Dear Americans,

[blamebrampton]

On the whole, I love you. I have long loved many of your countrymen, sometimes from afar as with Frank Capra and Katherine Hepburn, and sometimes from up close as with some very lucky young people in the 1980s and '90s.

I think your land is beautiful, your governments uniformly mad, your religious leaders alternately inspiring and depressing and your jazz miraculous.

But.

I would like to impose a rule on you all. If you cannot say the word penis, you may not handle, draw, write about or otherwise involve yourself with them. Babytalk derivatives do not count. Similarly, the F-bomb and C-bomb may no longer be. "That person used an expletive I am not comfortable with" or "Fuck me! She said cunt!" are your two options.

That is all, please go about your business.

With love,
Brammers

Comments

[luthien82]

*lol* What happened?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

One of my comms has some really sweet and enthusiastic young people who will regularly say things along the lines of "a bit of peen in this one" and "I drop the F-bomb a few times!" in their warnings. I can actually deal with that 95% of the time, because I just imagine they are all secretly Amish and typing furtively in the stables.

An hour ago, fresh home from work, I did the thing I like to do once every few weeks and just clicked a random link. Where Harry described how much he loved Draco's peen. And once I finished laughing ...

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

Big fan of the penis, here! And I would totally support this rule, but I haven't a clue why it would be needed in our slashy world (or is this a more general problem that I am, as usual, completely ignorant of). Hell, given the usage of other words in our fics (context, people, it's all about context) I would think penis is the least of anyone's concerns . It's a nice word. Can I handle a few now? :D

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Yes. You may have your penis licence first class and handle unsupervised. (Is it wrong that I now want badges for this?)

And god I love your icon.

[carawen.livejournal.com]

An American here speaking up to say 'I agree.' I don't know how many times I've wanted to smack people for all the euphemisms. Yes, I can understand not wanting to say 'penis' in front of your elderly Italian Catholic grandmother, but in a group of peers, call it what it is.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY!!! Language should be as precise as possible.

Forgive me but I'm about to do another 'idiotic tales from my childhood' here. When I was three, my father was discovered by one of his friends frantically wandering the streets of Kensington crying quietly. "What happened?" she asked, worried. "I lost my daughter!" he declared. "Oh no! You poor man!" she cried. "Little Brammers was lovely! What happened?" "No, no, no, I've lost her. I know I left her with someone trustworthy, I just can't remember who ..." Hippies should not be allowed to care for toddlers ;-)

[no-mad-skillz.livejournal.com]

in a group of peers

I must tell you that in my pre-coffee state, I read that as "in a group of peens".

[house-illrepute.livejournal.com]

i like the term 'f-bomb' tho.

it's fun to say.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

You may use it with knowing irony.

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i have a feeling it's not so much americans, as youth (well, other than the fact that a huge amount of lj is, in fact, americans, as is a rather large majority of the internet. i mean it did start over there).

my favourite ever? the middle of a smex scene and draco gazed lustily at harry's little soldier. i kid you not. :D

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

Pardon the intrusion, but roflmao! Was it wearing a helmet? Could it shoot very far? did it stand to attention on parade?

Personally, if I saw a penis that was khaki or camouflage I'd be more concerned about getting the bearer to a medical facility than gazing lustily at it.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

That is so very wrong ... I agree with meredyth on the wrong places that it naturally goes ...

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

The lack of swearing in LJ posts (as opposed to the swamp of filth in the fic itself) surprised me until, working for a Dublin firm, I opened my friends page when an acquaintance had had a *really* bad day, and triggered about a hundred layers of security alerts. So I try not to say fuck in posts now.

Not that this is any excuse for silly euphemisms.

Can I have a Knowing Irony Licence for "F-bomb" as well please? I've never heard it before.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Yes, you may. Mostly because I know you know what irony actually is.

Good point on the work-safeness issue, but yes, there are other words. Damnable net nannies, they will trigger the end of civilisation one day.

[no-mad-skillz.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha! Ahaha. Ha.

I think I'm too old to have any real familiarity with the phrase "F-bomb".

*hangs head* I'm giggling in a really unseemly way over "a bit of peen". I dunno, I kinda like it--sounds like something you might order in a restaurant. It's better than the "willy" which made me set a new speed record in hitting my back button not long ago.

I am not so much about the infantile expressions, to be sure. I imagine it's hard to walk the fine line between euphemistic and clinical when writing sex scenes, though.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I like "cock". Heh.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

So many of us do ...

(and now we need to be in the same place so we can giggle like five year olds! I want a restaurant where one can order a bit of peen ... that may be my next travelling mission!)

[eanelinea77.livejournal.com]

I could understand if they're very young, but still. If you can't say the word, you can't do the deed, etc. I cuss like the sailor I used to be and in public too. Not around small children though. But, I can sympathize, took me a long while to be able to write out sex scenes without fading to black and such. *hugs*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I think those are absolutely reasonable exceptions!

[Hangs head, I DO tend to fade out, mostly because sex is often too amusing to look at form the outside and there are enough jokes in my fics ...]

[jigglykat.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this made me laugh FAR too hard.

But I have the mouth of a sailor, so it's alright. =^^=

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Come and join us in the land of the penis inspection flip-badges! (It is possible I should have gone to bed 15 minutes ago before my brain completely gave out ...)

[shadowclub.livejournal.com]

Haha, I avoid writing sex scenes because I dislike using the word penis and some of the alternative(phallus, hunk of man meat, love stick, thing etc.) are questionable... :)

I think your land is beautiful, your governments uniformly mad, your religious leaders alternately inspiring and depressing and your jazz miraculous.

