Dear Big Auto Twatface ...

[blamebrampton]

Whose name I missed because the cat enclosure man appeared during Newshour (Australia's SBS has a wonderful news service that brings me Jim Lehrer among other gems). Here's a tip: the 'very small cars' that you say Americans are not interested in buying are the exact same cars that were selling gangbusters last year when your fuel costs were rising through  the roof.

They are the same cars that the rest of the world drives quite comfortably, which can be parked in normal-sized car spaces. You can even fit more of them on the road, because each of them is less than the size of my student flat. Miraculously, most of the rest of the world has lower motor vehicle mortality and serious injury rates than the US, even though we don't drive giant trucks. It's because we do up our seatbelts. (No, really, it works! Ask Princess Di's bodyguard!)

After 30 years of selling increasingly stupid vehicles despite promising the Carter administration that you had learned your ways and would produce smaller, more economical cars the LAST time your received a MASSIVE FUCKING FEDERAL BAILOUT (Oh yes, big auto, some of us are in our 40s and remember the last time this all happened.), you have spent the last 20 years selling cars that can only be described as stupid.

I have lived in Mozambique, Tanzania and Kenya, where there were elephants, rhinos and hippos. A normal Jeep, RangeRover or, these days LandCruiser, is quite enough to survive a concerted attack, or at least make sure the people inside do. Funnily enough, concerted attacks from elephants, rhinos and hippos are rare, even in southern Africa. I believe they are unheard of in the Continental United States. No one actually requires a Hummer.

Okay, so maybe if you do live in South Central LA and are deeply worried about drive-bys. But then you should move rather than buy a car that says 'My penis is TINY! TINY I TELL YOU!!'

To sum up, oh twatface who has probably spent his bailout money on a new private jet: those very small cars are not actually very small. They are in fact normal. You just have ridiculous giant cars. The American public is not unified in its desire to drive giant cars, as the big downturn in their sales has shown. Petrol will again be priced through the roof in the very near future and you will be inundated by people wanting economical vehicles. Also, none of this is news. You were told this directly 30 years ago. You took a huge government payout then and promised you would change your ways. The cars you produce now are LESS economical than the cars you produced then. Moreover, during the last eight years as petrol costs in the US have crept ever upwards and people demanded more economical cars, you ignored Supply and Demand! You are meant to LIVE by supply and demand.

You aren't even wasting my tax dollars and I find you a repulsive, oleaginous creep. I hope someone parked you in while you were filming the segment. And I hope they were driving a Prius. Actually, no, I hope it was a fleet of Segways. Boo and hiss!

Meanwhile, if you are an American who is considering buying a car, might I suggest you buy European or Japanese? You might feel bad about not supporting autoworkers in Detroit, and I do sympathise with that, but apparently those poor bastards will be screwed no matter what, so you might as well prop up one of the other teetering global economies, giving them enough money to buy your grain and thus supporting American farmers. Thinking globally AND acting locally!

ETA PS: Saying that it was fine for you to spend the last eight years continuing to produce ludicrous cars because the Bush administration's environmental policies said you could is NOT the persuasive argument you seem to think it is.

PPS REC REC REC! Pop over to Leochi's lj for the most beautiful watercolour of a young Malfoy. It's my early birthday present and it is just lovely – human and touching as all her art is. Hurrah for birthday week!

Comments

[deannawol.livejournal.com]

OMG, I was laughing so hard as I was reading that. :)

Althought I hear that they're going to be shipping in Rhinos, Elephants and Hippos just to make sure that they can sell their giant, penis-sympathising cars :)

Kudos, hon. That was a fantastic, and very true, rant! :)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I think I've twigged to why your economy tanked: because your leaders of industry are all on crack!

It was just gobsmackingly self-deluded, probably a good thing the cat man appeared or I might have thrown something at the telly ;-)

And you would not believe how much elephants poo …

[inamac.livejournal.com]

What a great rant. it sounds awfully similar to something I might have yelled at the TV screen when thos whole subsidy-if-you-promise-to-do-better thing came up.

