Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[luthien82]

*lol*

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i've written some v. v. bad stuff when i was younger, so i tend to forgive all bad fic (which doesn't mean i want to read it, but still). your list did make me smile, though. please forgive the poor younguns who are losing their language to txt'ing (look i used an apostrophe in a way that makes F crazy). and actually, a whole heap of authors have not seen a penis and an even bigger batch have never seen an uncircumcised one. and a for a few of us it's been so long since we've seen one we can't quite remember what they do. have pity on us.

and yes, i am exceedingly worried about all the ev!L women in slash stories. it makes me hurt for the writer and wonder if they cat fight with other women, or are always in fear that they are a threat to them. and yes i know it's a story, but it's their story.

[*pets the authors of bad stories but doesn't read their stuff*]

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Your list is too funny. Even more so, because I just deleted/delayed a little rant I wrote yesterday. So, here it is, in short:

* If someone writes a review to your latest story, why can't you find the time (in the next two months or so) to at least type "thank you" in a comment box and click on the send button?

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

Wonderful list/rant, dear. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The only thing I'll add is this:

I see that many people have offered to beta read for you, because you do have a great story idea here. WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOMEONE YET? Cause it's obvious that you haven't, and if you have, FIRE THEM AND GET SOMEONE ELSE. Sorry, but I can't read your story any further until you do.

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

I ♥ you! Especially the last comment, which covers so much.

My additions:

* Comma, meet author. Author, meet comma.

* Here's a thought: explicit sex is not required in all stories. Please embrace this notion.

* Big words do not make you sound smart if they are used incorrectly. May I suggest a dictionary?

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. No fics to rant about, but reading your ranting sure is amusing. :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh you should hear me on people who stand in the doorways of trains ... ;-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

OH GOD YES!!! We need a pamphlet that can be posted to all new writers. (And a few old ones.)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

AMEN SISTER! (and I am now singing a very restricted chorus of hallelujahs, which would be the whole Handel shebang if I only had less snot ...)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh now I am guilty of that one at times, though I blame a combination of brain damage and no time. I get to them eventually, except from my first fic that had lots of replies, when I didn't know you had to respond to everyone. I was very new!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

That's why I would never post an actual flame, because someone who you had written off as a drunk British thirtysomething with issues could well turn out to be a 15-year-old American who has researched like a bastard but who actually hasn't ever seen a penis, and who has a lot of potential if only she is left room to grow.

But I still have the rants play in my head, because I am evil. If I was in a slash story I would probably break up the boys and then start a terrible religion that kept them far apart. While wearing lots of make-up and owning too many cats.

I am told there are photos of penii on the internet ;-)

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

:) I reckon I could give you a good rant about people on buses who stink!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I think that we all need a good rant now and then, and I am selfish and wanted my friends to tell me theirs!

After reading your list, I have only two things to say: 1. Oh yes, yes! and 2. Step AWAY from the Twilight fandom, Luthien. And that includes the fics written by Stephenie Myer. ;-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Funnily enough, I once stayed at an elephant orphanage ...

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Now, there is a difference between someone who is busy, but answers eventually, and someone who never answers at all.

I don't grumble at the first kind, because hey, RL is important and I understand everything about having no time. And I'm not talking about newbies either.

But if I see a regular pattern, it really angers me. Especially in fests, when people are asked to comment, because this makes authors happy. I totally agree, but I'd rather wish I could only comment on those fics whose authors appreciate the comment enough to let me know after the fest is over and everything is revealed.

There is this policy in fandom that authors shouldn't expect feedback or force their readers into giving feedback. So far, so fine. But I don't get it that if someone gets comments, why they wouldn't have the courtesy to thank their readers for commenting.

Ah - there you have the rant. *g*

Thankfully, this is the exception rather than the rule. So, maybe I should rather ask myself why it angers me so much.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It makes me worry, and then rant about how I wasted my childhood at women's lib marches. Though, as is painfully obvious, I am prone to rant at the slightest provocation anyway.

I think you should be an authorised shaker. You'd use your powers for Good.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Just say no! And never mention to any of your good fandom friends that you think you have found the worst story ever, as they will all be Ever So Helpful in correcting you ...

You are so right on the response part, though. I remember in the early days of the net a scientist friend of mine was explaining it to me. "And," he said, "if anyone give you a hard time, just remember that you're being harassed by a bald man with a small penis in a dingy flat. Not being him is a daily victory."

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

OH YES!!! Although I'll add a caveat saying that it is fine for people to make conscious choices to experiment, but, on the whole, we already have a mistful, a sansa, and so on. No real need for doppelgangers.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

ARGH! Bloom = fungus!!!!!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Sadly the kitties and J will not let me leave, but I thank you for the offer.

And oh my goodness yes! I fear that some people may be reliving their teenaged years. Though it's acceptable for those who actually are still at school.

You are very welcome, and I am glad that it was good for you ;-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Sadly, your writing is far too good to ever receive one, even were I to be replaced by my evil twin, Skippy.

I sometimes wonder if I could word that rant as a piece of concrit, but "I think you should just have some good rogering earlier in your fic" lacks a certain something ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Good point! I completely forgot about that one. And do you notice they are always strictly hairless? Where are the Greek Wizards??

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I could never attach them to the fics as that would be mean. Though I have been guilty of emailing one or two trusted friends to say "OMG! Look at this one!" Which is a terrible mistake as they inevitably send back a suggestion that is even worse. Bastards.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I love you, too. And yes, you are exactly right. We all cock up, and some of us were lucky enough to write our bad teen fiction before there was an internet, so I think that unrelated ranting is a good way to vent the badness without hurting others. And with giving me a jolly good laugh!

Bless you, bless you for the lube.

Monster sends an ear nibble, she's running out of lobe on mine ...

[corpus-delecti.livejournal.com]

I'm so framing that quote and putting it on my wall, so I can read it everyday.

I think that someone should put together a rec list of the worst fics ever. You know, like the Razzberry awards. I should get on that.