blamebrampton

And … we're back. And we seem to be at the New Year's Concert. Fair enough. I had been thinking last year fled abnormally swiftly. It's Beethoven's Ninth and flaming torches – erm, is that a Hanseatic League reference? A lit-up representation of beautiful Vienna for credits, and now CONCHITA! With a graphiccy thingy-whatsit of a mysterious glowing round object making its way across Austria, which really is staggeringly beautiful.

Did you know they changed walk signals to gay couples in Vienna for the contest? Nice.

And now the mysterious object is at the stadium and it's a disco ball. A lovely violinist comes on to celebrate Austria's previous Eurovision winner. Big cheer, bless! And THERE'S AN ORCHESTRA! YAY!!!

Back to Conchita, who started the revival of Bond themes. She rises up out of the floor, like a hot pink pantsuited Aphrodite. And it's the dance party remix of … no it's a whole other song. About Building Bridges. The hosts are back, all in black tonight, and Conchita's up on wires flying like a you know what above everyone, and the Vienna Boys' Choir with a few friends is on stage. And a rapper, who then magically disappears, which is easily the best thing that could have happened to him. A bit more singing and now it's the Parade of Singers With Flags again.

I'm going to come out early and say that I'm a big fan of Serbia, even if there is a man with a bun among her backup dancers.

And they call Australia! And even Guy Sebastian is all 'I have no idea what I am doing here.' I plan to mock him later, but I should say that he's actually pretty good and an OK bloke.

Oh god, the Australian commentators are singing. Someone has GOT to ban alcohol in their commentary box next year. They're not Terry Wogan, they're Baz and Doreen down the pub; top people, but geez she can't carry a tune and he'll try to put his hand on your arse when he's sunk a few.

Yet another Hello to Australia. How much did we pay them? Big Aussie flag up the back, Guy clearly has longer arm than most to get it up that high. There's heckling from the crowd, I hope it is saying 'Hurry up!'

Nice little video montage of people performing one action somewhere in the world, and having it finished in another: a chap in London pours out some tea, a chap in Spain holds up the cup and takes a sip, which gets a thumbs up. Yes, we are all in this together. Unless you need a bailout for your economy, in which case, you're on your own.

Did you know it's a green event? Those are recycled balls up on the ceiling. OOH! China is taking Eurovision this year. Well, that's the and of Aus being your favourite poor cousins. Voting explanations up: I confess, I slept through most of the live show, woke up in time to vote, and decided against it. To maintain the purity of my snark. And warmness of my feet.

( The songs and the results )

My life has been reduced to actively not murdering the ad department and wrestling with our prepress people as they all fail to understand the notion of deadlines. But I am taking out a couple of hours between now and when our guests arrive for the weekend to recap, because EUROVISION! Ignore all typos, it's more than my sanity is worth to read it over.

We open with the lovely Conchita and her beautiful winning song from last year, leading into a parade of contestants traipsing across the bridge to the stage, followed by what looks like a raid on the props and costumes from Amadeus. We love you, Vienna, you're so groovily wacky.

The three main hosts appear, all women, one dressed like a Greek goddess, one like a '90s power dresser and one like a Kardashian. They're all multilingual and fun, and the one in the Kardashian frock looks as though she's planning to murder her dresser, so they can stay.

Three minutes and we've already had our first French joke. Bless.

I did miss the chance to vote during the live broadcast, because I was sleeping. I may well miss it again tomorrow, and possibly even in the final. I really need to sleep, or ad reps will die at my tiny, bloodsoaked hands.
( The songs )