Flames I have not written ...
Jun. 23rd, 2008 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blamebramptonThere have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever. I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.
So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.
* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.
* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.
* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.
* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.
* No Malfoy would ever shop there.
* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.
* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.
* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?
* Have you ever actually seen a penis?
* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.
* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.
What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-06-24 03:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 03:36 am (UTC)*headdesk*
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Date: 2008-06-24 03:37 am (UTC)So yeah... I love it.
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Date: 2008-06-24 03:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 04:42 am (UTC)I imagine Draco says something like: "Figures, Potter, you always wanted everyone to see you."
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Date: 2008-06-24 04:56 am (UTC)Mei
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Date: 2008-06-24 10:44 am (UTC)Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one of the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.
Yes, yes, yes!
I will also add:
'Here, have some punctuation. Also a dictionary. And a thesaurus. And an encyclopaedia or two, because Wikipedia seems to be lying to you.'
'Harry's name is not love, honey, sweetheart or baby - definitely, definitely not baby. Draco's is not Platinum-Orbed, Moonlight-Clad Slytherin. Or Drake, god forbid. Neither goes by the name of Lavender Brown. Please consider amending your summary to LB/LB crack!fic, or send the whole thing to me and I'll happily halve your wordcount.'
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Date: 2008-06-24 11:48 am (UTC)And clearly you made it that far out of a misplaced sense of charity, one with which I sympathise wholly.
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Date: 2008-06-24 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 12:02 pm (UTC)To be fair, some of my gay friends do have nicknames for each other, but they are all along the lines of snotface and doofusfeatures.
As for the first, oh YES. And not just in fandom. I worked on one mag where I went to pull up a writer who wrote: "Cocktails were first popular in the US in the mid-17th century, where they were served as refreshments at cockfights."
I was kind, I pointed out that there was no US in the 17th century, and that Puritans were known neither for their hard drinking nor gambling habits. "But it was on the internet!" he wailed.
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Date: 2008-06-24 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-24 05:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 06:29 am (UTC)But since you've got this list here and convenient, how about:
.01 Clarify for me. Are you describing males or females? Because I'm pretty sure my male friends would rather cut their throats than speak or act like twelve-year-old girls.
.02 *cue Inigo 'hello, my name is' Montoya*: I do not think that means what you think it means.
.03 Sanzo Genjyo does not converse in fangirl Japanese. Ever.
.04 Many people can and do have sex without screaming each other's names, begging for more, declaring undying love, etc. No, really.
Sorry about the fandom-specific one. Most of my fandoms are anime-based, and those spawn ten times the badfic that HP does. But since you're an H/D fan, allow me to top off this spleen-venting with a line that prompted a rant which had many people of both sexes clutching the lower portions of their anatomy in protective response. It's not quite your Have you even seen a penis?--but close enough for government work.
"Harry slid his member into Malfoy's testicular cavity."
Oh, the bad. It kills.
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Date: 2008-06-25 06:33 am (UTC)I could not agree with number two more. It's unforgivable in these days on online dictionaries, too!
As for your quote: OW! That person went to one of those religious schools that frown on sex education, didn't they?
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Date: 2008-06-25 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 09:23 pm (UTC)I remember reading fic in which the author loved to put commas and periods in the most random of places and others in which the entire fic consisted of fragments.
Description and detail is lovely, but I rather doubt Harry would spend over 10 sentences considering Draco's beauty. When I see paragraphs inches in length beginning with the words, "His eyes/hair/face/part of body...", I weep at the sheer agony.
Also, people, ever heard of a thesaurus? I understand that you may have a strange addiction to a certain word (perhaps you think it makes you sound clever?), but seeing "great" or "said" used a thousand times in ONE chapter is just poor writing. Helpful hint, it's shift+F7 in Word.
My last item of ire: eyes. They are eyes, not orbs. They are a part of the human body, not a dessert: chocolate colored they may be, but "melting chocolate orbs" they are not, unless you are writing an extremely odd horror story.
Ahhhhh--that made me feel much better! Thank you for this opportunity!
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Date: 2008-06-26 12:29 am (UTC)Oh you are so right with your comments! Though I have a terrible habit of 'said'; comes from journalism. I shall be more careful! Chocolate orbs makes me want a packet of Maltesers ...
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Date: 2008-06-26 02:51 am (UTC)Nah, your fics are ok. They're awesomely long, so the use of said more than the usual is inevitable. You use enough other ways to present dialogue that I don't even notice! <3
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Date: 2008-06-28 08:12 pm (UTC)I just creeped myself out.
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Date: 2008-06-29 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 11:45 pm (UTC)The Eye of Argon
When you're done clawing out your eyeballs, I'll be hiding somewhere far away from you. :D
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Date: 2008-06-29 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 11:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 11:57 pm (UTC)