Has urge to find out whether anyone is selling Smart cars in LA.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hee, Smart cars I suppose do qualify for tiny, but even the Jags I grew up in were economical compared to the standard Ford Yankee truck. Sigh. The frustrating thing is that the American consumer has been asking for cars that are the norm in the rest of the world for years, and have been delivered giant unwieldy death traps instead.

We could be rant twins ;-) (I'd bring the tea and some Iced Vovos for after-rant tea and biscuits)

[annafugazzi.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

::wiping tears:: Ooooh, thank you. I just read this whole thing out loud to DH. We say stuff like this all. the. time. re big cars, especially when many of our friends, most of whom are wonderful people, extol the wonders of their gas guzzlers:

• I just don't feel safe in anything smaller!
  
• I mean, really, once you have a baby how can you possbly fit everything you need into one of those tiny things?
  
• Sorry, but I refuse to drive anything that requires me to squeeze myself into the driver's seat like a sardine.
  
• But driving a little car makes me feel like I'm sitting right on the road!

Do you mind if I link here?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

My rants are public, feel free ;-) I stand by my rant!

It's the frustrating thing, isn't it? Otherwise perfectly lovely people who just speak rubbish when it comes to their cars.

The irony is that small cars have much lower fatality rates because the cars themselves are more stable. And, of course, they kill far fewer pedestrians and cyclists when they hit them (as a former cyclist who was hit several times, this is a real consideration!)

And I have friends with babies who don't even have cars! Admittedly none of them live in the US, but it's wholly doable!

I think it might be better for the number three excuse people to go on a diet, and as for number four, surely the lack of friction on their bottoms should be a clue that they are not? Sigh. Sends hugs to you and the DH ;-)

[astarael02.livejournal.com]

Yes!! Hear hear! *bangs fist on table in agreement*

also- 'My penis is TINY! TINY I TELL YOU!!'
*sporfle* I love that. If only they realised that's what they were saying! :D

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hee! Parliamentary approval ;-)

I once had a chat with a young man of my acquaintance who was telling me he planned to spend a fortune on a muscle car. I pointed out that if he spent a fraction of the money on the gym and some new clothes, he would have heaps left for world travel and a sensible car, and would thus be the good looking man of the world that women actually want to shag. Unless he wanted to shag the Greek mechanics at the muscle car shop, in which case, sure, go ahead

[kadollan.livejournal.com]

I love you madly. Also, you would get along famously with my husband who had said much the same thing recently, only omitting the word "oleaginous."

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Love you back! Sends your husband platonic manly hugs avec backslapping! (I tried to work in unctuous, too, but failed ;-)

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

This is something I've thought a great deal about during my life, as I grew up in LA where not driving is seen as socially deviant, and it's not strange for someone to have more than one car. Cars are a huge status symbol there, much less here in Boston where they just get ruined by the weather and the salt on the streets.

Anyway:

- Small cars predominate in Europe. If all the cars are small, you have nothing to fear. However, if you have a tiny car and all the other cars are SUV's, make sure to avoid accidents. Seatbelts will not protect you from injury when a machine three times the weight of yours smashes into you. I was in a serious high-speed accident in a Volvo (sideswiped by a big rig truck) and walked away without a scratch: I had a low-speed collision when my Honda was rear-ended and suffered back pain. So, the risk really is greater in a small car if most of the other cars on the road are bigger and heavier.

-Like you, I am hoping we're on a trend towards smaller and greener cars in the U.S. It's so wasteful to see one person in a giant car. And they're always taking up the compact parking spaces.

-No matter how many children we have, we're not getting a fucking minivan.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hee, as you know, I am a lifelong non-driver, so I could probably only live in New York ;-)

I'd qualify that to greater risk in some small cars. The little BMWs and Mercedes have the build quality to have safety ratings that go past any Honda, or SUV for that matter. And then there's the higher risk of single-car accidents in big cars ... But this is more an argument to ban SUVs than for everyone to have them.

I can see you with a Christiania bike rather than a minivan ;-)

[absynthedrinker.livejournal.com]

Oleaginous! Not precisely one of the words I anticipated reading upon opening Livejournal this morning. The best example of why I read your posts.

Be well always.

