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I've always had Chinese friends, and also English, these days generally Anglo, friends who live in China. That said, the one thing I can say in Mandarin is 'Aiya!' Follow around any Chinese grandmother while she is watching her teenaged grandchildren and you'll hear this expression. It's one of those fabulously adaptable phrases, but, as I learned it, is often used to convey deep frustration.
(I tried to get aiyo down, which is, I believe, 'Ouch!', but I have never met a Chinese grandmother willing to admit to pain, and my friends have always been so busy laughing at my abysmal attempts that they have been useless to teach me anything. Bastards.)
This is all preamble to explain why I have been exercising my one piece of Mandarin this evening. I have been working on a fic that is Giving Me Issues. When I say fic, it's really one scene. Which I will probably cut. But I have been trying to write sex. I am not good at this. The good news is that the Literary Review has its annual Bad Sex Award, the historic highlights list of which is full of sex scenes that are FAR worse than mine!
The worst of all was last year's winner from Jonathan Littell's The Kindly Ones:
I will probably still end up deleting the one I am working on, but I would like it to be known that it is nowhere near that bad!
Also, I would like to share this video of my new favourite North American. Madam, I salute your neck strength! And the Book Club tonight had a whole show on great film adaptations of great books and did not once mention To Kill A Mockingbird! Madness!
Finally, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
marinelle24 , may your day be wonderful and lacking in both bad sex and very naughty cats!
(I tried to get aiyo down, which is, I believe, 'Ouch!', but I have never met a Chinese grandmother willing to admit to pain, and my friends have always been so busy laughing at my abysmal attempts that they have been useless to teach me anything. Bastards.)
This is all preamble to explain why I have been exercising my one piece of Mandarin this evening. I have been working on a fic that is Giving Me Issues. When I say fic, it's really one scene. Which I will probably cut. But I have been trying to write sex. I am not good at this. The good news is that the Literary Review has its annual Bad Sex Award, the historic highlights list of which is full of sex scenes that are FAR worse than mine!
The worst of all was last year's winner from Jonathan Littell's The Kindly Ones:
Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert, I seemed turned to stone. I stretched out my arm and buried my middle finger into this boundless eye. The hips moved slightly, but that was all. Far from piercing it, I had on the contrary opened it wide, freeing the gaze of the eye still hiding behind it. Then I had an idea: I took out my finger and, dragging myself forward on my forearms, I pushed my forehead against this vulva, pressing my scar against the hole. Now I was the one looking inside, searching the depths of this body with my radiant third eye, as her own single eye irradiated me and we blinded each other mutually: without moving, I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: 'What are you doing, what are you doing?' and I laughed out loud, sperm still gushing in huge spurts from my penis, jubilant, I bit deep into her vulva to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.
I will probably still end up deleting the one I am working on, but I would like it to be known that it is nowhere near that bad!
Also, I would like to share this video of my new favourite North American. Madam, I salute your neck strength! And the Book Club tonight had a whole show on great film adaptations of great books and did not once mention To Kill A Mockingbird! Madness!
Finally, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:14 pm (UTC)WTF???
*cannot unread it*
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:16 pm (UTC)But it is award-winningly bad ;-)
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 04:21 pm (UTC)That passage is made of so many levels of awesome... :DDD
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:24 pm (UTC)'Oh look at the twaddle you just wrote! Aiya!'
You know, being a satirist is deadly for writing sex: 'And as he collapsed against her he breathed out her name in joy at the liquification of his bones. And also his boner.'
Next fic: MORE POLITICS!
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:28 pm (UTC)Usually I say Ewwwwwww when I stare at my bad writing...
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 04:26 pm (UTC)Mah eyes, blamebrampton!
Hehe, as for the aiya-aiyo, I actually heard more of the latter, mainly because I fell a lot as a child. :P (Tell you what, I'll try and find a youtube or something for you...)
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:28 pm (UTC)YouTube aiyo would be lovely, thank you!
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Date: 2010-03-10 12:43 am (UTC)Otoh, I do know that the Korean equivalent of 'aiya' is 'aigoo'. *offers as pittance*
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:45 pm (UTC)I know he wants to go all Freud on us with Polyphemus, but confusing mommy issues with Big Brother is obviously not a good idea.
And anyway, he failed at Freud because all this paragraph proves is that the character is gay. Here he is, supposedly trying to force his way back into the womb, son-mother incestuous desire and all that jazz, but the all-seeing eye and the blinding (sublimated castration, anyone?), all this penetrating to the marrow and his botched-up erections, these are all references to the father figure. (Yes, Dr Freud, we remember how it ends: dominating father cuts the son's bits off and sends him away, angst, exile, emo emo.) So inexplicably, the character is suddenly existentially lusting after daddy.
