Flames I have not written ...
Jun. 23rd, 2008 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:04 pm (UTC)I wrote a letter once which he corrected (oh, yes, he went there!) I pointed out that no, actually, his run-on-sentence masquerading as a paragraph was not an improvement. Nor was this really long word which didn't mean what he thought it did.
I don't think anyone ever corrected him before. I, rather tactfully for me, pointed out that I could (a) leave it as it was, or (b) make his changes, but change the name to his, because I refused to send out a letter to a supplier/customer (can't recall which) like that. He relented and never reviewed a letter of mine again. :D
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:26 pm (UTC)I'd like to add some art related thoughts I've never typed:
* Have you ever seen a real naked man? Please sign up for life drawing before you post again.
* Cuteness is like pink walls in institutional settings. Psychological tests confirm it only soothes for a short amount of time, then it makes people violent.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:38 pm (UTC)And the cuteness often hurts. Why so much manga? Why?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:53 pm (UTC)and might I suggest a beta who SPEAKS THE FRICKING LANGUAGE AND KNOWS THAT A PERIOD GOES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE!!!!!
For the love of god - do you not realize you suck? Please do us all a favor and stop posting.
Harsh, I know - but so fitting of what I was reading.
I only hope people don't say the same about me.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 12:54 pm (UTC)But the one that immediately makes me froth at the mouth:
* If you cannot spell the character's name, you should not be writing fiction about him/her.
I know it's usually sloppy proofreading, but it drives me completely insane.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:03 pm (UTC)Oh, my ... please don't let me discourage you from writing smex. I may have an angry mob after me! *pictures Harry & Draco unable to keep their hands off each other* Mmmm ...
Um ... what was I saying?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:10 pm (UTC)We were supposed to write a short passage from which everyone was supposed to guess the subject's occupation. One woman wrote something about "probing fingers" and I almost laughed out loud! Turned out she was talking about a surgeon.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:14 pm (UTC)It's so hard with the terrible language ones. On the one hand. some people are just lazy or stupid.
But on the other hand there are a lot for whom English is a second or third language and they often have betas in the same category, and some of them write amazing stories despite weirdnesses in the language.
But a few times I have read a few hundred words into what I thought was the second sort of fic, only to find it was the first with a thesaurus. AAAARRRGH!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:15 pm (UTC)The only safe place for men to cry is in slash fiction, where they're free to launch into tearful declarations of love at any given moment. ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:15 pm (UTC)And you're quite right about there being no point flaming the actual fics, besides, this is more fun!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:20 pm (UTC)In a nutshell, Slytherins are neither cool nor awesome just because they wear green and live in a dungeon. Also, judging from the families represented, they're clearly the conservative group, so them starting Student Revolutions OMG! and being into alternative lifestyles en masse is a little hard to swallow if one's actually paid attention to the HP books. But really I could go on forever, especially about Snape-as-misunderstood-woobie-who's-really-fluffy-on-the-inside. Or automagically-homophobic!Ron and why it Makes So Much Sense. Grargh.
boys turning into girls
People always complain that there's not enough femmeslash in HP, but I actually think there's a LOT of femmeslash in HP, it's just most of it tries to call itself slash by cleverly attaching penii (penises??) to the women.
Speaking of foreskins, I remember there was once this fic somewhere (AFF.net? Probably.) where Seamus (or Colin?) combed through Harry's foreskin with his fingers, which, ow, and then the author described how black and wiry the foreskin was. At that point I realised we were dealing with a case of mistaken foreskin identity but I've given up on ever being rid of the mental image. D:
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:29 pm (UTC)Ron is one of the least likely to homophobic characters in canon. Not only is there his gay uncle and clearly gay brother Charlie (dedicated dragon keeper is code, I tell you!), but his whole family ethos is about acceptance. They may be poor, but they are genteel and well-bred poor. Loads of confirmed bachelors in that family.
Snape as woobie is hysterical!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:49 pm (UTC)And you made me have to look up this Isambard Kingdom Brunel! Even if I could get it from context. ^_^ I love it when writing makes me do that.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-23 01:52 pm (UTC)I'm impressed that you didn't!
I'm doing RL writing, and I'll admit that there are times I just don't have the same enthusiasm for my characters that I do for H/D. Then again, once you've passed the tenth re-read/edit, the excitement wanes a bit. *sighs* I suspect adding gay sex into a mid-grade children's novel probably wouldn't wow the publishers.