Peace,
Bubba

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh he was, Bubba! He really was!

XXX
BB

[arobynsung]

Completely agree with you.
They wonder why they're going bankrupt, the cars they are mass producing (massive trucks and SUVs) are the cars Americans have FINALLY wised up to and stopped buying! This whole bailout situation should just be put up as a bad job. No one, and I mean no one did what they were supposed to with the money.


tiny somewhat relevant sidenote: as a native Kenyan, I'd like to point out that it is not all a savannah, we have cities and everything! Sorry, I've had bad experiences with ignorance to African countries, and I'm sure since you've lived there, you understand.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh how cool! Where are you from? I loved Nairobi, which is really the only city I remember in out time there, though I know that we also went to Mombassa and Nyeri, but they're just blurs. And yes, Kenya is very much like Australia to my mind with large parts of the population being urban, but people only remembering the bushy bits.

Though we were only in town for a month before we spent the next six rampaging around the countryside and staying for a few weeks at an elephant orphanage. My father was a firm believer in the See if My Child Can Escape Being Eaten By Mosquitoes and Fauna method of child rearing. He even made me go camping on a commune in Wales in winter. Grrrr!

[shiv5468.livejournal.com]

But if everyone took that advice there would be no top gear. no playing conkers with caravans. Won't you think of clarkson!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You might think that, but then I say to you, compare the Bugatti Veyron with the Ford pick-up. It's lighter, more fuel-efficient, produces less noise, less CO2, fewer pollutants and contains fewer parts made with petrochemicals. It's practically a Prius in terms of American car ownership!

[abusing-sarcasm.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't want to make you feel IGNORANT or anything, but you should know that the vast majority of us are far too fat to fit into anything smaller than a Ford Excursion.

Also, you're COMPLETELY forgetting the fact that a small car will not have thirteen cup-holders.

DUH.

Jeez. Foreigners and their skinny butts and rhinos. No wonder we suspect them all of terrorism.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

ROTFL!

Remember the days when we packed a thermos for a drive ... I feel old now ... (I was just defriended by someone, BTW, not anyone I noticed I was friends with, so I am not desperately saddened by it, but I have this strange suspicion that someone is out there saying 'I don't care how funny she is, the woman's a thinly veiled commie!' Ah, if only I didn't prat about in D&G sunglasses ...)

(further aside: OMG, W IS SO CUTE!)

[luthien82]

In conclusion? Those people all have tiny dicks and think they should share this misfortune with the whole nation. Man, am I glad I'm living in a country that invented the VW Beetle. That was back in the 50s even, imagine that... :D

[thisgirl-is.livejournal.com]

Industry bailout? Sounds like a great idea!

Thank you Mandy. I feel you should seek training in how to speak to the media. Phrases like [the UK car industry was] "not a lame duck" do not help your cause or theirs. *facepalm*


Also, you used the word 'oleaginous' in a sentence! ♥ I think my best today is 'numb-nuts'. Although in fairness to myself, when worked into the whole rant it was all fairly amusing.

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

Meanwhile, if you are an American who is considering buying a car, might I suggest you buy European or Japanese? You might feel bad about not supporting autoworkers in Detroit, and I do sympathise with that, No thanks! A bit puzzled by your post, because we have plenty of small (sub-compact) cars that are American-made, are safe, affordable and fuel-economic--and are hugely popular; in fact, I have one. I think many NON Americans get the impression we don't drive these because they watch too much TV. The last thing we want to do is support non-domestic automakers when we have comparable products here.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I swear to you, Joan, the guy on Newshour told me, point blank, that Americans DO NOT make these cars and that it would take many years and many billions of dollars for you to tool up to do so!

Oily AND LYING, apparently. How can you lie to Jim Lehrer??

And I have visited America several times and on both sides, I have to say that I can't tell you the name of a domestic US compact, let alone subcompact :-(

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

if you are an American who is considering buying a car, might I suggest you buy European or Japanese?

No. If, as an American, you live in a place without public transportation and/or Amtrack access, lobby to implement it. In 10 years, private cars will be only comfortable to own for rich people and commercial business.

