Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

He was SO COOL!! Glad I made you laugh!

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it wouldn't wow the publishers: did you hear about the uproar over the Newbery-award winning pre-teen book that happened to use the word "scrotum" in relation to a dog? I was so amused by this that I had to borrow a sentence from the book (where the heroine thinks about "scrotum" sounding "medical and secret, but also important") and put it in a fic.

So, what are you working on with your RL writing? I had an idea for a novel but so far I haven't gotten beyond a huge outline and character sketches.

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

I assume it's popular because it tests for technical proficiency, like academic drawing of classical reproductions in the 19th century. Yes, I am a secret manga-hater. If someone has executed it well, I'll give them props, but the deluge of it makes me cringe.

To be fair, I could easily flame myself:
* Googily-eyes are a cheap substitute for emotive portraiture.
* Take life drawing until you resolve your neck proportion issues. You're not exactly El Greco.
* Get a beta or make your comics language-free.
* Charge your real camera and use the tripod to photograph your work. Aliased darks are ugly.

[aunt-agatha.livejournal.com]

Alas! I'm not cut out for polygamy either. :(

[literalgrl.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha, OMG I love this post. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's boggled by some of the stuff people write. And get excellent reviews on. And I'm sitting there going - ...omg, whut?!

[raedragonstar.livejournal.com]

I can't stop laughing now, thank you.

Don't have any flames to add, but then again, I tend to be very careful in choosing what I read. I avoid things not up to my standards.

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

I'm late to the game but oh this made me smile, having read a very bad fic in the not too distant past. I never flame because of my oft-stated opinions on the fandom as a community but man, does my hubby (who really isn't interested) often hear a good rant about shitty fic.

I loved this: Have you ever actually seen a penis? and yes yes yes! to the complaint that some people think anal sex is exactly the same as vaginal. You know what is very difficult for a virgin to do - climb on top of his boyfriend and impale himself on said bf's cock without any lube and then rock himself to a prostate-rubbing-induced orgasm. That is SO not how first time anal sex goes!!

My biggest rant is probably pet names - if I see Harry call Draco 'angel' one more time, I might scream. It's bad enough that they use them but they use them in every single sentence.

Harry: Oh angel, I never knew what love was until I met you.
Draco: Oh baby, I know. You are my world, love. You have saved me from the darkness and I am yours body and soul.
Harry: Yes! Yes! We are soulmates. It is so clear, angel. My soul cries when we are apart!
Draco: My soul tears and bleeds without you, love.

I read a fic a while back that was a rape fic - summary was all "Draco helps Harry through his emotional recovery after a sexual attack" and I was like "Ooo! Psych-y!" and ugh. Harry was all "You can't love me. I'm dirty, angel, dirty and bad." and Draco was all "No, baby, no. You're not dirty. I love you" (sadly this is no exaggeration) and I barfed and then quickly clicked away from the story. The worst part is, I found it on a rec list that I would have expected more from. *sighs*

And I totally second that if you can't spell their names, you have no business writing about them.

But, much like the hd_inspired squicks, I must confess I saw myself in some of these comments and had moments of deep, deep shame. *is in need of head pets* lol

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Yah I know, the writing will have to be small but you and I will know what the text says.

I prefer to allocate sexual positions according to a roster which is aligned to the AFL calendar (oho! you should see the fireworks then Collingwood have a home game ...)

I have actually seen men cry, once or twice, but it's massively awkward and - as you say - never spoken of again. And it usually takes something more than unrequited love to make them do it in company - in my experience anyway.

Black humour is the cement of any good relationship, isn't it?

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

I agree - surely one would at least be curious to try the other perspective?

Oh no, they are not safe there, not safe from my wrathful reviews, my resentful glare, my venemous hiss of "out of character!".

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

Oh, ffs! For using the anatomically correct (certainly not offensive) word "scrotum"?! And in reference to a dog, no less! She's like Howard Stern?! Has that woman ever HEARD Howard Stern?! While the absurdity of it is amusing, I'm disgusted that librarians would jump all over this.

Okay ... I must know what fic that was and I shall go read it. :D

Good on her for the increase in book sales as a result, though. She's certainly going to have the last laugh. I think she DEFINITELY should appear on Letterman! I would jump at that chance. Hmm ...
*ponders his Top Ten list of body parts you can't use in children's books*

RL - I have a few on the go, but the initial one is the first in a series of mid-grade books on time travel. The summary and first three chapters are currently with a publisher for review (but not for consideration at this time). I should receive the written assessment when I attend a writers' conference in a couple of weeks, and a follow-up telephone consultation before the end of August.

I have other projects that cover numerous genres and are at various stages in the writing process. I've jotted down ideas, written scenes, done character sketches and plot outlines as they've come to me over the years, but I never made myself focus on the completion of any one project until last year, when I decided to go with my latest idea and see it through.

What is your novel about?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Maybe you could have one of those animated ones ...

I can see the AFL thing. Another reason to like Collingwood ...