So true... but it's an election year for us so hopefully things will change!

[jadzialove.livejournal.com]

hunk of man meat, love stick, thing

Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha!!


Ahem. *wipes eyes and sniggers* Whoo! Sorry. That cracked me up.

Though if any one of those lovely euphemisms showed up in something I was reading, I'm certain I'd be overcome with the same sort of giggle fit and find myself unable to finish. Very sexy!

[jadzialove.livejournal.com]

Ah! How odd. Yesterday, while perusing some art, I saw a warning for "peen" and had no idea what it meant. Then, upon opening said art, there was a fairly well-drawn picture, though no clue as to the identity of the warned for "peen". Then, at the bottom of the artses, was a note proclaiming the artist's self-squicked condition for having drawn the "peen". Upon closer inspection, I discovered that the art was depicting a blow job, but the genitalia was nearly indistinguishable from the background. Only then was I able to add it all up, finally realizing what "peen" referred to.

I thought perhaps I didn't get it because I'd rather be warned if slash art doesn't contain penises er, penai... cocks, so I know I'll be wasting my time. ;)

But please don't blame Americans on the whole--lay it at the feet of the ridiculous children who are doing this, playing at the dirty stuff while terrified of their own sexuality. And really, let's feel sorry for them and hope they get over it.

See, now learning about this is a good thing. We can add the silly word to the list of Do Not Open; it'll fit nicely between "MPreg" and "Scat".

And the interwebs is safe once again!

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

Ha ha! Me too! We were looking at the same art. Yay for cocks!

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

Ha! Peen! I just saw that for the first time yesterday and now you have this funny post. I love it when the universe lines up.

Frankly, cock is the only word I can handle - I'm sure you've noticed. Everything else sounds so grade 6 to me...

And oh, fuck! Fuck is my absolute favourite swear word. I use it ALL the time, as I'm also sure you've noticed. I've actually been trying to cut back in RL. My son is now 15 months old and will soon be acquiring new words at the rate of a small locomotive. So I've been substituting "dork." In my other, less glamourous life, I do some work as a reseracher. I was reading an interview that had been transcribed horribly and one of the sentences (which should have read: "They go with boys who treat them like shit.") read: "The boys all dork them and shit." I nearly pissed myself laughing and promptly adopted dork as my fuck substitutes.

Draco could feel Harry's peen, hard and thick, pressing against his arse. He moaned and ground back against it. "Dork me. Dork me now, you dorking bastard."

My other favourite, because this is the world's longest reply ever, was when I was watching Goodwill Hunting on a channel that blocked out all the swears. There's a scene where they go through McDonald's and one of the characters keeps saying "Give me my fucking sandwich" because Affleck won't give him his burger. And the channel dubbed in "give me my burger sandwich." That's another favourite around the house. Whenever we can't swear we say "give me my burger sandwich." It's even better because no one ever gets it!

Okay, I'm done. Phew!

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

Ha! I just noticed I wrote "Goodwill Hunting" instead of "Good Will Hunting." Because really, it was a moving about finding awesome second hand clothes in a thrift store, right?

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

What a great post to start my Monday morning with!

Peen! Good lord!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but after 24 hours of laughing at it, I'm almost starting to like it. I think the next time I spot a flasher I shall shriek "Exposed PEEN!!!"

[brinian.livejournal.com]

Huh? I think I missed a memo on euphemisms somewhere along the line. You are totally right. You have my permission to proceed with whatever corrective action you deem necessary to punish the offenders (whose material I obviously have NOT read :-)

(Could it be that they are VERY young??? I LIKE my Anglo-Saxon words!)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

One of the offenders is very young, the one I read in a fic is age indeterminate, and some of the F-Bombers live in vowel states, so I suppose I should be kinder (digs out memo on how to achieve that)

[arcanetrivia]

PENIS
PENIS
PENIS


We really are on the same wavelength, lol.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Now I really want to know what the more at B&B is ...

Yes. Penis. Cock if you'd like some hard consonants. I have since discovered that Americans call a ball-pein hammer a ball-peen hammer and I giggled like a five year old for a few minutes over that.

[lackofmendacity.livejournal.com]

*raise eyebrows*

Before meeting my f-list, I used to scowl at the American ways (tire instead of tyre; analyze over analyse; color and colour; airplane rather than aeroplane... you get my drift *g*), though I've never heard of the 'F-bomb' before. *is amused*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

And you would receive a 'cleared for knowingly ironic use' licence ...

Acclimated always stops me in my tracks, and bathroom for toilet; what do they call the room with the bath in it? At least for the spellings there are perfectly good historical reasons (and let us not speak of the OED's ize fetish ...).

[faith1922.livejournal.com]

Jesus, what are they? Fourteen and stealing Mommy's web access? But there is a certain sense of irony in the fact that they can write it in fic but not in real life. F-bomb my squishy butt.

I can top the 'peen' though. In this lovely country (Germany) there are some retards who prefer the term 'lulu' instead. And that is why the world will end soon. *nods* Very soon.

In case you're wondering where I came from, I arrived here by way of delious fic.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Hello! Sorry for the response delay, have been sewing (if only I was joking).

Look, I love Germany, went out with a great German boy for a while, one of the great loves of my life teaches German Philosophy in Berlin, but any nation so keen on nudity that still has people who say 'lulu' needs to be walled off. Do not despair, we will evacuate all the crazy people and then let the rest of you free again, having disposed of the lulu lot on a small South Pacific island.

(how does delicious fic work?)