"Buy Other" completely ignores both the gravity the crisis and the fact that most Americans don't live at the "TV Middle Class" most familiar to outsiders. The people most hurt by the global recession and peak oil are working class and working poor. They are the ones who spread into the far exurb communities to find affordable housing. This forces them into the highest gas bills, in places with the least access to public transportation, for the lowest paying jobs. People are already choosing between food and fuel. There's no money to buy anything.

Unlike the recession of the 70s and 80s that rotted from the inner city out, this one will rot from the edges in. If you live in a place too remote and rural for public transport, move to a more central town or use your car money for a horse. "Horse Commuters" have already been reported in remote parts of North Dakota, Montana and Kentucky.

As far as car companies, the upper management's share of the finances should be retrieved and plowed into new public transport. Auto workers should be retrained for implementation. The bailout was necessary to keep even more towns and cities in the rust belt from collapsing entirely, and retaining American transportation production. Whether by private companies or the government, it's easier to refit a maintained factory for new purposes, than rebuild an abandoned one, or build new.

As far as American Auto Corporations, they are evil. This hasn't been a secret since the 1950s. They're fun to insult. So are the rich and upper middle classes. But car and fuel issues go far beyond the classes with the financial stability to weather the joke.

[aunt-agatha.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with everything you've said here. As for the rural issue, I have NEVER understood why on earth our counties can't have morning and evening bus hubs like they do in rural(ish) parts of the UK and Ireland. Most people would do well with a morning ride into the city and an evening one back home. It's not like public transportation has to mean a bus every half hour or anything. Hell, I bet something could even be managed with the existing school bus infrastructure. It would be a start.

[fourth_rose]

Also, to take the outlandish ideas even further, there's this weird thing called "public transportation". Of course, it needs a state ruled by a set of closet commies to pull it off successfully, because it will never make profit if you want it to be somewhat effective, but on the other hand, it allows such strange species as the permanently car-less citizen to live and thrive. I'm living proof ;)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

See, even I was scared to go there for fear of attracting accusations of communism! What city do you live in? I can add it to my list of places I could survive (can't and won't drive).

[brinian.livejournal.com]

Yup...I've always bought Japanese cars. The one American one we had when I was a teen was a total disaster. I do have to 'fess up to owning a 4Runner though. It pulls the trailer, hauls the dogs, gets us around in massive snow and ice storms, and out of muck at farms. I use it as little as possible :-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I don't really have a problem with people who use big cars having one. At my grandparents' farm there are two Range Rovers for pulling horse floats, and they do hard duty. But there are then small cars, bikes and horses that are used for getting in and around town, the city and for small runs; much the same way you do things, I imagine!

It's the SUVs marketed as domestic vehicles that makes me crazy, and the general upscaling of American cars. Your country is SO GOOD at innovation, yet the car companies seem to have gone backwards with everything except cupholders. Sigh.

[aunt-agatha.livejournal.com]

OMG no one is buying cars right now. They're actually doing buy one get one free, they're so desperate.

I don't really have any sympathy for the whole Detroit thing. The American automotive industry needs a slash and burn. :(

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I do feel simply horrible for the workers there. The problem that I have arrived at is that they are being buggered by the companies they work for more than they are being buggered by the economic downturn.

Would that The Governator had his carbon schemes up and running at full pace before the GFC hit and all those tooling shops could have turned their efforts to making parts for wind turbines and solar converters! I just hope that the Bill Gateses and Warren Buffets, and hell, the Governators of the US are in the ascendency over the next 10 years so that the US attacks this with the ingenuity and innovation that the rest of us expect.

The thing that kills me is that 30 years ago, the car companies all promised they would change their ways. If any of them actually HAD, you would have a country that was cleaner, greener, and in far better economic shape because all that money spent on oil would still be in the coffers. America deserves better!!

[pingrid.livejournal.com]

Ooh yes, baby, I love it when you rant! :D I wish Big Auto Twatface & Friends could hear you too, although I think it's fair to suggest they might develop a sudden case of selective hearing.

