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We open with the contestants all walking through the stadium with models wearing paper costumes onto which national flags are projected. Some quality Vogueing there. And a genuinely decent dance mix.

Petra and Mans (soz, Mans, I've been misspelling your name in the semis, because, well, you're not Petra. But you're cute) are back to host, and they look fabulous. Ah Stockholm, you genuinely know how to party. I like to think that their opening monologue was a strong Bremain comment. And this year, Australia is voting! Not me, obviously, because I am watching this on record due to needing to sleep. But others! And holy moly, they are going to split the jury and phone votes and that IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER!!!!!!

And with no further ado we are on to the songs, which I wll not be fully recapping if they came through the semis, because there's precious little more to say on most of these.

( Once more unto the breach, dear friends! )

It's that time of year again. Stockholm, we salute you and your willingness to take one for Europe (and Israel and Australia). Straight into things tonight.

Last year's winner starts the night off with a very nice acoustic version of the 2015 winning song. Very cute little kid there with him, and it's all going well, until – in the words of Mr Brammers, 'Oh no, a children's choir! That's a low blow.' A Children's Choir dressed as Oompaloompas, no less. Could be worse.

The emblem is the dandelion, which makes sense as those buggers will set seed everywhere. Lots of faffing about, which is a relief as I'm freshly home from work and trying to scoff a bit of dinner.

HOSTS! The magnificent Petra from three years ago, and Mons, last year's winner. Nice gag with 'Welcome Europe!' leading to the opening riff of 'The Final Countdown', then not too much filler until we are on with the singing. Sweden, you know how do run this gig! And let us ignore the fact I originally typed swinging rather than singing. No Swedish stereotypes! Also, almost all the Swedes I know are sober, mature and monogamous. And the ones who weren't went out with my father.
( And on with the show )