blamebrampton

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the fabulous

shiv5468 ! Alas, I have not finished the next chapter of your fic, because I am crap.

However, I have finished the first chapter of

raitala 's birthday fic, and it will make you laugh, too. Or despair for my sanity. Possibly both.

So, in honour of two of the coollest chicks in fandom, I present the first 3100-odd words of a very silly story, in which two Death Eaters come into possession of one baby. This is all

raitala 's fault, as her response to the anti-mpreg fic was this idea. I should definitely have ignored this one and put all my efforts into the Rai-Brammers-Viggo Mortensen housing co-op instead, but here you have it.

Lucius Malfoy felt the third-largest surprise of his life when he looked down on the Manor doorstep that morning.

The first-largest had occurred when he had been cleared of all charges after the war. He knew that to be an astonishing, if fortunate, miscarriage of justice when looked at in the abstract – rather than the more useful as pertaining to Malfoys – sense and had put the cause at the feet of his wife and Potter’s gratitude towards her.

Said wife had provided the second largest surprise a few weeks later when she had packed bags for herself and their son and departed on an extensive tour of the Continent, explicitly noting that he was not invited.

So, while the bundled infant on the doorstep was something of a shock, especially when he considered that none of the extensive wards surrounding the Manor had been triggered, Lucius was well practiced at dealing with the unexpected now, and recovered magnificently.

‘Iggle!’ he shouted. ‘Come here!’

A small house-elf appeared at his feet. ‘Yes Master?’ it asked.

‘What do you call that?’ Lucius demanded, pointing.

‘Iggle is seeing a baby in a basket, Master,’ the house-elf said. ‘With a note.’

‘Which says?’

Iggle reached down and pulled the folded sheet of parchment from the basket. His bulging eyes widened, and his Adam’s apple bobbed nervously up and down. ‘It says … um … it says …’

‘Oh give it here,’ Lucius said, snatching the note from his servant’s hand.

Yours, said the note.

The surprise moved up Lucius Malfoy’s list.

‘Bring that,’ he snapped at Iggle, before turning and stalking through the entry hall.

A few minutes later, and after a spot of stomping had succeeded the stalking, he rapped smartly on a guestroom door in the unfashionable North Wing.

A grunt answered him. Lucius repeated the rapping.

‘Go away!’ demanded a groggy voice.

It was loud enough to wake the sleeping infant, who proceeded to bawl on cue.

A rustling sound came from within the room, followed by heavy footsteps and the door opening. A head hidden behind a curtain of lank black hair poked round the edge of the door and looked down.

‘What is that?’ a voice issuing from the head murmured.

Iggle held the basket up. ‘It is a baby, Professor Snape, Sir,’ he said, helpfully.

‘One of your by-blows, apparently,’ Lucius sneered.

Severus raised his head slightly, peering out down a long and disdainful nose. ‘I don’t think so,’ he announced, and closed the door.

Lucius glared first at the timber panelling and then down at the quietening infant and house-elf. A second thought occurred to him. A slow smile followed the thought.

‘To my library, Iggle.’

It took him ten minutes, but Lucius had both of his letters ready by the time the express owl arrived. He dropped some Galleons into the owl’s purse, then stood back while the owl leaned down to press the small portkey attached to its leg.

‘Done,’ he declared. ‘Iggle, bring me some tea. And some of those little cakes I like.’

Iggle looked up nervously.

‘Well? Why are you still here?’

‘Please, Master, Iggle is wondering what Iggle should do with the baby.’

Lucius rolled his eyes. ‘Has it gone back to sleep?’

‘Yes, Master.’

‘Is it clean?’

‘Yes, Master.’

‘You can leave it here for the moment,’ Lucius allowed.

Iggle bowed, and disappeared. Lucius looked at the small creature in the basket. It had little hair, but appeared to be fair. It was well-formed and pale-skinned.

‘As long as your mother isn’t a Muggle,’ he told it.

Severus joined him shortly after the tea arrived. Iggle had brought enough for three, Master often had unexpected guests was the rule in Malfoy Manor. Of course, that rule had not been strictly true for the last year, Master had an unexpected guest was more accurate. Though he was so astonishingly unexpected that he probably counted as several.

‘Still have that baby, I see,’ Severus muttered as he poured himself a cup and took a raspberry friand from the plate.

