I knew this would happen
Feb. 26th, 2015 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blamebramptonTwenty years ago come May, I was hit in the head with a taxi and major thoroughfare in quick succession. I broke several bones in my face, scraped off a lot of skin, bruised myself to buggery, broke my hand and a few ribs and cracked some other bits besides.
In a way it was good that I had the broken hand because I had very obviously been in an accident. There were some nice things, like the woman who followed me down a long street until we neared the police station and then gently sought my attention to tell me that I deserved better and that she would come with me to the police if I wanted to make a complaint. I made sure that I told her I thought she was wonderful and brave before I told her I'd been hit by a taxi. I still wish I'd felt up to hugging her.
There was a little girl in the pet shop who lifted up bunnies and kittens for me to pat because they made her feel better and she guessed I needed something cheering. When her mother told her to stop bothering the lady, I confess I may have laid on the 'But it's really helping me, what a lovely child!' a little more thickly than a good person would have.
And there were annoying things, like the shopkeepers who knew me, had known me for ages, recognised that it was me, and yet still treated me as though I was a moron because I couldn't talk fluently and looked bad.
Last Friday, I paid a nice surgeon to hammer out two wisdom teeth and chisel some bone from the roof of my mouth. Since then, I have looked like a lopsided squirrel and had a splendid bruise down one cheek. And I can't talk without gagging on the stitches.
Primed by my earlier experience, I prepared a notebook. It contains multiple useful pages:
* I had an operation on my mouth and cannot talk for a bit.
* It looks worse than it feels, thanks for asking.
* Yes
* No
* Oh For Fuck's Sake!
* Can I put $10 on my Opal Card?
* Ask X, Y, Z (people at work with checkboxes to point to)
* It's very good to see you.
* Can I have a chocolate milk, please?
Armed with those nine pages, I have navigated a surprising percentage of my life, partcularly since going back to work yesterday. This has been helped by hardware changes in my absence, which have allowed me to do a surprising amount of my job with only NO and OH, FFS!
But of course, I occasionally have to talk. And because my left cheek is still swollen and stiff with bruising, and because my tongue cannot hit the roof of my mouth and I don't want to move my lips very much, I sound like a lisping, nasal squirrel impersonator.
Now at work, this is merely a source of comedy. And rightly so. Because it is funny. I'm also still a bit stoned from the general and all the opiates: drugs and I have never mixed well. They know this and were prepared. People laughing is perfectly rational, if cruel ;-)
But four times today other people listened to my lispy squirrel voice and looked at my swollen face and decided 'Oh, you must be stupid!'
Which just shits me. Not because someone thinks *I* am stupid (I'm five feet one and girly looking, people have made that mistake on spurious gender assumptions my whole life) but because it reminds me how needlessly fucking frustrating it must be to permanently have any one of the hundreds of physical conditions that mean you can't talk fluently.
So if this ever happens again (and given my track record, that's not unlikely), I have a new plan. I am going to download a voice synthesiser a la Stephen Hawking (maybe even the same voice) and I am going to program my series of responses, PLUS brief lectures on the mechanics of particle physics*, which I will play while looking at them with touching, swollen sincerity.
That'll learn 'em.
* Cribbed entirely from the work of Professor Hawking (I only 'get' physics up to Marie Curie), who I suspect will grant permission because there are jokes in A Brief History of Time, which means he can find comedy anywhere. Also, on cruising his essays last night when I dreamt up this plan, I found this regular disclaimer:
Note that there may be incorrect spellings, punctuation and/or grammar in this document. This is to allow correct pronunciation and timing by a speech synthesiser.
which is my new favourite example of why appropriately idiosyncratic grammar exists.
In a way it was good that I had the broken hand because I had very obviously been in an accident. There were some nice things, like the woman who followed me down a long street until we neared the police station and then gently sought my attention to tell me that I deserved better and that she would come with me to the police if I wanted to make a complaint. I made sure that I told her I thought she was wonderful and brave before I told her I'd been hit by a taxi. I still wish I'd felt up to hugging her.
There was a little girl in the pet shop who lifted up bunnies and kittens for me to pat because they made her feel better and she guessed I needed something cheering. When her mother told her to stop bothering the lady, I confess I may have laid on the 'But it's really helping me, what a lovely child!' a little more thickly than a good person would have.