*Umbridge cough* Correct me if I'm wrong, but I somehow doubt the author blended the mother and the father in an attempt to create unisex metaphysics. This is neither here nor there. I think he just forgot what he was trying to say and hoped no one would notice.
Well, we did.
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Date: 2010-03-09 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 05:18 pm (UTC)...Oh. My. God. O.o
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Date: 2010-03-09 05:24 pm (UTC)(Go and read some of the others at the link, a few are just hilarious. The Ranulph Fiennes one is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would write. I like to think that author had comedic intent, too.)
(Edited because I cannot type at this hour)
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Date: 2010-03-09 05:28 pm (UTC)It narrowly edges out the scene in Beat the Reaper where the main character boosts a girl onto his shoulders because they're in a TANK FULL OF SHARKS and he performs oral sex on her while the sharks swim around, finishing off the body of her brother who was ripped apart moments before. And she cries the whole time. IN A SHARK TANK. Aiyo, indeed...
So as long as you don't include a dismembered brother, sharks, or the word "vulva," you should be doing juuuuuust fine. :)
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Date: 2010-03-09 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 05:32 pm (UTC)Oh... oh wow. That was... ???
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Date: 2010-03-09 05:44 pm (UTC)Though if that's Jonathan Littell's usual writing style then it's not just bad sex he's going to get awards for.
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Date: 2010-03-09 05:50 pm (UTC)Please?
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Date: 2010-03-09 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 08:21 pm (UTC)Seriously, I'm asking myself what kind of drugs were involved...
I think my favourites are the ones from 2000 and 2005 (yes, of course I had to click on that link ;-))
Whatever you write can't turn out all bad!
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Date: 2010-03-09 09:02 pm (UTC)Oh, but I like your sex scenes! Subtlety is a good thing. And if you really think you need help, ask the master (or mistress, I should say) of sex writing -
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Date: 2010-03-09 09:40 pm (UTC)To Kill A Mockingbird should be mentioned on every list of good books and good movie adaptions. *nodnodnod*
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Date: 2010-03-09 11:43 pm (UTC)the bengali version, in case you're interested, would be ish! or dhur! or uff! :D
oh gods. i have never wanted to read "vulva" in a passage about sex, and definitely not THAT many times *reaches for the brain bleach*
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Date: 2010-03-10 04:52 am (UTC)Is it wrong that I was relieved when I read, I will probably still end up deleting the one I am working onand cheered a little bit in my head?
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Date: 2010-03-10 06:11 am (UTC)In happier news, I just sent your parcel! It was a bit overweight, so I took out the Jodi Picoult novel and gave it to the woman behind the counter. Probably for the best, I was hoping to amuse P, not horrify her with truly dreadful writing.
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Date: 2010-03-13 02:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 06:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 09:05 pm (UTC)That's why we can't digest those texts, either.
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Date: 2010-03-11 01:48 pm (UTC)My take on editors of literary fiction, to the dot.
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Date: 2010-03-10 09:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 10:46 am (UTC)This bad sex scenes thing went around the f-list last year or before, and what I noticed was that it didn't differentiate between intended-to-be-good-bad sex scenes and intended-to-be-bad-bad sex scenes. Although, it is hard to decide which one the above quoted was supposed to be. It is even horrible at being horrible.
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Date: 2010-03-10 11:29 am (UTC)*goes off to wash brain*
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Date: 2010-03-10 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-11 01:16 pm (UTC)*scrubs brain with wire brush and Dettol*
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Date: 2010-03-11 01:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-11 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-11 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-11 01:52 pm (UTC)If you would like some input on your sex scene, I'd be happy to give it a read-through, Brammers. I'd love for you to write sex. :)
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Date: 2010-03-11 01:57 pm (UTC)As to me managing it, still finishing the story of doom, which was going to be v short, but I fail at short. I may well send it your way, though the options of making it really quite tame or indeed thoroughly gen remain open!
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Date: 2010-03-11 02:02 pm (UTC)Do send, whenever!
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Date: 2010-03-11 04:59 pm (UTC)Peace,
Bubba
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Date: 2010-03-12 02:25 pm (UTC)*can unread EET*
Aiya!
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Date: 2010-03-17 10:38 pm (UTC)I do awesome sex scenes. Really.
There is not enough brain bleach in the world.