Flames I have not written ...

[blamebrampton]

There have been a lot of flame-related posts of late, from people receiving their first ones, to a sweet young one on a comm who was cross about one that turned out to be harshly worded concrit (a fine distinction, I grant you).
It made me think about the art of flaming. I don't think it's a good idea on principle, because surely you could receive a more visceral buzz from going out and actually kicking a puppy or stealing a small child's sweets (easier to do than you might think, they have short attention spans). However, I recently made the mistake of mentioning to some friends that I had read the worst story ever. They hastily corrected me and pointed me in the direction of the actual worst stories ever.  I suspect the nadir may have been reached. And I could see why people flamed. Indeed, I had Strong Urges.

So strong, in fact, that I wrote them all down, but here, not in the several theres that inspired them. Rest assured, dear flist and casual readers, none of these were directed at any of you.

* If that is truly how you believe gay men behave, you need to change your reference material from Teletubbies to Queer as Fuck.

* Stop now, remove Word from your computer, and contemplate accountancy. It pays very well.

* That manoeuvre would have resulted in hospitalisation and a very embarrassing recuperation.

* No English person, in the history of the world, has ever said that. There are laws against it.

* No Malfoy would ever shop there.

* The Dursleys are Middle Class, not retarded. There is a clear distinction.

* Boys do quite often shag just because they would like to have sex now, thank you. It is unusual for them to wait for a lengthy monologue on the nature of love to be completed first. Not impossible, I grant you, but unlikely. Most boys I have known would have made a cup of tea, played a quick game of internet spaceships, or had one off the wrist in that fifteen minutes. The nice ones would have made two cups of tea.

* I pride myself on a willing suspension of disbelief, but Isambard Kingdom Brunel could not have bridged these plot gaps.

* Is it just the HP women, or all women who make you this angry?

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

* I admit I have not exhausted the variations, but I am fairly sure that you can't have sex like that. Unless you are an elephant. In which case you missed an animagus scene.

* The Queen is not happy with what you have done to her English.


What about you lot? Anything you've wanted to rant on but have kept inside? Stop bottling, let it out. No names, no URLs, just vent the badness ...

Comments

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Were there muscle relaxants involved?

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! I have been known to draw diagrams for both sex scenes and action scenes and still been left confused.

We must leave them their internet. Otherwise they will leave their homes!

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Ooh, do share the meta rants.

I have usually been good about avoiding badfic, though I did slave all the way through one WIP that started promisingly, went horribly off the rails in the middle, had a brief return of goodness, then ended with the boys turning into girls and everyone joined hands and danced around in a fairy circle. The fuckers.

I could possibly come at beta'd in a poetic context, as per belov'd, but yes. Poor apostrophe. What did it do to deserve such casual abuse?

I am contemplating putting together an emergency package of penii for the unfamiliar. I think a range of colours, sizes, foreskins ...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

CD's. Drives me mad, each and every time.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

We would have to pass it quietly from hand to hand, carefully vetting the recipients so that no one ever knows, otherwise the quite bad would start writing *worse* fics in a bid to be on the list.

[meri-oddities.livejournal.com]

* Have you ever actually seen a penis?

*snort* I have thought that so many times. Very good list. Made me smile this morning. *g*

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

I think Flitwick has perfected the T.A.R.D.I.S charm... he's bigger on the inside than he appears. >.>

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's the mistful effect?

I think you write very thoughtful and considered comments, which elicit engagement with the recipient. It's so much worse to ignore that sort of comment than an "OMG, that was good!"

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Excellent! I desperately needed something to amuse myself at lunch when I realised that I was trapped in the contact of hell for the next four months. Again. At least they pay well ...

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

I have lobe, and lube - contrary to some circles of belief, they are not interchangeable.

I've been put on notice by Kai that I am not allowed to lose weight, because then my bulgy tummy wouldn't bounce so nicely.

*offer Monster a serious back of the neck scritch*

(btw, I'm still working on my bad teen fiction... >.> )

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! The Canberra pong!

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

Big words do not make you sound smart if they are used incorrectly...

YES YES a MILLION TIMES YESSSSS!


(or even if they're just over-used, really. Sometimes simpler is better)

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

It's sickening. I caught a bus to my exam this afternoon and I thought I was going to pass out. I'll be very glad when I can drive myself.

[meri-oddities.livejournal.com]

I have found when they pay well it mitigates a number of other sins. *g*

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

What exactly it the mistful effect? I know there is a popular H/D writer with that name, but I wasn't referring to her in particular.

Exactly. I really try to give something back when I review, even though sometimes (when in a hurry), I write a single-liner, too. I don't expect a full-blown conversation to come from every review - especially when a writer gets lots of comments. That would be unrealistic. Just a little acknowledgment that my effort has been seen, if not appreciated.

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

i hear that too, but i have brought moving pics into my home. i have a fabulous documentary made by a lesbian about an award winning gay porno. it's fabulous. saw it at the gay and lesbian film fest and immediately bought it from amazon. :D

ironically, some of my worst writing i wrote as at 35, but it was really my inner teen spreading her wings. once she practiced a bit, my adult got a chance to write too. [*grins*]

[corpus-delecti.livejournal.com]

See I was thinking of going the other way. We could email them banners that say "congrats, your fic sucks."

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

The holidays at the end of each gig make the pain go away ...

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Um, depilatory spells, diligently applied! Decree no. 32 makes it compulsory.

I don't believe there are greek wizards in canon, are there? This cultural skew also perhaps explains why Harry appears to be the only male in Britain who has never eaten a kebab. Or a curry, now that I think about it. Poor lad, he'll always be an outcast.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I would not be able to stop cycling if I lived in Canberra; I love your cycle paths so. Which is why they would find my frozen corpse by the side of the road one winter night.

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Screaming is loud, screaming is extreme... it's not a normal consequence of the average orgasm ...

Yes, oh yes! Would it not be somewhat disconcerting if your partner broke out screaming - if not for you, then at least for the neighbours? Your brain would be asking Is it me? Did I accidentally case the Cruciatus with my cock??

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

She receives too many comments to reply, and so answers a small number per post. Some people who are not mistful think they can get away with the same behaviour. I say wait till you hit 400 comments per post.

[emerald-dragon8.livejournal.com]

I never use them, really. I don't ride a bike, which is probably a waste when I live in a city with so many bike paths, but oh well.

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

explicit sex is not required in all stories

WHEN WAS THAT LAW CHANGED AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID NO-ONE CONSULT ME?!?!??!??!?!





:-)

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh surely not, I always imagined that Petunia prided herself on her curried swede.

Bloody Decree 32! And I will have to keep a close eye out for any names that may be Greek, in my desperate bid for some multiculturalism in canon.