Entirely unrelated but let's pretend it isn't, there's a really sweet commercial for 20% off vibrators running on a couple of our national TV channels these days. It makes me all manner of happy. :D People can say what they will about the evils of TV, but what a wonderful medium it is that can bring us both Big Auto Twatface and discounted sex toys just like that!

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Great commercial! It would never be shown in the U.S. And some of the comments on YouTube are hilarious.

I want the rabbit.

[ant-queen.livejournal.com]

So have I mentioned that my boy currently has plans afoot to sell the environmentally evil Rodeo, buy a mighty boy and convert it to electric :) Warning he may get J in on the project.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

They have such a bromance when it comes to knackery and geekitude ... That sounds deeply cool!

[uminohikari.livejournal.com]

*amused*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I rant when over-heated ;-)

[jadzialove.livejournal.com]

Seriously, have you been listening to my conversations, because I've had this very same rant with Paige nearly every time I get in the car and some stupid ass big ridiculous Hummer, driven by a middle-aged, bleached-blonde woman (who is talking on the phone and barely fitting in the lane) somehow gets in front of us. Certainly you said it much better, but we agree point for point.

Paige and I share a small Kia sedan. It's about 4 years old, we bought it new, it's really cute, still runs beautifully and gets good gas mileage. Not only was it affordable to us, the working poor, it had all sorts of included bells and whistles, like A/C and power windows & locks.

Buying American is great in theory, but I have no need for a humongous pick-up truck that requires steps to get into it. Who does really?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Bugger, I've revealed my cunning spy techniques!

The thing that makes me angry about people like Twatface is that he and his ilk could have saved thousands of jobs if they had faced up to reality at the time of the last auto bailout. Instead, they have screwed everyone because they SUCK!

[sarcasticpixie.livejournal.com]

Darling, I must respectfully disagree! I drive an American car, and my whole family does the same; at this point, it's more of a moral guilt attempt for my completely unionized family to show support for the autoworkers. (I'm still fuming about the "UAW members make $70 an hour" thing. Dude! That's including retirees' pensions and after monetizing health benefits! You do that and I'm making a cool $150 or some madness. They make $28 per hour, which is perfectly reasonable, Jeebus.)

However, we drive the smaller models -- for instance, this is how I get around. 38 MPG highway, and adorable to boot! :D The mummy drives an older model of the same car, and the daddy drives a smaller midsize model. All of us get over 30 MPG highway, and when my dad brings them all down to the car wash in succession, the guys there all make cracks about his "little Chevy fleet." Which, you know, bonus.

As soon as the Chevy Volt comes out in 2010 (God willing Detroit is still standing), I will be first in line for one of those little electric suckers.

But my God, do I agree with your point about the gas-guzzlers -- for God's sake, I live in Boston. I know that four-wheel drive is a fantastic invention and completely reasonable for the climate in which I reside. But whenever I see a Hummer, I want to ask: what's wrong with a Jeep Liberty or a Chevy Tracker, people? They make little baby SUVs for this exact reason -- four-wheel drive without the gas or size commitment. Of course, no one knows how to drive in snow ANYWAY, so....

(Perhaps I am a bit annoyed at having to drive to work in driving snow-sleet this morning. I keep checking our weather closings, and the university at which I slave away remains open. BLAST.)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Yes, I am please to learn that Twatface was LYING MORE and that there are some small cars made in the US. He did DIRECTLY say that there was no market for them and all the car companies would have to totally retool for them. Lying to Jim Lehrer is a SIN!

And my outrage at the Big Auto crew has grown today as I read about bills not being paid so that small companies are going under while they keep their $22 million salaries (when one of your Senators asked one of the automafia if he would be happy to work for a dollar this year, taking the bailout into account, his reply was 'No, I'm right where I am. BASTARD!!!)

You family, BTW, is gorgeous. I know I have said this before, but you prove it again and again.

And yeah, I could probably cope if people were driving toy SUVs and just think they were a bit silly, not froth at the mouth outraging ;-)

[grey-hunter.livejournal.com]

Okay, this will be totall OT (it's your fault) but I always wanted to read a H/D fic in which Harry and Draco live/work in Africa (in a non-urban area)... *puppy-dogrhino eyes*

On topic: YES. No one could have said it more beautifully!