And there were annoying things, like the shopkeepers who knew me, had known me for ages, recognised that it was me, and yet still treated me as though I was a moron because I couldn't talk fluently and looked bad.
Last Friday, I paid a nice surgeon to hammer out two wisdom teeth and chisel some bone from the roof of my mouth. Since then, I have looked like a lopsided squirrel and had a splendid bruise down one cheek. And I can't talk without gagging on the stitches.
Primed by my earlier experience, I prepared a notebook. It contains multiple useful pages:
* I had an operation on my mouth and cannot talk for a bit.
* It looks worse than it feels, thanks for asking.
* Yes
* No
* Oh For Fuck's Sake!
* Can I put $10 on my Opal Card?
* Ask X, Y, Z (people at work with checkboxes to point to)
* It's very good to see you.
* Can I have a chocolate milk, please?
Armed with those nine pages, I have navigated a surprising percentage of my life, partcularly since going back to work yesterday. This has been helped by hardware changes in my absence, which have allowed me to do a surprising amount of my job with only NO and OH, FFS!
But of course, I occasionally have to talk. And because my left cheek is still swollen and stiff with bruising, and because my tongue cannot hit the roof of my mouth and I don't want to move my lips very much, I sound like a lisping, nasal squirrel impersonator.
Now at work, this is merely a source of comedy. And rightly so. Because it is funny. I'm also still a bit stoned from the general and all the opiates: drugs and I have never mixed well. They know this and were prepared. People laughing is perfectly rational, if cruel ;-)
But four times today other people listened to my lispy squirrel voice and looked at my swollen face and decided 'Oh, you must be stupid!'
Which just shits me. Not because someone thinks *I* am stupid (I'm five feet one and girly looking, people have made that mistake on spurious gender assumptions my whole life) but because it reminds me how needlessly fucking frustrating it must be to permanently have any one of the hundreds of physical conditions that mean you can't talk fluently.
So if this ever happens again (and given my track record, that's not unlikely), I have a new plan. I am going to download a voice synthesiser a la Stephen Hawking (maybe even the same voice) and I am going to program my series of responses, PLUS brief lectures on the mechanics of particle physics*, which I will play while looking at them with touching, swollen sincerity.
That'll learn 'em.
* Cribbed entirely from the work of Professor Hawking (I only 'get' physics up to Marie Curie), who I suspect will grant permission because there are jokes in A Brief History of Time, which means he can find comedy anywhere. Also, on cruising his essays last night when I dreamt up this plan, I found this regular disclaimer:
Note that there may be incorrect spellings, punctuation and/or grammar in this document. This is to allow correct pronunciation and timing by a speech synthesiser.
which is my new favourite example of why appropriately idiosyncratic grammar exists.
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no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:46 pm (UTC)And I certainly get you on spurious gender assumptions.
HUGS
no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:52 pm (UTC)The only good thing about people who make those sorts of assumptions is that you can just automatically discount them rather than wasting time worrying if they have any sort of valid point.
And given I just typed discocunt, I feel that a rational assessment would suggest that I am in no fit state to be on the interntet. Also, I have a new fave typo ;-)
no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 01:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-28 06:33 am (UTC):D
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 07:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:48 pm (UTC)With regard to physics insertions, you can explain quite a lot with a limited vocabulary: c.f. Up Goer Five http://xkcd.com/1133/...
no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 01:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 01:19 pm (UTC)I had it the other way round, with only a slight bump on the head but my brains were fried, I remember looking at the partner asking me a tax question thinking, I dunno. I'm not sure what my name is right now.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 02:25 pm (UTC)More or less the exact same experience you get when you move to a foreign country and you can't speak the language properly. Searching for the right words is taken as a sign of a really slow functioning brain. (Oh, the irony of being judged by people who speak only one language for the lack of fluency in your third.)
no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 09:26 pm (UTC)He also is a friend of at least one UK stand-up comedian, so of course you're right. And way too accident prone, though maybe you'll end up indestructible at some point. *hands you cocoa*
no subject
Date: 2015-02-27 12:39 am (UTC)That said, I hope you feel better soon. And it's too bad you can't add "oh do piss off" to your list of phrases. ♥
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:59 pm (UTC)As said below, it's really just a lack of thought, plus freak out. But it bugs me that other people have to live with this reaction all the time. I feel certain some of them are even now walking determinedly while holding up a phone spouting cosmology!
