into a mid-grade children's novel probably wouldn't wow the publishers.