I'll never forget the first time I saw my father cry, it was as though there were fewer certainties in the world. Though comedy worked to cheer him back up. The funny thing was that with tears on his cheeks, he made no acknowledgment of the fact that he was crying, nor that I could obviously see it.

But yes, for him, for J, for my grandfathers and my good male friends, it is severe pain, death and truly horrible things (Rabin's assassination being one) that have made the eyes mist over. Not having a tanty.

I did have a boyfriend who used to cry a fair bit; he was the ALP tosser. IT WAS A SIGN, if only I had been sober enough to spot it before I wasted so much time.

Without black humour, I would have no relationships, as I wouldn't have anyone I could really talk to.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

SENDS HEAD PET, and never fear, you never approach the levels of the sinners we think of.

God the pet names! Another one I wholly forgot! You are SO right. And that fic sounds ... dreadful ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

At least half the reviews are spelt OMG UR SO AWSUM!!! So you know they have found their natural audience. For the rest of the time people are just kind. I nearly wrote a nice review for one of the dreadful stories, because NO ONE was commenting on it, then someone else did and I wanted to send them a bunch of flowers. Niceness will kill me one day.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome. I decided it was for the best to get it all out there, and I am so pleased that others have joined in!

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

I know... it was unbelievable! What's next, someone objecting to the word "breast"?

My fic that uses that sentence is What Lies Beneath, which was a short crackfic written before DH - it's about the hiding place for the last Horcrux. ;)

Wow, your book is with a publisher? I'm impressed.

My novel is the_lgc: The League of the Green Carnation. You can friend it if you want to check out details, though it hasn't been active since last year. Originally, it was about two rival groups of sorcerers (one in the US, one in the UK)in the year 1910; then, after some feedback, I completely dumped the magical element to go with the subplot of a gay romance. So it's basically a historical novel about these two young men in love, and how it affects them, their families, and the society they live in. (And it's an excuse to write slash, though I know it's not the most marketable genre in the world!)

After I decided to change the plot, though, I lost a lot of steam, and am hoping to recover my inspiration at some point. I just need to write the damn thing, but I keep getting distracted by writing fanfic.

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

LOL that sounds fun. Except for the poachers. *frownface*

Someone should have written an Animagus fic with Elephant!Harry. Except, it would have been a little hard to explain, but not impossible. :P

[fourth_rose]

Oh, brilliant! *applauds wildly*

I hardly ever run into things that would make me want to use one from your list because I'm rather quick with the backbutton, but there's this:

"Okay, you're the greatest poet since the Bard and just one step away from making the sea fall silent and the stones weep with the heart-wrenching beauty of your writing. I GET IT. Can we get on with the story now, please?"

[romaine24.livejournal.com]

I can get through most stories if there's a decent plot. Therefore, the flames I never send are...

For WIPs: Do you have any idea where this story is leading to or do you get off on verbal masturbation?

For Finished stories (not PWPs): Um, maybe a PWP would have been a better route. or *Yawn*

[lalaith-niniel.livejournal.com]

We must leave them their internet. Otherwise they will leave their homes!

I concede you have a very good point. Just so long as no one takes away my back button, I suppose I shall survive.

[tnumfive.livejournal.com]

I read a fic where a girl was giving a blow job and bit. Hard according to the author. And on purpose. I'm pretty old school and still go by the "boys should NEVER hit a girl" rule, but in this case I think I'd let it slide.

What was even more baffling, the guy seemed to like it.

[lilliputian722.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...I have no idea which fic you are referring to, but I sure would love to know what could inspire such thoughts! LMAO!

[anabellhenry.livejournal.com]

Oh God! Thank you for this post. I have three incomplete rants on my computer, all written within the last week concerning crap like this.

My two biggest irritations:

First, I want to know what's up with beta readers. Either authors are pretending their fest fics were read and corrected by beta readers, or else 75% of the beta readers out there should, as you suggest to authors above, turn to accountancy. Gross or no grammar correction, missed spelling errors, ignored lost words, punctuation and bits of sentences, etc. I won't even get into the roll of helpful editor.

Second, (I've actually ranted about this one before, but it really bothers me) why do people complete stories but only post them one chapter at a time? Is it to extend the amount of time an author is in the limelight? Is it because the author assumes we won't read the entire thing if we can't read it in one go? Is it because the author figures we're slow, stupid readers? The practice strikes me as unbelievably arrogant.

Thank you for the opportunity to get that off my chest!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome, and excellent rants, both!

With respect to the second one, I had always assumed it was so they could ensure a higher comment count all the way through on the cynical side, and build audience involvement through suspense on the non-cynical side.

Having never once had an idea where a story was actually going before I started posting it (or sending it off to be beta-ed in the case of fest fics), I do admire their discipline, but it's a weird practice!

Ooh, I had a question for you: do you use a Canon G9 to shoot with? I am contemplating buying one and wondered how you find it. Thanks!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh YES!

Actually, that should be sent out as a note to all modern literary authors, too ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I have just had the most horrible thought; what if they DO and the people we think of as just bad writers are actually sitting there with family packs of tissues and an enormous smile on their faces?

Thanks for that, you are a bad influence!