no subject
Date: 2015-02-27 02:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:55 pm (UTC)Had my post op review last Friday, healing well!
no subject
Date: 2015-02-27 03:28 pm (UTC)Different scenario, but similar effect: When I was starting my 8th month of pregnancy, my offspring decided Mommy's sciatic nerve would be a nice resting place over the holidays. Not only did I have to live with constant pain for two weeks (late pregnancy and analgesics do NOT mix), I was also limping rather badly. Hubby and I were out shopping one day for the nursery during those two weeks, and two women passed us on the street. The younger took one look at my bump/limp, and told her older companion loudly enough for us to hear every word, "just look at THAT -- handicapped and PREGNANT!" in a way that sounded as if I was committing the most heinous crime against nature/humanity by being pregnant and having a limp.
Even 28 years later, I'm STILL hurt and offended.
So yeah, I feel your anger and pain. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 06:59 am (UTC)As far as appearing handicapped to strangers is concerned, after that experience I lost the rest of my faith in humanity when I was on crutches for three months following an accident a couple of years later. Dunno if you've had similar experiences, but while I preferred to be as self-sufficient as possible, a little consideration here and there would've been welcome.
Like, opening doors? Or just giving way? Never mind stupid teens, I've run into families strolling through the pedestrian zone four abreast, with a pram or two to boot, and yet they clearly expected ME, the person on crutches, to hobble around THEM rather than just opening a gap ... In fact, it often was the elderly who needed help themselves who were most considerate. Grr...
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 11:38 am (UTC)I have had exactly that experience. It's SO frustrating. The worst thing is that you when you're looking at several months on crutches, taking that time out of your normal life isn't possible, but there are some people who look at you and are all 'Why are you out in public, taking up space?!'
You're right that the elderly are usually the best: probably because they know what it feels like. I had a bus driver tell someone with a pram they couldn't get on the other day because all the seats were taken up by Seniors, and I nearly cheered out loud. I had a quiet word of praise on my way off the bus instead.
After six months of crutches, I got a stick for a bit. Sticks are awesome, because you can look at people in a way that reminds them that sticks are supports, weapons and gesticulating devices ;-)
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 12:37 pm (UTC)I luckily never had to negotiate public transport with a pram, as I've always had a car, but for the three years I had to cart my son from here to there in various devices, I'm not quite as sanguine about it. Bearing in mind that it's been over 25 years and things HAVE improved since then, it was often problematic (or at least complicated) enough to deal with the city. From elevators being tucked out-of-the-way in buildings via our major downtown department store renovating away all but one easy-access entry to wheel-negotiable ramps being three times as long as the corresponding stairs -- you only notice the inconveniences once you need them. The only saving "grace" is that you need them for just a limited time. (And I've had elderly neighbors phoning me to praise my son for offering them his seat on the bus; seems he was the only kid/person to do so on the always crowded end-of-school bus lines. Apparently it was remarkable enough that my neighbors felt it necessary to tell me.)
I needed both crutches for three months and never had a stick, but using just one crutch works as well: :) But I remember cursing the city council loudly and often at the time for paving one of the major downtown squares with small, natural-stone cobbles, replacing smooth asphalt. Quite pretty and allegedly environmentally-friendly, but absolute hell on sore feet and weak ankles. Now I don't have to wear high-heeled/thin-soled shoes while shopping, but again, the elderly and infirm were made to suffer just because some bureaucrat had a *cough* bright idea. Morons.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-28 06:31 am (UTC):/
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-28 06:06 pm (UTC)I discovered several years ago one could use the command line on a Mac to (a) synthesize speech (b) on other computers in the same network. I have yet to find a good use for it.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:44 pm (UTC)Most are just spooked, but I suppose there probably are a few who voted for Tony Abbot, which is just unconscionable.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 09:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 03:46 am (UTC)If you haven't heard it yet, the Nerdist podcast just had a great episode (http://www.nerdist.com/pepisode/nerdist-podcast-brian-cox-and-eric-idle/) where they were talking to Brian Cox & Eric Idle at the same time. One of the things they discussed was the time they got Stephen Hawking to record a joke for the Monty Python reunion tour. It's about an hour in, if you just want to listen to that bit.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 11:50 am (UTC)Have you had any thoughts on lottery numbers?
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 08:52 pm (UTC)