“I found it at the door. It had a note, saying “yours”,’ Lucius informed him.

‘Well, well well …’ Severus smirked. ‘And here I thought you hated visiting Knockturn Alley and did it out of a sense of duty for my Potions ingredients.’

‘Oh don’t be ridiculous, it’s not mine. I thought it was yours.’

‘Obviously not, I’ve been here the whole time, and hardly in the shape to go out on the pull.’

‘Yes, well, I was very surprised and leapt to a false conclusion. I’ve sorted it out now.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘Draco,’ Lucius said with a small smile.

Severus looked at him. For a long moment. And then a little more. ‘Really?’ he asked at last, with only the faintest hint of sarcasm touching his tone.

‘Why not?’ Lucius replied, with a hint of pride.

Severus chose his words carefully. ‘It just seems out of character for the boy.’

‘Oh I admit it’s irresponsible, and flies in the face of everything I taught him about managing the lineage, but you’re only young once. If the witch is from a good family, then I don’t see why we can’t just pretend they were married abroad last year in a quiet ceremony. The paperwork can be bought.’

Severus blinked. ‘Quite. More tea?’

‘Yes, thank you. Sweet little thing, isn’t it?’

‘I suppose. Is it a boy or a girl?’

Lucius blinked this time. ‘I have no idea.’

‘You could check.’

‘It’s sleeping so peacefully, seems silly to disturb it.’

Severus nodded and returned to his tea. ‘So,’ he ventured after a while, ‘have you informed your son?’

‘I wrote to Draco and Narcissa before you left your room, I should hear back from them shortly.’

‘Well, I’ll wait with you,’ Severus declared, with no self-interest that Lucius could spot.

It should have been one of his top three surprises to have come home from Hogwarts after the war ended to find a near-dead Severus Snape collapsed in the entrance hall, with Iggle tending him nervously. But in all honesty, he would have been more surprised if Severus had truly been dead. The man’s gift for survival was astonishing. No one else had been able to manipulate the Dark Lord; that he had eluded him one last time was actually satisfying.

Draco and Narcissa knew, but to everyone else Snape was dead and disappeared. Lucius did not mind taking on the effort and expense of Severus’s rehabilitation, he knew the only reason that Draco had lived through the war was that he had enjoyed the protection of his House Master.

It was another fifteen minutes before an owl tapped at the window. Lucius opened it, retrieved the two messages tied to its leg, and deposited a suitable sum of coin in the pouch that was waggled at him.

He turned to Severus and displayed the two folded sets of parchment. ‘It will all become clear in a moment,’ he said, and undid Draco’s letter with a smile.

Draco’s letter was short.

If you knew me at all, Father, you would know how astonishingly unlikely that is. – D

Narcissa’s was much thicker, and Lucius allowed a smile as he savoured his name in her handwriting. His brave and beautiful wife would come home. She would explain the mystery. She would sort the whole baby situation, move back into their bedroom, and things would go back to how they should be.

He levered the wax seal from the paper with his thumb, preserving the impression made by her ring. Unfolding the parchment, he read the first page.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

Frowning, Lucius turned to the second page.

…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! it said.

He turned to the third page. It was different.

It read: Or, in Italian, ah ah! With love, Narcissa.

Lucius looked up. Severus was watching him with interest.

‘Apparently it’s news to them,’ Lucius told him.

‘Hilarious news,’ said Severus, pointing at a dropped leaf of Narcissa’s letter.

‘Yes, quite.’

‘So, what now?’

Lucius picked up the dropped leaf, folded the letters and put them inside his desk. Then he sat down and looked seriously at the baby in the basket.

‘At least it’s quiet,’ he observed.

Which, of course, was the cue for an astonishing smell to envelop the room, and the infant to let loose a high-pitched wail.

‘At least its lungs are healthy,’ Severus replied, betraying only the very faintest hint of enjoyment.

One of the advantages to being a Malfoy was being able to afford the best of everything and having space to store it until it was next needed. Iggle was summoned, then sent off to find nappies, a cradle and some clothes for the small guest.

He reappeared quickly, and Lucius took on the task of changing the infant himself.

‘You’re surprisingly good at that,’ Severus observed.

‘Narcissa insisted I help with Draco. Some days she was so tired I did all the changes. We’ll need to feed her, you know.’

‘Her?’

‘Definitely. Can you whip up a nourishing potion?’

‘She’d do better with a wet nurse.’

‘Not really an option at the moment. I’m hardly inviting anyone else in while you’re here, and until I discover where she’s from, I’m not about to hand her over into anyone else’s care.’

‘I could leave,’ Severus offered haltingly.

‘Very noble, I am sure, but try not to be ridiculous. There’s fresh milk in the kitchen, what else will you need?’

‘Fenugreek, egg, a little olive oil, stir with a phoenix feather. It’s all in stock, the work of ten minutes. And I take it from your look that now would be a good time.’

‘Given recent events, it seems reasonable to assume she’s on her way to being empty.’

Severus hauled himself up from his chair, casting an amused glance at Lucius and the baby in his arms as he did so.

‘Hush,’ Lucius said. ‘I’m just quietening her down and we’ll work out what to do with her once she goes back to sleep.’

‘Of course we will.’

Lucius waited until the door was fully closed before jiggling the baby he held. ‘Don’t you listen to the bad man. He’s gone to make you a lovely drink and you will drink it all up then have a lovely long nap in your little cradle. And then I’ll work out where on earth you came from and have a serious chat with your parents. Because who abandons a sweet little poppet like you on a big bad Death Eater’s doorstep?’

Lucius looked searchingly at the baby, but did not expect an answer. He continued: ‘A silly sausage, that’s who. Yes indeed, a silly sausage is the person who left you there. Can you say silly? Can you say sausage? Can you say big bad Uncle Severus has a crooked nose? I bet you can inside your head, oh yes you can.’

‘Ahem …’

Lucius looked up sharply at the small cough. Iggle was standing there, looking down at a small spot on the carpet.

‘Yes, Iggle?’ Lucius asked, in a voice that managed to convey displeasure without any hint of a tone that would scare the baby.

‘Iggle is wondering if Master would like Iggle to send for Nursie?’

There was such a long pause that Iggle looked up, straight into the surprised eyes of Lucius.

‘I never thought that I would say this, Iggle. But that is a good idea. Off you go.’

Severus returned to the library first, two nursing bottles of potion held close to his chest. ‘It’s exactly blood warm at the moment, so get as much as you can into her,’ he instructed.

Lucius took the first bottle, sat in his wing-backed chair, and began to feed the baby.

‘You’re good at that, too,’ Severus said.

‘I know you like to picture me as a useless figure bumbling ineffectively around the Manor, Severus, but I would remind you that I am both a father and a countryman, and so some level of competency is necessary.’

‘But you normally just snuff the peacocks when something goes wrong with them.’

‘That’s spite, not incompetency. There is a difference. Pass the other bottle, she’s almost finished this one.’

‘Little piglet. So, if it’s not ours …’

‘She’s.’

‘Sorry, if she’s neither of ours, not Draco’s, and Narcissa has no idea where she came from, who do you think left her there?’

Lucius frowned. ‘I’ve been thinking on that. Who ever it was, they have been here before. No one can make it through the wards without the Manor recognising them.’

Severus peered at the small, sucking face. ‘You don’t think it could be Miss Granger’s?’

Lucius looked down in horror, then slowly relaxed. ‘No. For a start, Miss Granger always struck me as the sort of girl who would be most definite about contraception. Secondly, this child is most definitely blonde. Not a hint of ginger or brunette fuzzball about her.’

‘Luna Lovegood was in the dungeons for a long time …’ Severus ventured. ‘With the Thomas boy, too.’

‘Timing is wrong and skin colour right out.’

‘And Ollivander, don’t forget.’

‘I am afraid I shall probably not be able to forget that no matter how hard I try. No, this child is too small, and my wife was very good about making sure Miss Lovegood was at the very least unmolested during her unfortunate stay with us. But that’s not to say she couldn’t have returned to the Manor, she was a young witch of impressive skill if I recall correctly.’

‘Agreed, albeit utterly bonkers. I hear she took up with Neville Longbottom after the war.’

Lucius smiled down at the infant in his arms. ‘Augusta will be furious. Excellent.’

He finished feeding her, then handed her to a surprised Severus. ‘Hold her upright against your shoulder. And burp her again, the way I just did, but don’t rush her or the whole lot will come back up.’

Severus looked at him, horrified. ‘How will I know I know if I’m doing it wrong? Will she say something? Will she do something?’

‘I’ll tell you. Relax, I’m just writing a letter, I’m not leaving you alone with the baby.’

‘That’s good. Because you know you cannot do that. At all, ever.’

‘But you’d make a marvellous father, Severus.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘Yes, I am. And I was hoping your response would be more amusing.’

‘You worry me.’

Lucius went back to his desk and removed ink, quill and parchment from their respective slots. He penned a short letter, then turned and read it to Severus: ‘“Believe you left something at the Manor, please feel free to come and collect. Yours, Lucius Malfoy.” What do you think?’

‘Cryptic and succinct, of course I like it.’

‘Marvellous. I’d have Iggle send it, but he’s off fetching Nursie.’

‘Nursie?’

‘Oh yes, I think the think the situation warrants it, don’t you?’

‘I wouldn’t know. Give me an eleven year old and I can teach it. As far as I am concerned, babies make noises, smell and mess.’

‘You’re not far off,’ Lucius admitted. He opened the library window and let out a piercing whistle. A small owl flew down and landed on the windowsill. Lucius tied the scroll to its leg and sent it on its way.

‘Here, give her back to me.’

Severus handed the infant back to Lucius, then stared in disgust at the white mark on his shoulder.

‘Oh it’s just a bit of milk, I’ve seen you up to your elbows in bile, this hardly compares.’

‘It smells.’

‘Wipe it off.’

‘It’s persistent.’

‘Call yourself a Death Eater. Oh don’t get huffy.’ Lucius put the baby back into her basket and went and spelled the teapot warm, poured a cup of tea and put three cakes on a plate. He handed them to Severus. ‘Here. Sorry. Call yourself a courageous double agent who helped turn the tide of the war and saved many of us from the hideous fate we had been stupid enough to damn ourselves to.’

‘That’s better,’ Severus said, crankily, taking the tea and cakes.

Lucius jiggled the baby’s basket and attempted to make her smile while Severus ate and drank. After ten minutes, Severus sniffed impatiently.

‘If I forgive you, will you cease the atonal humming and asinine face-pulling?’ he asked.

‘It helps with their social development!’ Lucius exclaimed. ‘I’m not doing it for my benefit, it’s to sharpen her pre-speech communication skills!’

Severus’s face was that of a man who has lived too long and seen too many dark things. He drew a deep breath before he spoke. ‘You are aware that in all likelihood, this child will be returned from whence she came within the hour?’

‘Yes, of course,’ said Lucius, dangling his ponytail above the infant’s grasping hands. ‘But I would like it to be obvious that she has not merely been treated well while under our care, she has thrived!’

‘Merlin help me …’ Severus said into his cuffs.

As it turned out, it was an hour and a half before an owl appeared with Miss Lovegood’s reply:
Dear Mr Malfoy
Thank you for your kind thoughtfulness. I did indeed leave in such a hurry that my butterbeer cork necklace was left behind. I would be happy to come and collect it or pay for postage if that is more convenient for you. I gave the stuffed rabbit to Draco as a gift, but if he has finished needing it, I would be glad to give it a home back here, too.
Best wishes, Luna.

Lucius looked up at Severus. ‘Either she’s utterly mad, or she is a brilliant and subtle creature playing a long game.’

‘I would say both.’

‘She’s drawn little hearts around her name.’

‘There I think she is deliberately goading you.’

‘I can’t begrudge her that, we did lock her in my cellar.’

‘Quite.’

Lucius reached down and lifted the baby from the basket. ‘So this means that you are all alone in the world,’ he addressed her.

‘Steady on,’ warned Severus. ‘We’ve hardly exhausted all available avenues of investigation!’

The baby gooed at Lucius.

Lucius smiled at the baby.

He cradled her against his shoulder and tickled her under her chin. ‘I shall call her Lucia!’ he announced.

At that moment there was a crack and two house-elves Apparated into the room. One of them was Iggle, the other a wrinkled crone of an elf, the famous Nursie, who moved from Pureblood family to Pureblood family, tending their young.

She looked between the two wizards, surveying the scene. After a moment, she spoke: ‘Nursie is here, what is it you need?’

And while Lucius opened his mouth and seemed on the verge of a request, he was too slow. Severus’s rich tones filled the room: ‘Arsenic. And a good Firewhiskey chaser.’

***************